ladies/gents im going to need you

[CharliesMummyMeg]

Ok. I'm 19, i have a 9mo, on wednesday my partner Rick, and myself had a small argument over me asking him to go downstairs and sleep on the sofa because i could not stand the smell of his feet in my face anymore, our son was in our bed aswell so we all sleep funny ways around him so me or rick doesnt sit/lie on him anyway, ended up with him loosing his temper, in the end after being pushed over, hit with tops, shouted at, he picked me up twice by my throat and slammed me on the sofa, then he picked me up and literally dropped me on my head, i was knocked out. When i came around i was all over the place and he walked out the front door, i dont know why reallly but i followed him outside but couldnt manage a few steps without falling. Cut a long story short, my son woke up i went up to see to him, came down rick was just standing there looking at me, he looked sad, he knew what he had done and i just kept saying get out get out get out please just get out, anyway he left, i plugged all the house phones in again (he had unplugged them) rang my mum, me mum and ds went to hospital, hospital got the police involved, i made a statment, including other times rick has been arrgressive or violent - few times and they arrested him at his mums house where he had gone back to. I know i should be glad he has gone and happy but i still for some reason want him back but i do know i need to keep him away from my son, anyway i sent him a facebook message because no other way of contacting him telling him i loved him i wanted to get through this get help, dont want him to throw it all away want him to come and talk to me and get through it etc and left it, that was friday night. Not had any contact from Rick at all. Just at home with my mum tonight so i wasnt on my own, ricks mum turns up at mine for his clothes, i go upset when she says he wont come home to talk to me etc etc

I am in a mess.
Because i have been battered by rick, social services are now involved, everyone is saying ohh will he come back ohhh will he try and get in when the blody truth is - no he wont even talk to me - he wont come to my house- HE DOESNT EVEN CARE WHAT HE HAS DONE HE HAS TURNED IT AROUND ON ME arrggh

It hurts because he doesnt want to come home, it hurts because ive not even had an apology. It hurts because he can just go and not try and get in contact. It hurts because he will be with someone else and he will be lovley like he was with me at the start and i want that .

Sorry for being a crazy fruit loop. There is so much I havent said, In my head i know i need to proctect charlie for his behaviour im not stupid but i do want him home and i love him. He is 25...doesnt sound it does it...

Oh you poor thing! Please be careful using real names here.

It's not been a healthy relationship has it? He could really have damaged you or worse, killed you. You can't have him in your life, you just cant

The thing i carnt get over is - i will be heartbroken if he gets with someone else, because i love him. I want him to get it sorted and get help togetherbut he hasnt even contacted his excuse because he doesnt want to get into a argument the police be involved and he get send down blahh blah blah

Meg - it sounds like you've got your head screwed on right. You know you have to protect your boy. You're in pain because the guy you love has turned out to be an abusive bastard - it's going to be a really painful time for you coming to terms with that.

You could try and get back together again to wipe out the pain and it would all be allright until the next time he hit you, because it would happen again - you know it.

You are going to have to deal with this painful time and build a life for yourself and your son where you don't get treated like a punch bag. You can do it.

I really feel for you because when I was 19, I was in a relationship where I got got knocked about and it took me 10 wasted years to finally see sense and leave. I bitterly regret those wasted years - don't make the same mistake.

Meg, I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and I appreciate that you have strong feelings for him...but the reality is that living with violence is unacceptable- irrespective of how you think it started and who you think is really to blame for it beginning. And trust me, YOU are NOT the one responsible for his behaivour. What he did to you sounds dispicable.

Now that the police are involved, and social services, they will remain involved until they are certain that you will not resume your relationship with him and that you are protecting your DS, however from what I read, it looks to me that you could do with some support- such counselling from a DV support group/Women's Aid- to help you deal with you feelings and fully separate from your ex-bfriend. Your relationship with him was wodnerful at the beginning because that is how relationships with DV pretty much start- he'll never change and you won't be able to get those 'good times' back- because they were never going to be permanent in the first place. Even if you agreed to take him back, he will be violent towards you again, and again and again. If he begins a new relationship with someone else, he will only do to them what he has has done to you; you have to let go of those thoughts an think that you can have a wonderful relationship with someone new who will respect you and treat you well- not someone who loses their rag and throws you about.

I don't want to sound overly harsh, beacuse I know how difficult it is but you have to stop expecting an apology from him and you MUST start putting yourself and your DS first. Finally- you don't want your son to grow up seeing you being knocked about.

I'm sending you a virtual hug!!

I know how hard it is when you love someone that much, but PLEASE believe me when I tell you that:-

1. He won't change
2. He won't seek help
3. He thinks it's okay to do this to you
4. The 'good times' were his insurance policy to keep you in the relationship
5. If you take him back, he will see it as 'permission' to keep abusing you.

Many of us have been where you are. I know you are heartbroken and in shock, but you can't go back. Not for your son's sake and not for your sake. Please call Women's Aid (so sorry, can't access phone no at mo but repost it for you) and talk to someone who can properly support you. If you can, gather all your family and friends around you, and get as much support as possible. Sending you big hug. You don't have to go through this alone.

If you love your son, and I'm sure you do, then you wouldn't want him to become like his father, would you? You wouldn't want him to become a target for his father's anger either, would you?

Now for the really harsh bit.

The reason SS are involved is because of Dick's history of violence. They want to know that you will protect your son from his violence. They don't give too much of a shit about what you want to do with your life, but if you take Dick back, then they will have to think about taking your son away from you.

I'm not joking - they now know that there's been a history of violence from him to you, and that he very nearly killed you during the latest incident. So they're not sure if you will protect your son.

So. Do you want more of the same shit life with this barely human creature who has no respect for himself or for you or for his own son who may be taken from you if you stay with that piece of shit? A life that will get worse, and may end with you being killed by him? (No, I'm not being over-dramatic. The statistics are there, and look at the latest incident - what would you say to a friend whose boyfriend did that to her?)

Or do you want to make a better life for you and your son while you're both young enough to do so?

You're out, so get help, and stay out.

www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247

Hope it's all been ok over the weekend? Really hope all works out ok for you. I completely agree with pinkcarbluecar - what would you think in 20 years time if you found out your son had been behaving like this towards his girlfriend?

Do give womens aid a ring, they're lovely, although it can take a long time to get through, so come back on here - there's usually a few people knocking about who are lovely & supportive. xxxxxxx

He nearly killed you.
He doesn't love you.
You need some counselling to separate what you feel for him against what he did and what he will do again if you let him back.
You have to protect your child here, you cannot let him back with you and child.

You have recognised he doesn't care and that is the truth. He doesn't give a damn.

But you do care about your ds don't you ? So use SS and police to help you keep this man away from you.
You are young and that is advantage to move forward and have a better healthy relationship with someone else in future

Take him back and social services WILL take your son. It's a straight choice the man or the baby. This is so serious that you cannot have both.

I understand how hurt you are feeling, and that the shock and emotional turmoil will continue for a long time to come.

What I've said is very harsh and I don't want to hurt you further. You come across as a very caring mother and I'd be gutted for you if you were denied the opportunity to be a Mum, because of a crime committed by someone else (your boyfriend attacking you was a Serious criminal offence).

Your options are very limited and stark, you are in shock, that shock means many women don't realise how black and white they are until their child is taken from them. Then it's too late.

Do take any help that's offered from victim support and talk to women's aid. Treat yourself well, and give yourself time to grieve for the loss of a relationship with someone you loved deeply. You have done nothing wrong and your ex is soley responsible for his own actions and the whole subsequent situation.

Do you love your son more or do you love Dick more? I think there's your answer. The others are right, if you take Dick back, you are more than likely to lose your sob as SS will see Dick as too much of a threat in the household. Given what he's done to you, they will want to protect your son.

And do listen to the others and seek help from Women's Aid!!

Just wanted to come back and see if you are okay? Thanks PinkCar for posting the WA details.

I was in your situation at exactly your age and I found it incredibly hard to believe it was real and that this was the person that my ex really was. I just couldn't bring myself to accept it.

One thing that helped, was to write down all the times he'd physically hurt me or been abusive and stick it up on the fridge/bedside table/mirror - basically anywhere where I would see it on a regular basis. Seeing it written down in a list somehow kept it real and helped me to separate what he had done from my feelings for him (which were all over the place).

I read it over and over every day and eventually it sank in just how horrible he had been and how awful what he did actually was. Sometimes it helps to see it in black and white.

Hope you're okay and coping

Welcome to reality.

Having kids does not always change the nature of men. Sure some men will turn 180 degrees as they get more sense than pride but not always.

Your partner probably felt the stresses of being a father and changing his nature too much to bear. Add to this your own attempt to change his habits and he was going to lash out at the stronger of the two people. That he didn't hurt the kid proves he feels strongly towards you.

Obviously things have moved too fast for you to control but I don't think the matter is in your hands any more. Your best to leave him be and find a more "husbandy" partner who will not mistreat you and will help you get over this. Your partner will now have to face the law and it's minions. If he doesn't get a few months in the clink you can bet the judge will be giving him some orders not to see or have contact with you under any circumstances.

So you need to get some help for your Stockholm syndrome if your not able to let go of your good feelings for him within a few months. Wife beaters come in all ages and in India there are 21 year olds in arranged marriages who mistreat their wives. So be thankful you can get out of it easier than some poor women.

Really do feel for you sweetie. But the others are right, your son will in all likelihood be put on some protection register (at best) if you take this prick back. (sorry, but I LOATHE this kind of person) You run the risk of losing your baby boy and that can't be allowed to happen as you sound like a lovely person and a caring mummy. There is help out there, it's just knowing where to get it. SS and the police can totally point you in the right direction for your area. I hope you stay strong and let us know how you're getting on xxx