Any advice on access arrangements?

[PinkPeanuts]

Hi All,

I'm due to give birth in around two weeks time and wondered if you could give me some advice on arranging access, as my child's father and I are no longer together. We tend not to get on and although things are amicable between us at this moment in time, I cannot guarantee that it is going to stay that way for long hence why I need something in place.

He is an extremely irrational person who has anger management issues and will not like being told what to do. Still, before having to go the legal route, I think I should try to work out an arrangement. Do any of you ladies have experience of doing this?

I can't imagine what sort of state I may be in after giving birth, being sleep deprived and trying to establish a routine as a first time mum so initially I'm thinking 1 hour twice a week while she's still a newborn with a view to stepping it up if that works out. It would be set times in the evening (that way I won't be on my own with him, I don't trust his temper) on specific days. I am already dreading approaching this because he is the sort of person who will think he should be allowed to see her as and when he feels but the reality is that we just don't have that sort of relationship, he has given zero support through this pregnancy and I just know that if I don't take control of this situation, it will be chaos.

Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

If you are planning on following this www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/en/children/contact.htm link's advice on contact, Don't, there is no reason that the baby can't spend much more time with dad.

www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/en/children/contact.htm is a site established by a solicitor.
Family law solicitors peddle information that is in their own interest, i.e. minimum contact. This ensures that the case returns to court as often as possible for more contact and maximum profit for them.
It is NOT in your child's interest to follow it.
Relish the chance to let dad take as much responsibilty and enjoy the time you get from it.
If you want to be fighting with him for the next 15+ years and hurting your child all allong then go for minimum.

Woah there Agooddad.....less of the attack & more compassion please.

Your situation and that of the OP are totally different.

The baby is yet to be born, there is no relationship between the parents and there has been little or no contact from the "father" since VERY early on in the pregnancy.

Now Pink could have understandably moved on months ago, even moved to a totally different area and denied the "father" ANY access if she had chosen to by making it difficult for him to find her.

She has chosen to stay, involve the "father" but understandably wants to ensure she has time to physically get over the birth & establish good routines before introducing a stroppy ex into the scenario.

I say "father" because any eejit can impregnate a woman but it takes a commitment to become a Dad and Pink is understandably cautious in how this is best achieved.

Hopefully he will step up to the mark.

So if she needs to rest and recover, what better than to let dad look after his child.
As for establishing good routines, I keep forgetting that these always exclude dads when they are ex partners.
As for being an "eejit" I doubt he was one when she fell for him, only now that she wants him out the way.
As for attacking, It is you lot who are attacking a childs relationship with his dad. She has the power to make this into a very positive thing for the child in the long run by giving the dad a good sense of responsibility by involving him as much as posible from the start.
Sadly at the encouragement of the "mums" on sites like this, often more damage than good is done in these situations.
I do realise how tough it is being a new mum, I have 4 children and have seen first hand what it's like for mums. My partner reslished every chance to rest while I looked after the baby.
It's only when it's an ex and mothers on these site start encouraging that dad is kept away that things get messy as dad naturally wants to be involved and care for the baby.
Sadly mums on these sites seem to think that babys belong to mums and are a posession that should be jealously kept from dad as much as possible.
You should be asshamed of yourselves.

gooddad And you should read the actual thread above you before you reply, rather than just ranting against what you're assuming people might have said, or think you recall them saying somewhere else

goodad You HAVE a relationship with your partner, the OP hasn't now & hadn't from very early on in the pregnancy ^and the "father" buggered off & has only just re-appeared!!

So it isn't the same at all.

Now I could be misquoting her so Pink correct me if I'm wrong but it seems she IS prepared to allow the "father" into their babies life but NOT at the cost of her peace of mind and that of the baby.

He is argumentative, has anger management issues and is unreliable, hardly the type of person (father or not) youy want around you just after giving birth.

NOW - as purpleroses suggests go back & read the thread in its entirety and come back if and when you can contribute something positive.

The thing is, men who are aggressive, angry and unreliable have a simple remedy available to them if they want to build good relationships with their DC.

It's to stop being an arsehole.

Pink, remember that you can withdraw this man's privileges if his behaviour is unacceptable. It's just a matter of keeping records and documenting stuff. If he is aggressive in front of witnesses, for instance, that would help you if there were court proceedings later. Make his access to the baby dependant on his good behaviour eg turning up at the agreed times, being civil to you, no tantrumming.