Just Separated: How many hours does your ex spend with their children per week?

[sjgray82]

I split from my ex at the beginning of January, we have an 11 year old daughter together and all he does is mess about when he sees her, now he is saying that he will have her alternative fridays/thursdays, she gets picked up from school at 3.30pm and goes to bed at 8.30 on a thursday (thats 5 hours), and the following week on a friday picks her up at 3.30pm but goes to work at 8pm so his mother has her (4 1/2 hours) thats on average 5 hours per week he sees her and the joke is he only works friday and saturday nights and he lives across the road from me, i am having no time alone, is this me being selfish by asking him to have her every thursday and every other friday, he has told me the only reason i want him to have her every thursday is so that i can go out and get drunk - UH hello i work on a friday why would i go out drinking on a thursday, can someone please advise me what to do, can't he see that he is only hurting our daughter and not me :( x

i'm in a similar position,ex will never have kids over night,i don't get a chance to go out,have a lie-in etc.. so have decided to be pro-active,stop hoping he will step up to the mark and am looking for a babysitter,no point wasting time hoping they will start doing their fair share.

i've got someone coming tomorrow to meet my kids and hopefully i will be able to go out sometimes,we all need a break don't we?

maybe you could do the same? we shouldn't have to but sometimes you just have to look at alternative ways to improve your situation..good luck,

At 11 I guess you can start leaving her alone for a couple of hours in the evenings?
Doesn't she go out with her friends? Sleepovers?
Won't be longbefore she'll want to decide where and when she sees him

I think you need for "me time" should be completely separate to your daughter's need to spend time with her father.

Yes, it is important to get time for yourself - but if you can't rely on your ex for that then you have to arrange it yourself - have you family nearby that she could have a sleepover with, or your ex-MIL, or could you arrange reciprocal sleepovers with her friends?

Then there is your daughter's time with her father - what does your she want?
She is getting close to an age where she will, to a large extent, be making her own arrangements with him - especially when he lives so close and she can just call in.
Can she talk to him about when she sees him, if she wants to increase it
Could they spend time together on a Sunday, or could she call round for tea a couple of nights a week?

He works two nights a week, lives across the road and has her one night a week ?!

What a f^ckwit !

I mean I guess there are possibly other factors such as is his home currently suitable for your dd to stay, how he behaves with her etc, but you are in no way shape or form being 'selfish' for thinking about asking him to have your dd more. !

I would say 50:50 is considered the starting point, and you both negotiate from there.

If you only split in Jan it's worth noting it's early days, and no doubt emotions are raised.

I think it's good that granny has dd a bit, but to answer your question you aren't being selfish.

I live 1:30 hours from my dd so I have alternate w/e , see her in the week and use all my 37 days paid leave + some with her. I know guys who do 50:50, but alternate w/e + a weekday visit is generally seen as 'standard' .

Does he pay Child Maintanance ?

XP used to see DS 10 hours a week when we first split up - 5 hours each day of the weekend. Never had him overnight, but TBH, DS was young and I don't think he'd have coped anyway. He dropped contact later on so never progressed to overnights.

My stupid arse of an ex-husband XH saw our 5yr old in Dec, and won't see him again until April. He works 4 weeks out of every 10 (yes, in one go) and can't be bothered. There is always some pathetic excuse. Maybe his mum is sick, or he's decorating or it's winter and it's too cold.
The sad thing is, my DS has even stopped talking about him and asking to see him.

Think that sounds rough on both you and your DD. Best way to apprach it that I have found with my ex is to ask him first how much time he wants with her and then agree together what tbe best pattern is balancing your needs for time off with his and also DD's views. I've found it helps to separate the two as my ex always says i principle he is happy with two nights a week so then the onus is on him to suggest which these should be. If he continues being crap then try to find other ways for some time off so that it doesn't bother you so much. She will soon be old enough to start leaving for small periods on her own