How do you cope with "well meaning advice" from your ex..?

[mrsbigwobblybottom]

My ex isn't all bad, he always sticks to the rota (1 week night and every other weekend) and pays his CM on the nose every month without fail. He also makes DD laugh and she's clearly very fond of him - they love each other a lot.

His fiance is kind to my DD and I get on with her on an acquaintence level.

Recently, and progressivly worse since he's moved in with his fiance about a year ago, he has been feeling the need to give me "helpful" advice about DD such as kindly reminding me this morning that last night he noticed I hadn't had her complete her homework which is due in tomorrow.. He said he is working hard to in-still good work values in her and he wants her to complete it the night she gets it (I say, bully for you, in my opinion she is 5 years old and as long as it's completed on time i'll let her do it when she's ready!) or that I she didn't have her school water bottle and could I remember it tomorrow as it's important for her to drink water it's clearly quite the miracle that she hasn't been admitted in to hospital at some stage over the last SEVEN days that she's been in my care!

He has also recently commented that she said I had been telling her off a lot and he thought as she didn't misbehave for him maybe I could try talking in a firmer tone with her

There are lots of examples and it is all delivered in a patronising but I think fairly innocent way. I usually just ignore, ignore, ignore, thinking that it is maddness that he feels the need to tell me these things as I have her most of the time (for example every other week he doesnt see her from Weds - Weds) I work more than full time in a very stressful job juggling (and paying for of course) childcare, arranging parents evenings, fancy dress days, actively taking part in PTA, packed lunches, paying for school dinners, paying for school trips, reading with her every night and writing in the reading book, presents for friends parties, play dates, keeping her room tidy, laundry, replenishing her wardrobe every five minutes because clothes go back to his and never return etc etc etc - I don't need to spell out to you lot what it is like being a single mum!!

But recently (I think because I am feeling exhausted by work and I am planning to leave soon and be at home with DD more as I have started to feel I am missing out on her) I just don't seem to be able to bat his comments away - they're really knocking my confidence and I am having paranoid thoughts about him and his fiance thinking I'm such a rubbish mum who needs guidence on these basic things. I don't want to cause arguements with him as we have worked so hard over the last five years to keep things amicable. As DD grows up I want her dad and I to be shoulder to shoulder in parenting her and being a united front so that she can't play us off against each other. I feel that is best for her happiness and her behaviour too.

DD has been saying she wants to see her dad more. I'm not hugely happy with it as I feel that I don't see her enough as it is, but as his Dad he has every bit as much right to me to see her so I asked him if he would consider having her an extra week night when he hadn't had her the previous weekend - I've been asking him for months and finally after all the excuses have ran out, he has agreed to trial it next month. Since then he has got even worse with the "advice".

Part of me wants to tell him that if he thinks he'd do such a great job then he can have her there all the time and see how he copes - but obviously I don't want that to back fire!!!!

Shake some sense in to me LPs!

i think like wiht any interfering relative - you smile sweetly and say "oh yes thanks for the advice" and then ignore it

I tell him to Fuck Off

But then, this is a man that tried to give me advice on breastfeeding!

I think it is very easy to be the perfect parent when you only have to do it in small doses. You are right that if he had to cope with everything you are coping with he'd be having some problems pretty sharpish! Hard as it is, I think you just have to turn the other cheek.

Thanks for the virtual reality check - I know I do need to ignore, and I will.

It's just hard sometimes isn't it. I'm doing my best, on my own.

It's not easy and sometimes something like making a 5 year old do their homework the second they get it seems very small in the grand scheme of everything else that I do that is a fuck load more important.. such as choosing the school she goes to following 5 visits round the schools in the local area at the expense of my own annual leave, filling in the application forms and waiting nervously for the placement news, reading with her every night after a 9 hour work day and writing something meaningful in her reading book, making sure she has a packed lunch or her school dinner money is up to date, having a fresh fruit snack in every day for her to take, taking time to get to know the parents and teachers and keeping track of her progress, paying for lunch time clubs and school trips, signing permission slips so she's not left out of anything, buying her uniform, washing her uniform, ironing her uniform, keeping her PE kit in check, going to PTA meetings, taking time off for school plays, baking cakes to sell, having her friends round for tea so she doesn't miss out on that for having working parents... but yes, dear, the homework is really very important and I shall add it to my list of things to keep me awake at night and to argue with DD about... dickhead.

corlan the breastfeeding is soooo something my ex would do.

I know we will place different values on things as the other parent, but I don't see why he can't just keep his to himself and parent his way in his house and let me do the same in mine!

I let it go when he lets her watch (IMO) inapproprite TV, stay up until 9pm on a school night if he wants to be out, but go to bed at 6.30 on a school night if he wants a free evening, eat sweets practically non-stop, not brush her teeth if she's too tired.. Maybe I should start critacising him and hope he takes the hint?

NO [slaps own wrist] do not stoop

Cor I read this and totally remember the feelings. My XH was like that in the beginning when they were 5&7 but now they are 10&12 and I just wanted to say things change with time.

The best advise I can give you is keep your cool and ignore it but I never managed it and tended more towards the kiss my arse answer . Good luck and say strong in your ability, as was said before its easy to give advice when you're doing 1/100th of the work.

While writing this tho I do think the reason things changed was because I didn't just take the comments lightly and did say 'Excuse me?!' which I hadn't done when we were married.

I wouldn't just ignore him, if I were you. It's likely to lead to him getting frustrated at you, and making things difficult in what looks like overall an amicable relationship. It is of course fine to say, "yes, will do" or "noted" and then ignore his advice if it's something that's none of his business.

But best think I think would be to talk to him to get in place more clearly where the boundaries are of sharing care of your DD and allowing each other to get on with their own life. Point out the things that you don't really agree with but accept as his right to do his way (eg 9pm bedtime)

Thing is, as you describe, your life is busy and full - all that trying to do everything sounds terribly familiar to me. But you're lucky enough to have an ex who seems keen to be involved in DD's life. You're absolutely right that saying "you have her f/t then" could well backfire, so don't say it. But are there some things you could let him have responsibility over? Eg could she do her homework on her night with him each week? Can he have a friend round for her sometimes? Can he take time off work for school plays, etc?

It's difficult I know - I often feel really torn between wanting to hand my ex (who's somewhat less willing than yours, but reasonably co-operative) more responsibility and wanting still to be the full time mum and be the one who goes to everything. But if you're also holding down a full time job, it is OK to say - we're both workers and we're both parents, and we can share things out a bit more equally. Good if you can find some of the things you do for DD that you wouldn't mind doing a bit less of, and that he could feasibly pick up a bit of. If you give him a bit more responsibility you might feel less like you're getting the raw deal, and maybe - also by giving him clearer rules about what you don't want him to be getting involved in - he might feel like he knows more clearly which elements of DD's life are his responsibility and which are yours, and back off a bit.

Thanks do much for taking the trouble to write all of that. The thing is, I've never stopped him getting involved in anything. I tell him about all the assemblies etc. she always takes her homework to his after school on his Friday, I've told him a hundred times that I have her friends parents numbers if he ever wants to have them round... Thing is, he's quite happy to let me do everything, but over the past few months he's wanted to criticise me over all of it. It's so frustrating! I might talk to him about the advice when I see him and ask nicely if he has any serious concerns about Dd when she's with me. Assuming the answer will be no - ill then ask him to back off a little... Does that sound okay?

Good grief no do not ask Him if he has serious concerns !

Have more confidence in yourself you know his concerns are petty and not serious !
Don't doubt yourself.

You could just agree to disagree on certain things

You could ask about parenting part courses locally which you could both attend to bring up these issues .

But look at what you do for your dd and stop doubting yourself is she doing well at school happy confident ? If yes then you are doing just fine and don't let him make you thnk otherwise .
And if he won't arrange playmates etc just leave it . Is up to him. When she with him.

I think agreeing to disagree on some issues is the way forward. And you do need to ask/tell him to back off a bit. Tell him only to raise things if they are serious - without implying that any of his current concerns really are - maybe give some examples of the sorts of things that are things you both need to get involved in (eg choice of school, DD is really unhappy about something, etc) and things that are the decision of whoever has care at the time (eg bedtimes, disciplining, etc). If you try and keep the discussion general or based around things that may happen in the future, it may be less confrontational than if it seems to be a dig at past behaviour.

Also - better than telling him 100 times that you have her friends' numbers - just email him the few most likely/local friends and then leave it to him. That way if he wants to arrange things he can, and if not then you've done all you can do.

Thanks guys, when i say I've told him a hundered times - it's because he tells me she's bored when she's there and he doesn't know what to do with her sometimes - my standard response is "If you like I can give you some friends numbers" What I'll do is email them to him and start to just nod and smile when he tells me she's bored when she's there.
I'm convinced that it's because he has recently got engaged and he's trying to assert himself as this grown up family man. I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon enough - particularly if he doesn't get a rise out of me.

he doenst know what to do with her ????

just t give him some links to activities days out in local area

she is five he can talk to her. so long as she has acess to toys books games etc at his place and he takes her out to parks etc then a bit of being bored wont hurt her...

is between him and her.

i see now why he projecting his own inadequacies - he feels he is not coping so he trying to find small snidey ways to dig at you - when actually he is jealous because you dont complain about dd or say "help what do i do wih her! "

Possibly... Actually that would make a lot of sense!

I agree he's probably jealous of what you're achieving with her!
I think just patronise him right back!! As to the water bottle thing, just sweetly say "yes sure, but don't worry they do have access to water in school you know, if they forget their bottle" (which is true) and for the homework, say "oh she reads every night with me, don't worry she's a really hard worker". :-D
That way - you're not disagreeing with him, but subtly pointing out the things she does do with you (like the reading) and the things he obviously doesn't know but ought to (like they have water fountains at school) and that he has no need whatsoever to make digs at you about stuff like this.
xxxx

Am I the only one who read the words '5 year old' and 'homework' and went ? I loathe the fact my 8 year old gets it, but at 5?!!!

To answer your original question I just say 'yes dear' and if he carries on pick on things he does that I don't like. Which he concedes as he hasn't a leg to stand on! I think he has differing standards to me. I don't have palpatations if she doesn't have exact matching socks on. If they're both white, it doesn't matter if one has a bow and one a trim on if she's wearing them under trousers right? He goes nuts. So we have a lot of issues with how one or the other deals with her upbringing!

I was thinking more about your ex's homework comment. I teach 5 year olds and we do give homework (school policy), but it tends to be fairly lowkey. I think you can say that at 5 she'll get much more out of it if she does it at a time when she's in the mood, and that making her do it as soon as she gets it, especially if she's tired after a day at school might actually put her off homework completely. You are absolutely right, at 5, to get her to do it when she's ready!
And completely ignore the "she doesn't misbehave for me" comment. Just smile and nod at that one!
I get the my ds "sleeps all night every night" comments (he wakes frequently here). But he catches himself out sometimes telling the kids' childminder completely different stories of bad nights, so I've learnt to ignore it, or just agree that "yes he does sleep well now doesn't he"!
I think competitive ex's are very common, and the only thing to do is not enter into the game in any way - they're usually just trying to get a rise out of you in order to make themselves feel good about their own parenting. And the only reason they need to do that is because they know underneath, their own parenting is not always fantastic.
Sounds like his self esteem issues, not yours. Don't get involved!
xx

I have been on the receiving end of this. Just very politely tell him to stop.

With my ex I told him that i wanted to maintain a positive relationship with him for our children, but if he continued to be disrespectful to me or critisize me in my own home he would not be allowed to visit. It did the trick

Thanks, it's nice to be told I'm doing an okay job after all

That's interesting what you say about the homework circle my instincts told me at this stage it's important that she knows she has to do work she is given but also that she enjoys it and isn't put off so young. The difference is that I wouldn't feel compelled to tell him that should also be his philosophy

mrsbigwobbly I really, really feel for you - I found it very difficult to bring up 2 teenage boys in a foreign country on my own, while holding down a full time job and dealing with the hurt from the marriage collapse. The last thing I wanted was advice from the person who had caused most of the problems! I'm afraid that I tended to fly off the handle with him which I'm sure didn't help at all. I'm sure that thanking him for his advice (and then carrying on as I was) would have been a better ploy.

If only I'd found mumsnet then!