Now I have just seriously had enough

[useyourloaf]

I cannot take this shit any more. ExP is a controlling, verbally, emotionally and financially abusive pig. It's taken me a while to see him for what he is but although I'm better at recognising it I'm still having trouble dealing with it.

I've posted a few times, but brief history is that when we were together and especially after DS (2.11) was born, he pleased himself, and made no contibution financially or in any other way to help build a family life. I had enough and showed him the door.

Now he is, as far as I can see it, cocklodging. NP has teenage DC's of her own, is wealthy professional, DC's privately educated, mahoosive house. ExP has no pot to piss in and didn't give me any maintenance for DS until I began harranging him about 4 months ago.

I've got no family and no friends around and I mean that - I am completely alone, apart from DS of course - that's why I post here. ExP and now NP are using my isolation to bully and harrass and also to lord it over me. I absolutely do my best as a mum and am totally dedicated to my DS. I have little life of my own at the moment.

ExP has refused to sign nursery consent as he will not allow me to go back to work for 3 days a week. They are holding me to account regarding my sleeping arrangements with DS and telling me I am messing him up by cosleeping now and again, want to know where my bed is because DS (2.11) says we share same room. I've been called insane, told I need help, told to beware of consequences of my actions, fucking joke, most selfish mother ever seen blah, blah, blah. Am being told how to parent my son when I parent him 5/7 days and nights, and not in a constructive way but in an abusive, judgemental way.

ExP asks DS questions about me which is so unfair on DS and really damaging IMO.

Being asked by ExP if I'm aware that DS has better facilities there and that he socialises with upper class people and lives in best area. ExP intends to push for 50:50 residence I think which would be nightmare as we're not near enough. ExP parenting DS with NP basically - togther less than a year.

Had letter ExP solicitor because I have withheld certain information about DS - not true. Have own appt with solicitor next week and have about 20 text/voice message that won't help ExP, but I just want to move away, keep DS in contact with his dad 2 nights a week like now, but be further away, new phone number, new address so I don't feel harrassed and hassled.

Sorry to rant and I know that there are far worse scenarios than mine for many, but my DS is my world and every contact I have with ExP is destructive because he intends to belittle me and I wont let DS to see this happen or let in happen to me anymore.

You are being bullied, and the best way to deal with bullies is not to react. Bullies are never very happy people underneath. The most important thing for your son is love and care, not "facilities" or socialising with rich people. There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping if your little boy needs a cuddle.
Write down your concerns about 50/50 access e.g the new relationship, the refusal to consent to nursery, the texts and messages, the lie about withholding info, and let your solicitor deal with it.
Take a deep breath and don't let them chip away at your self confidence.
I would also try to build up a network of friends (toddlers?), so you don't feel alone and you get some support - even if it's just talking about things.

Thanks MagicHouse. I've managed to stop myself being abusive back. At the moment they are demanding response to their request to adopt contolled crying technique as they spent all night doing last week, in order to undo the mess I have made of DS sleep pattern by allowing him to sleep with me. I said originally that I appreciated the difficulty of 2 routines for DS and that I'd think on it and now I'm being held to account by them. FFS.

Self-confidence shrinks as soon as I hear his voice on voicemail or see name on text. Trying to build up friends but it takes a while.

I don't believe in controlled crying. I've always thought it was a very personal choice though, and each to their own. However it is something I would not do myself, because it teaches the child that it's not worth crying because no-one will come, and I won't do that to my own children. I've had friends over the years swear by it though, and insist it works.

I think it is wrong of them to demand you do it when it is something you don't believe in. I can imagine they are making you feel like a bad mother, and in your worst moments wondering if that's true. That's rubbish though! I co-sleep - it's not ideal I know. Every now and then I tackle it (not by letting them cry - but by going in and comforting) and it works for a bit - then illness or something sets it back. And then I just do whatever it takes to get some sleep! I know it won't be forever!

Don't let them bully you over this issue. Tell them you have thought about what they have said, but that you believe very strongly in comforting your child when he needs it and that the way you deal with sleep works well for both of you and allows him a good night's sleep. Say that you understand that they will be dealing with sleep issues differently, which leaves you with some concerns, but that you will not insist they follow your routines and that you hope they will give you the same respect in return.

I can just imagine them moaning about what you do disrupting his sleep/ not being good for him. There's not a lot you can do about that. But hang onto the fact that we all parent in different ways and that half the country probably deal with sleep issues like you do and there's nothing wrong with it.

Sounds like you're a lovely mum! Hang on in there x

Thanks for taking the time to respond MagicHouse.

That's it exactly isn't it - I don't and haven't always had DS in with me, but there's times he's been poorly and wanted a cuddle, can be a bit noisy in upstairs flat and it disturbs him etc etc.

Their objections are a bit more than moaning though. I got a text.

"If you carrying on sleeping with him you are messing him up. If you mess him up you are the msot selfish mother I have ever seen. One day you will pay the consequences. I will know if he sleeps with you. If he does I will make it as hard as I can."

Nice eh?

keep the text. show your solicitor. ask what can be done about his abusive behaviour. ring womens aid tyo find out what you can do.

I am very impressed you don't respond back and wish I had more of your self control.

I did controlled crying for DS when he was younger. Only took 3 days and worked really well. Never had a peep out of him from 7-7 and always a bit shocked by people who co-slept. Ex fucked off with another woman and DS sleep became sleep disturbed and he would be distressed at night and I bought him into my bed. Now most nights at some point he comes into me. Now I am someone who was dead set against co-sleeping but you know what it doesn't matter. He is not going to be scarred for life for sleeping in with me the same as your son isn't. They don't want him co-sleeping because it interferes with them don't let them bully you. Ignore ignore ignore. I know for a fact that I am going to get a whole world of shit coming my way when ex finally has him overnight next weekend because DS will want to sleep with him but you know what I don't care as I am the one looking after him the majority of the time and I want my DS to feel secure and if sleeping in my bed makes him feel that right now then that is what I am going to do.

Keep the texts as they are nasty and seek legal advice if you can so he backs off. my ex was threatening all sorts and a strongly worded letter stopped it.

OMG! That's really horrible. No wonder you feel hassled. I think texts like that probably count as harassment. I'd almost be thinking about contacting the police for advice - there's a real threatening tone there. Maybe you should talk to them about it and see what they say?
It doesn't sound like there's any point in even discussing the controlled crying thing with someone like that.
You definitely need legal advice.
Not a nice person at all.
I think I would just respond as coolly as you can. Difficult though. I know when my ex started getting picky about me I suggested mediation and he went all quiet (because he was just trying to bully me really and wouldn't have wanted a third party involved at all) Maybe respond like that. I'd probably be quite direct - but he sounds a bit unbalanced. How would he respond to something like "It's clear we need mediation in order to sort out disagreements we have in our parenting styles. I will seek advice from my solicitor about this and get back to you."

He's bullying you, pure and simple.

You do what you think is best for your son - you are doing the lions share of the work in raising him - you should not be dictated to by a man that didn't want involvement in raising his child until he hooked up with his new partner.

I wish you could gain the confidence to tell him to fuck off or just let his criticisms wash over you. Can you could spend time with other mothers at toddler groups? It might give you confidence that you're doing fine as a mother and there are many different ways to raise a child.

Thanks for your replies. I've got several similar texts that I will show to my solicitor.

I was just like you happylander and never really got why some people co-slept.

As I carry on going to toddler groups I will get chatting evetually I hope.

Just want to move away so he doesn't know where I live and cant contact me.

You shouldn't need his consent for nursery. If it asks for father's signature etc, just state that you are not together and you are the main carer. If you are sending your DS to nursery during your time with him, that is up to you.

Speak with your HV about the sleep situation, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and your ex imposing such a conflicting routine stands to cause more harm and confusion.

My ex was with a partner who had a much older DD and grandson around the same age as DS so she was always giving advice to ex based on her own situation and experiences which was totally inappropriate. My ex did harp on for a while about not wanting DS to grow up around here or go to school around here. I made it clear I wasn't about to move. I did give ex some information about an open day at a fee paying school and encouraged him to go along with DS, he came back and said it was a bit expensive actually!

I was very disappointed that my ex split from his partner, she was a first class bitch and they deserved each other.

It sounds absolutely horrible. Is this the guy who comes and peers in through your window? It's none of their fucking business how you parent and as the Resident Parent you get to make the decisions and they should be held to account if they undermine you.

You need to do something to make this clear. Write (or ask your sol to write) a polite letter saying that you consider their messages harassment and they are to cease or you will be taking legal action. Say their actions in undermining your parenting (re the sleep routine) cause you to have grave concerns about the suitability of overnight contact and you need reassurance that they will not leave a 3 year old to cry or you'll be stopping it.

I hardly ever say stuff like this, BTW, I strongly believe in the importance of contact with Dads, but this guy is an arsehole who needs a massive wake-up call.

yes balia one and the same who checked out the sleeping arrangments to check I didn't have a bed in same room as DS by looking through my windows. DS said I had a bed in his room (maybe words were put in his mouth) so ExP told me I was a liar, that he'd looked in my living room and there was no bed (its a sofa bed!) and asked if someone could come round and verify!!!!

Seeing solicitor early this week and letter is my intention. I just want to try to get my life back on track and be strong for DS and free from any hassle from ExP who does indeed need a huge reality check.

My my he IS a first class dickweed isn't he? He doesn't pay maintainence for donkeys, uses woman for money and he thinks he can question YOUR moral fibre? How the heck have you not taken a shovel to his tiny grey matter area? He seems to think he knows a lot about co parenting, however his examples show that actually he knows diddly squat about his rights and what is and isn't legal.

I hope you get some resolution soon. I've read some of your other posts and feel nothing but sympathy and admiration for your patience

Thanks for your support BorderDancer- it makes a difference! He is everything you say and more. Unfortunately he's not aware of his ignorance so he just carries on f*ing `up lives.

Keep us updated and let us know what the solicitor says.