shite day and bloody fed up.

[Happylander]

When does it get better? I have spent most of the day trying really hard not to cry and failed. Ex is taking me to court over contact even though I have said I won't pay for any more football sessions. I am unsure why he is still doing it. He wanted every other weekend from Saturday morning until Sunday evening. I have backed down on the football but won't the swimming as it is for only 30 mins on the morning he picks him up so he can either pick him up after it or take him and it is not forever and only until DS has learnt to swim.

All this had all been previously agreed and he is the one that has failed to turn up as he has had functions to attend with OW. Other things that was discussed before he decided to go back on everything was that Christmas day every other year unless I am working so it has to have some degree of flexibility. I will always have DS on his birthday as it was extremely traumatic for me and I nearly died and I am still suffering from it. So I want to wake up with my DS but he is welcome to come and spend time with him. He will see DS during his annual leave even if it happens to be on one of my weekends unless he doesn't want to and I will have DS on my annual leave if it is on one of his if I have plans to do anything. I have no idea whether this is not acceptable. I am getting very worried that he will start banging on about full custody again and that he is not just putting in contact order. He did try and get full custody of his DD but gave up.

I just feel it is going to be fixed with no degree of flexibility by some judge but Ex will still be able to decide when he does not see DS. i.e. if he has some night out he won't bother with him. However, I have to meet all his demands and none of what I want will get taken into account.

Sorry it is just a rant really. I thought we had everything sorted over a month ago but he has been a prick ever since. I am so fed up and down about it all as this is not want I wanted for me or my DS.

Do you have good records of him not turning up eg his emails cancelling?

It will be ok you can point out to the judge his in reliability.
There is no reason for him t have full residence unless there is something very wrong abuse neglect on your part etc that you have not told us !

It seems he is asking for every other weekend and half holidays which will be seen as reasonable.
You will then need to keep god records of him not turning up and later you could as for variation of in fact he only turns uponce per month.

Ps are you seeing a counsellor yourself to talk about this and also maybe time to go over the birth trauma and move forward ?

Your plan sounds pretty sensible really. Would have thought a judge would rule something pretty close to what you suggest. But a ruling in court by definition can't really be flexible - that's only going to come from you and your ex being flexible with each other. And the bottom line is that no court can force your ex to take up the contact time he's given (though it can eventually take it away from him if he repeatedly fails to turn up). All you can do is try and bargain "swaps" if you need them, or ask for have him extra or forgo contact for some reason.

Claiming he'll go for full custody sounds a barmy idea, and something said in anger or designed just to scare you. No chance of him getting that unless either you're incompetant (which it doesn't sound like you are!) or he was previously the main carer for DS, which isn't the case either I presume? If he's been through this all before for his DD, then he should know that I would have thought.

He doesn't want it flexible he wants it set in stone by a judge. However, I know he won't turn up some weekends if there is an Army function and I'll just be expected to give him DS during what would have been my weekends even if it is short notice as he won't have seen DS during his. Not sure if that makes sense!

The thing I am most concerned with is is if the Judge orders that I do some of the travelling to maintain contact between DS and ex as I have read that some people are made to do this. I can't afford to do this at all. I have after all bills, even with a lodger, have £200 to pay for food, petrol, household stuff for the month. My petrol for the month is £80 already. What can I do if this is ordered? His next posting is just over 3 hours drive from me so a lot in petrol.

There is no abuse, neglect or anything like that by me towards DS but he has continually threatened me with full custody and has even stated a judge would easily give him custody as I can't afford to look after DS properly.

The court order will give your ex rights to have DS on whatever is agreed, but won't force him to use those rights. However, you won't be required to swap weekends if he can't make one. He can just lose out on contact if you have plans or don't want to swap.

I find the best thing to do if ex doesn't want DCs on weekend as agreed is to try to suggest a swap that actually suits me - eg so he has them some time when I'd like to go out or something.

Judges don't award custody to dads just because they have higher incomes - otherwise how do you think so many single mums would live on benefits and still have their kids? And you're working aren't you? So he's talking rubbish. He'd only have a case if you were really not looking after your DS properly (eg not feeding him, etc). If you're hard up and he's got more money then the answer to that is that he can pay more towards costs of DS isn't it! How would he possibly look after him in the week if he's in the army, living in barraks and gets posted around the place? Sounds a nonesense. Don't let it worry you.

Same with the petrol - people I know have mostly been told that the NRP does the travelling and pays for it, not always, but usually. So would think esp if he's the one that's moved away that that's what they'd award. Just put up the best case you can of pointing out limited income, busy job, etc and see what they say.

Thank you. Finding this all very hard especially while it is still so raw and it has only been 4 months since he left. I thought we had it all agreed and was happy with everything. He has failed to pay for DS bed this month like he promised so I am left to try and find the money to pay for it. He seems to promise lots and then not follow through.

I'm 8 years down the line from the split - it does get easier, promise.

He's already introduced his daughter to the OW last month or in November. I just think it is too soon to start playing happy families as a couple with DS. Yet again though what I think and feel is completely irrelevant and what I consider fair on DS again so not confuse and distress him is not taken into account at all yet I have to consider all of Ex requests. So so fed up.