upset child when going for contact..

[lashes4]

hi all im new so really am looking for advise on this..

i am a grandma and my son is the main carer for 3 children...ok please dont judge im not an interferring grandma just 1 that really cares for the grandkids..i support my family and my son as much as i would my DD if she was single.

to cut a long story short ss have been involved mum was evicited from her home due to apalling living conditions...dont know what happened but when my son and his ex seperated they had a nice home, they had been seperated for 4 month, when we noticed a huge change in the kids, they were distressed going back into mums care and when my son asked mum about this she said the kids were missing him, at the time my son had was living at ours he worked full time had the kids weekends and mid week i would pick them up from school and they would stay with us...then kids started changing, they wouldnt put shoes on cried and cried and then we found out why, mum was having all night parties, number of men drinking in house, kids were locked in there bedroom and door handle was removed from the inside, her neighbour told us she could hear them crying to be let out and she contacted ss when they went in with environmental health mum was evicted and children could not return to the home...kids had no carpets on bedroom floor, no bedding were sleeping on a mattress...soiled nappies on the bed and flour and yogurt pots with mould in, there was dog poo on the sitting room floor, dirty tampax..and there were 40+ photos taking...

section 7 done recommendations kids stay with dad and go for contact weekends mum picks them up from school today....well the last few weeks the oldest has been crying she doesnt want to go to mums and last weekend she came from mums crying on the bus all the way home and said she had not had a good time and was not going back...ss have been to school to see her and she confirmed this is what she is saying, well today mum collects them and the lo is 7 saying she is not going and if mum comes for her she is not going with her...she has been crying in her sleep, and every day saying she doesnt want to go, there is obviously something bothering her, but she has said she hasnt got to tell anyone what it is....how would you deal with this would you go to the school to see if she was ok at hometime or could it make it worse if you are there...tried ringing ss again today (they did tell him to do so if lo was still saying she did not want to go) but not sure what can be done as there is a court order....please help....

hi all was hoping to have some advise or replies...

what would you do if you know your child is in school upset at the thought of going for contact for 3 nights when you know they dont want to go and was crying this morning, do you think the lo could feel let down by the parent "making" them go when the child has clearly said they dont want too...please help

Where does the mum live now ? Given what you've described about her past home and behaviour, I personally would be reluctant to allow any overnights if it were my dd.

There do seem to be various posts about children being reluctant to visit the non-resident parent. It's very sad.

You need to find out what it is that is bothering her so much. If there are issues of neglect or abuse, drugs or alcohol abuse, or she's living in squalor again, or indeed any issues which place the child in danger you should seriously think about stopping contact in anything other than a safe controlled environment.

I think you need to speak with SS again,perhaps they could arrange for the social worker to make a visit to the mother's home whilst the children are staying there. I would also go and have a chat with the children's teachers to see if they think the children seem particularly distressed or anxious before contact, they may also be able to tell you how the children interact with their mother when she collects them? I am surprised that the children are allowed to visit her unsupervised, never mind stay overnight.

given the severity of the previous neglect and abuse I would keep them away and re refer to ss.

I you arranged a contact centre/offered supervised contact what would their mother do?

your GD sounds genuinely distressed and I would want to go and see a solicitor about altering the contact if the mother won't agree to supervised.

Perhaps it would be an idea to post this in Legal and see what options are available.

I think it is a huge breech of trust to make a child go when s/he genuinely is distressed by it. And I really really feel for you trying to help her through it.

i woudl keep them away too and ask SS to investigate. you can ask for variation on the order based on what SS find out.

yes there is court order but child's clear distress and the background means your DS has "reasonable excuse" to stop contact for now until more fact finding is done by SS .

childrens act says you must ahve "reasonable excuse" to not comply with a contact orer - this is very reasonable based on what you describe -

stop o/night contact and pick ups.
ofer mother supervised conact in public place or at another relative
inform SS of the decision and ask them to review again
go back to court for a variation if needed

so long as you documenting everything eg keep journal to log the dc distress and what was said etc and you informing SS and keeping them informed then i would stop contact except daytime supervised for now

I agree with all that has been said,she is clearly upset and doesnt want to go,my step daughter,was the same when she came to ours for weekend stays with her dad ,she didnt want to go back and use to cry hysterically,her younger sister wasnt too bad.
The older one was 6, she would come to ours dirty,and wet the bed all the time,it was only now with hindsight,we wished we did more,it seems her mum s new boyfriend,one of many had 4 children,and only when sd was 16.she admitted that one of his sons had been sexually abusing her,but she couldnt bring herself to tell anyone..my husband was totally destroyed and couldnt believe it,when she was 15 she ran away and came to live with us..

she is now in her 20s,but still mentally scarred,maybe im going down the wrong track,but id rather be totally sure nothing is going on,before she ends up like my poor sd.I would ask ss to stop overnight contact,and for the mum to be supervised,at least no one else wold be there..