shared residence order.

[lashes4]

hi all just wanted to know your views on shared residence orders....3nights with mum 4 with dad....do you think this can work or do you think it is too much for the kids, kids are aged 4, 5 and 7 would like to hear your views...thanks

A shared residency order, does not necessarily mean that the time has to be split equally. It can be any split. If that helps.

it depends on alot of things.

how much contact the children are having with both parents already?

how much overnight contact already?

distance parents live from each other?

will it mean changeing schools?

new childcare/cmers?

lots of stuff can affect how children 'cope' with splitting their time.

hi thank you for your replies....

the court order is in place now but i personally find it is not working for us as a family, kids have to travel 2 buses to school at the end of the week, they sleep at mums 3 nights but tell me they dont like to its too long, they said they want to see mam but not sleep they have also told sw..

i am trying to vary the court order but was just wanting to see what others think of this...

i think if the children are saying they aren't happy then you have to listen to them. would they be happier staying at mum's every weekend and during school holidays? would mum be happy to do this?

hi

the kids are saying this too me, they have said they have told mum, mum goes out every weekend when she has them, there are concenrs when there in her care, she has left them with a 14 year old overnight, she didnt return to them until next day, then they stay with her sister 1 night and mother the next so even thought its her quality time she chooses to go out drinking, i personally feel if she wants to do this at weekends then it should be alternate weekends as i dont have quality time with them as when they are with me they are in school.....

are you self representing in court? if not, your solicitor will put all this information forward as the reason for wanting to vary the order. you need to have in mind what you want to vary the order to. you mentioned alternate weekends, is this what you are requesting the order be changed to?

hi thank you again for your reply

i would like to change it to alternate weekends...i do have a solicitor and i am requesting this as an option but it has not been discussed as social services told me this is what they were putting forward but have now decided not to put a recommendation and have left if for the judge to decide i am at court friday so feel there is no time to do this now....just dont know what to do..the section 7 only went into the courts today so i guess i wont even see it until at court...so not even sure what is in it....

in that case the only thing you can do is wait til friday. i have no experience of shared residency so can't say how it might go. i wish you good luck for friday and hope the children get the outcome they need. try not to stress out as it wont help you think clearly and you need to be emotionally available for your children. take care.

hi thank you for your reply, i just have to wait until friday..:( just hope someone does listen to my concerns and dont just dismiss them the kids are opening up and are quite shy so hopefully once the judge has read all my concerns some i can prove some i cant...so fingers crossed for the sake of my little ones and there childhood...they grow up so fast....and they only have 1 childhood and want it to be a good one....

I thnk you should propose that it would be in kids best interest to have more stable week with you and to have every other weekend with mum plus one week night after school tea visit.

From what you said on other thread she might prefer that anyway and then is up to her to show she can put kids first on those contact times.

You could tell judge that you would be happy to review this after six months.
Keep showing you want to promote contact but that it needs to be safe, that the kids need to be well looked after as so young and that you happy to review later and work with ss .

Um lashes4. i think maybe you are all over the place with what you want/need with your DCs at present?? I think I read your Mum's post re the children and the appalling circumstances that they were living in when visiting your Ex... and your thread about SS/CAFCASS in AIBU??

You are a Dad with parental responsibility and the normal resident parent i would suggest that 1) you write down in one place all your concerns and experiences with contact between your ex and DCs 2) if your concerns remain as serious as they appear you can STOP contact pending the court, or you can organise alternative contact in contact centre without overnights, you just need to document why you are doing it and what you wish to gain by it. 3) IMO you need some good legal advice (maybe you have some already??) to make sure that your part of the argument is heard if your decisions are challenged in court.

Maybe have a look here in section 5 to see that your responsibility as a parent can be to protect your children ABOVE facilitating access to the other parent.; I hope that you are not treated differently to women in this respect...and you will find that there are a few other chaps on MN especially in the lone parents section.

perhaps you are still overwhelmed by the task of looking after your DCs protecting them and also recovering from the loss of your relationship too....this too will pass, and I hope you are able look forward with hope to the future.

By the way...in your case, shared residency seems at odds with your posts about your ex's neglect and abuse (not feeding her children and ignoring serious dietary intolerance is abuse, so is putting them to bed on dirty mattresses, surrounded by dirty nappies and tampons etc.) of the children.

Be clear in your mind what is acceptable and what is not.
If you are not coping yourself then find help please, for your DCs sake.

and for your own sake

hi foolonthehill

i appreciate your replies and only wish i had made note of telephone conversations etc...with ss

how can i stop contact without kids opening up...

the dirty mattresses etc have all been addressed so hopefully wont happen again....

sorry to ask but what do you mean when you ask if im coping myself i am coping well but must admit do get anxious and worried when the kids come back after contact and tell me they are not happy et....thank you again for your advise....

Not at all suggesting that you are not coping...just sometimes it is hard isn't it?

From the different threads i found it hard to work out exactly what you want from the courts. Supervised contact/overnight stays/shared residency....etc. I am far from sorted myself but I know that it is very hard to cope with "the system" if one is unsure about what one actually wants/feels best...for you, for the DCs and for ex....

of course in the thick of things it is often impossible to think about documentation...but there is nothing to stop you putting your concerns down retrospectively to give them some order and to help you think thru' the issues you are all facing.

I do feel for you. But remember that the DCs safety and health are the first concern here and if you have any worries you are right to bring them up. Your DCs have expressed their feelings and although they are young this should be put into the mix too. The truth is that you can just stop contact if you know them to be at risk, until a judge orders the contact it is voluntary. Your lawyer can document the reasons for stopping contact and can refer to a contact centre. However if you are due in court on Friday it may be a bit late to gather all your resources for this.

I hope that the best outcome for your DCs is reached.

I found this helpful to discuss with lawyer the issues around the RIGHTS of the child to have contact versus the RESPONSIBILITIES of the parent to care for and protect the child. It may be way too simple now you have been jumping thru' the hoops for so long but I'll link it in case it is helpful

Just wanted to say that you are a brilliant dad, there are plenty opf fathers out there who want and have nothing to do with their kids, you are taking on the full repsonsibility and trying to do the best for your kids, so well done, you probably dont hear it as often as you should but you are a fantastic father and if you ever need advice, we wont turn you away despite it being mumsnet, it should be parents net!

Hope all goes well on friday fro you, and for teh sake of the kids.