X missed access as was on holiday - doubting myself...

[cuddlymanatee]

X and I do alternate weekends and he has DS Wednesday eve too.

X went on holiday for 12 days. Only contacted DS once but that's by the by. He just said he was going, no discussion or anything (it was massively disruptive as it happens but again, by the by). X back yesterday and had DS as usual.

Going by usual access pattern this coming weekend is 'mine' - have plans. X says because he's not seen DS for 2 weeks (and missed 'his' weekend), this weekend should be his. I can't swap as I'm at a wedding on the following weekend (which x knows).

He says I am being unfair to DS to have him this weekend - but I'm not, am I? He chose to go away and not ask to shift around the access? Why should I give up two weekends in a row?

Have suggested we split this weekend but now thinking I should've stuck to my guns.

DS wants to do what I have planned but I can squish it all into one day so he can see X too.

Dunno... X's attitude really rankles, he said he would make what he 'expects' clearer next time - makes me want to say I've changed my mind but then that would be unfair... Sigh.

I think he should have discussed it with you prior to going away for sure. And I think you are being generous and fair to offer one day this weekend as a compromise.

I don't know how it is generally for you, but in my case myself and my XP do end up swapping weekends on a fairly regular basis due to work and family stuff. It does involve some feelings of 'unfairness' at times but it generally evens out.

Sometimes it's not fair. He should have spoken about his expectations before hand. But you should perhaps ignore what he 'expects' and have a discussion about what to do should the situation re-occur.

It depends if you want to make a point about it. If you were to withdraw your offer it would no doubt increase any animosity.

Thanks for your reply! I thought I was being accommodating to offer to split this weekend, so I was narked when he responded negatively.

We often swap or otherwise jiggle but he knows I can't this time. A few things lately have made me feel I'm being taken advantage of a bit but X is so quick to tell me I'm being unfair to DS I'm loath to make an issue. But otoh I think I deserve more respect and not to be dictated to.

But I don't want to overreact - I'm annoyed at the way the whole holiday was announced/managed and need to separate that out but it's hard

he sould ask long before he goes away to plan th next weekends s an swap or whatver

so yes smile and agre with him that next time he goes away is in everyone's best interest to agree in advance what the make up times will be

We juggle around weekends quite a bit - to fit work and social comitments. I always ask ex first if OK to swap. He sometimes does too, but sometimes just informs me that he can't have them as planned.

But swapping for another weekend should always be a request, not a right. I would split your weekend as you're doing on this ocassion but make it clear it's a favour and another time he should ask you first.

It's also good if you can push your ex towards seeing the times when he is down to have DS as a responsibilitiy - ie he has to have him unless he's asked you to swap (and you've said yes) - it's taken me a long while to work on this with my ex. Even though he's generally easy going, he just acts like the DCs are entirely my responsibility and he is doing me a favour for having them when he does. He says "oh I might go away for two weeks at Easter". I say: "you mean 'would it be OK purple to swap one of my weekends at Easter for the one before?' ".... takes a lot of pushing, but does seem to be paying off to some extent.

But swapping for another weekend should always be a request, not a right.

I love that purpleroses