Unsure

[lizrank]

My Husband of 6 years finally walked out the door in Dec 2011 (after Christmas thankfully) it was kind of expected we had a fiery relationship to say the least however in January 2012 the Police turned up at my door to tell me he was also married to someone else well as you can imagine I was stunned by this news and had to reach for a strong Whiskey to quell the inner matter exploding we have 2 very beautiful girls together and he has always been a very loving doting Father to them both by late January I knew more about his lies etc and wondered if I actually ever knew this person to cut a long story short he started contacting me wanting to see his Daughters etc and I agreed he came to the House but instead of taking his Daughters out for the Day decided his energy would be much better used by venting his anger on me so much so he assaulted me and then took my Girls for roughly 19 Hours as you can imagine as a Mother I was worried to the core to what might happen to my two girls but also a nagging thought in the back of my mind kept telling me he loves those kids and he would not do anything to hurt them the Police where called etc etc he finally brought the Girls back to the House.
I was persuaded to seek advice from a Solicitor which I did and I now have a prohibitive steps order and a non molestation order in place and a court case possibly in another 6 Weeks or so
My dilemma is this I don't want my Husband to be punished in a bad way and by that I mean his access to his girls I have heard several stories of these so called Contact centres and there restrictions etc I actually want my Husband to be part of my Girls lives and them to be part of his just because we don't get on any more does it mean i have to ponder for a moment and upset my Daughters life to
I want him to understand that he will and cannot assault me again and yes he will have his Day in court for that and hopefully be suitably punished for his actions

The Solicitor I have appointed seems to want me to be very brutal when we go to the Family Court I am not of that ilk really

So my problem is do I proceed with the Family Court hearing where my Husband as far as my Solicitor is concerned will get minimum contact with our Girls at a Contact Centre or would it be a good idea for my husband and I to maybe go to a mediator who could possibly do what is best for everyone concerned

Help and advice would be kindly greeted

ps This is my first thread so please all be gentle on me

you are being naive
he assaulted you
you have a duty to your daughters to make sure any contact he has with them is safe. and that any contact you ahve with him eg handovers of daughters is safe.

he has to prove himself now with supervised contact

i used a contact centre for my Dc it was very pleasant very nice toys etc. go visit your local centre and talk to them.

www.naccc.org.uk

i am sure you thought he loved you adn would not hurt you - but he did.

take it slow and carefully and safely make him prove he is safe to be around the girls and this means supervised contact for at least six months and someone else assessing him.

you assessed him to be a nice guy and he wasnt.
your view of him is skewed.
protect your daughters - make him prove himself

This man is a consummate liar, an aggressive bully and a physical threat to you.

He walked out on you...what has he got to be angry at you for?????

Be very careful OP you do not know this man at all, you do not know his other life, you do not know that he will not hurt your girls...he took them away from you for 19 hours.

Contact centres are not usually bad places...our local is in a lovely school with great spaces, toys and a large outside area. Nobody wants anything to happen to your girls and i think the freight train that has hit your life has left you in denial about things. be careful Op and take your solicitors advice.

it is easy to start with belt and braces to be safe. if he proves himself you can always progress to more freedom with the girls. But i would do a lot of research into the rest of his life if |I could before that happened

You don't know this individual at all. You only know the face you have seen. He raises every red flag there is to be potentially very dangerous, on several levels.

You have a responsibility to keep your children safe - as a mother that is your primary function. He's snatched them once, he tells criminal lies, he's violent. He becomes angry when caught out. I'm no shrink but socipathic/personality disorder type traits are what needs investigating by the professionals with regards to this man.

If the authorities feel that you are not prepared to take protecting your children seriously from a violent man they may decide that the children should grow up in care? If that happens they lose BOTH parents.

An adult is responsible for their own actions. Wake up, smell the coffee and concentrate on being the best mother to those children you can - all this is gonna take a while for them to understand. While you are realising that what you thought was a perfect family unit wasn't, he can be proving to the authorities via regular supervised contact that he is fit and safe to be left alone with them. That's his problem as he created it and totally his call. This is a potentially very dangerous individual you were married to.

Your solicitor is advising you correctly. I'm usually a massive propenent of children having access to both sets of parents/extended family. However only an idiot would not realise that this is one of those very rare occasions where it's not clear if it is safe for the girls to be left with their Dad.

This must have been awful for you, and I strongly suggest that you contact Woman's aid and organise some councelling for yourself. We just aren't designed to cope the level of betrayal from our trusted husbands you've had to cope with. Family therapy should be considered seriously to help your children too.

family therapy for your and your daughters - not not not with this man.

I understand you want the children to have their dad in their lives but.....

Holy Hannah he is a massive liar and who knows what level of violence he is capable of! He has not only lied to you but to anyone else he has met who thinks you are his wife when in fact he is a bigamist!

You may think he wouldnt hurt the children but if it were me there is no way Id chance it, do you think he is a suitable role model for children?

He isnt angry at you he is angry at being caught out and because you by the sounds of it are a placid and laid back sort of person you got the flack for HIS mess ups. These were calculating decisions he made not off the cuff mistakes!!

IMO Supervised visits is all he should have so he does not start lying to the children! Kids minds are easily warped by people they love and want to be right, FGS please get a grip of reality here hunnie, he isnt a good person he is a cold calculating liar!

I really hope you can work things out so he can be part of their lives and he get some help so can be a good dad. Dont take any blame, none of this is your fault, it might seem harsh but in all honesty I cant see social services will think him fit for regular contact with out some intervention

Hope you soon feel strong x

Thank you for the so many wonderful replies but I must admit I did some research on our local Contact centre Today it has bars on the windows cctv screening your every move my Girls I have been informed would be restricted to possibly 2 Hours every fortnight or 4 Hours once a month I would actually find that quite hard for them and even harder to send them to a place that actually sounds no better than a Prison
I have decided for now mediation is possibly a better option I have looked very hard at the Family Courts and how they work some people a lot more decent than my Husband I must add have had to wait up to 7 Years before there deemed as suitable Parent/s I am not hand on heart prepared to allow my Girls to go through the trials and tribulations of the Court system

Yes my ex lied to me was violent to me once only I may add that for me is a separate issue and will be dealt with by an appropriate court in due course I have to think of my Girls here and the wonderful relationship they do have with there Father even I in truth would be unhappy at the short time they would all get to see each other if it where to go the Contact centre one thing he has been over all these years is a very good Father

I know some of you will think I am been crazy etc by allowing even the mediation but believe me I have looked at all angles

Dont make excuses for his behaviour. You need to be certain your daughters are safe first and foremost - it's your duty. Take solicitors advice.

Read Dr Robert Hare.

A man like this will play both you and the mediator. You are enabling him.

I can only hope the authorities step in to protect those poor children quickly.

You need to get some perspective. You have got NO idea what this man might do if you let him take your daughters for unobserved custody. You know literally nothing about this man, everything he told you was a lie. You cannot trust him. You'd be a fool not to let the authorities make the decision for you, and protect your children. Their SAFETY is far more important than any residual love you have for this man, or even than any love they have for him. He is a violent, liar. Do not put your children in so so so dangerous a situation.

I know you want us to be gentle, but wrt to mediation: NO NO NO

Why?

Because he can't. He can't tell the truth, he can't be trusted to stay calm, he can't be trusted with your DD's, he can't be trusted with anything.

What do we definitely know about him thus far?

He lies and is violent.

You have to use a contact centre for the sake of your DD's. The fact that it reminds you of prison is not your fault, it is not your DD's fault. It is his fault.

You are not punishing anyone. He created this situation, by lying to all of you, and by his violence. Your job is to protect your DD's.

Mediation is NOT for you. Mediation is only possible where domestic abuse has not been present in the relationship.

Domestic abuse victims ALWAYS try to justify their abusers in one way or another. So you can defend him as much as you want but really, do you want your girls to grow up thinking that the aggressivity they witness on their father is what a man "normally" do? I much rather let them have contact in a contact centre with bars in the windows, where their dad will behave better than having them seeing more abuse and stress coming your way.

How old are your dds?
Please explain In what ways he is such a g.ood father ?
I don't get it

please please please prosecute him for this assault. My ex husband assaulted me on the night I left him and on legal advice from a family law solicitor, I refused to prosecute him. This left me in an extremely vulnerable position when I wanted the courts to take into account his abuse and violence towards me. In short, because I didn't follow through the prosecution, I was and still am seen as a lying time-waster who is making accusations with no evidence.

I have always wanted him to be in my daughter's life and thought that by keeping things on a low-key level, I would be helping that and helping him.

He has taken me to court on three separate applications in the last five years, it has cost me nearly £50, 000 in legal fees and I have been to court no less than 28 times despite never, ever preventing or obstructing contact.

Not once, not ever after the initial hearing was his abuse and violence towards me taken into account because I would not take action against him in the criminal court. Precious little will stop the court making sure he sees his kids but for all your protection, get this assault on the record. You really will not regret it.

My ex saw dd in a contact centre for six months because the court took into consideration my anxiety about him. it was really lovely, just like a playgroup. The people that ran it were sweet and pleasant on the outside but rock-hard and taking no grief at the core of them. But the court won't let him see them in contact centre forever and he is very likely to get unsupervised access that leads to overnight contact. You need his behaviour on the record in a way the court will not be able to dispute ie prosecution, even if this doesn't result in a conviction. I was given this advice when it was too late and we continue to pay the price.

Please Op. i know you don't want to think so much of your life has been a lie but it was. Your daughters MIGHT be safe with him...but they Might NOT, would you leave them with a complete stranger who had just been arrested for assaulting his wife...No?? I didn't think so.

This man is a complete stranger, there is a whole other life that he has had that you had no idea about, and only found out about because HE LEFT YOU!!!!

It is not easy to rebuild a life when you are wondering what was real and what was a lie from your history...but you will. You won't be able to build much of a life if he hurts, harms or abducts the 2 most precious people in your life. What would it be like??? Imagine, for their sakes.