Feeling sad for DD

[Meikyo]

DD(9) was breaking her heart crying last night...wishing her Dad could get better and be more of a father to her. She normally stays overnight with him every Wednesday and every second Saturday.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and has not worked for several years. He is on meds and seems permanently tired and a bit spaced out. DD told me last night she wants him to be more active, take her out to park etc and just do things together. She says that most of the time she is with him she just watches TV whilst he lies on the sofa....and that she wished he was like her uncle and her friends' dads.

TBH, his situation (and refusal to get help in the past) was what made me want to end the marriage. Ex was on the phone to me at work today to remind me to put her gym kit in her bag and I mentioned that I felt we need to talk about how upset DD was last night. He picked her up from school today but asked me to call in on way home from work to bring her home with me as he is now too "unwell" to have her.

I really want them to keep seeing each other but worry about his lack of parenting....he has been the same healthwise for years....

Hi, didn't want to read and run. Not really got any great advice.

It doesn't sound to me like you will be able to expect anything more from your Ex if this is his way of life. Does he have any family you could contact to help him?

You could suggest to your daughter that she could talk to him about how she feels or write him a letter? But also explain to her that he may not be able to change the way he is, as frustrating as I'm sure it is for you both. You never know, hearing it from her might be what it takes to turn himself around.

Lots of reassurance from you along the way is all she really needs.

He can't be anything else unless he gets help and even if he does he may relapse like my ex. If the meds aren't helping he could try dif f ones?
But ultimately some people are going to be like this their life and their kids life.

There is help eg young carers can offer support around having a parent with mh issues.
Look up young carers in your area or ask gp if there is equivalent or call carers uk local branch .
Keep listening to what she says and say yes it is sad and hard .

If he is unable to take her out erc then point out that watching tv with dad is ok.

But something like young carers can help her see there are other kids with dads like hers .

But also if she ends up being his carer you might need to rethink contact maybe shorter times when he can make an effort ?

How independent is she ? Does she have to get her own breakfast etc when she stays ? Are you ok with that?
Maybe shorter quality time would be better ? Is there any risk if he gets v anxious?

(my ex is totally Unable to care for dc when in full blown anxiety and it is a risk ....it depends you know him best...does she know eg how to call 999 and or your number ?

Young carers in my area offer one to one counselling and a support group meeting fortnightly we haven't accessed it as their is limited contact at the moment and it seems by listening to my men year old expressing her views ie same as yours she doesn't have a normal dad she seems to have come to terms..l I did have consultation with child psych who advised listening and acknowledging as well as suggesting young carers

Arghnipad. Nine year old dd

my dd is just 10 and sees her father once a week (pushed by me) He is with the girl he left me for when dd was a baby and has 2 new dd's.He can hardly be bothered with her and never does anything apart from take her to his house.He dose nothing else not even an extra visit in school hols.
Dd like yours is often distressed and sad about it and wishes for more.
She is an anxious little thing and a deep thinker.

What i have done.

Encourage more contact by getting her a phone,doing him pictures and getting gifts for birthdays etc. I try to get him to come along to important events as well.
I let her vent to me as much as she wants to and dont pass judgement,just listen.
I have improved her self confidence with lots of praise and out of school activities.
Me and dh give her a solid home life with lots of love and fun but also firm boundaries.

We cant change things for them just support them through it.

Poor DD. There's not a lot you can do about your ex's health though really is there? Or are you on good enough terms to give him a push towards getting some help?

Best just to keep the communication as open as you can - both with him directly and with DD so that you're aware if he's not up to looking after her properly and can step in. Bit crap for you, but hopefully minimise the disruption on DD. Can you make sure you have some fun time with her? And challenge her on any gender stereotypes she may have around dads having to do active stuff with their kids.

"can i catch it like a cold" is a good book to read together and talk about (canadian mental health available on amazon )
www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Catch-Like-Cold-Depression/dp/088776956X

see also www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/mentalhealthandgrowingup/parentalmentalillness.aspx

video here
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/youngpeople/caringforaparent.aspx

ps i told my dd 9 about this thread she said
"yes is similar but did her dad pull her hair for no reason?"
(exp went for her when in throes of anxiety hence very little contact now only supervised )

if you in london pm me and we can compare notes ...

I really feel for your DD and for you seeing her so upset.

I had a parent who couldn't be there for me due to mental health issues, so I can relate from a personal point of view and also because I have an ex who isn't as reliable as I would like for our DS.

I taught my DS to ride a bike, took him on Beaver Camp (the only Mum there!) and did climbing, trecking etc etc with him when he was younger. He has learnt that his Mum is the one who is prepared to roll up her sleeves and put his needs (and sometimes wants) first for him. He didn't really have any male role models in my family apart from some elderly (or disabled!) ones so I was pleased when he had a male teacher and he went through Beavers, cubs and some of scouts too with male role models.

You can't change your ex or wave a magic wand, but you can be positive with your daughter. You can find her positive male role models, can you find her some clubs run by men? You can also point out that not all other fathers are great fathers and give her some examples if necessary, so she doesn't feel as if she is the only one without a decent Dad.

Thanks to all for your advice. I will certainly investigate Young Carers - I'm near Glasgow and see there is a local set up from the YC website. In terms of me giving ex H a push in the direction of help, well I tried for years before we split. Apparently these days he does have counselling etc but seems to be looking for a "magic bullet" drug just to fix himself.

He does have times when he has meltdowns and DD does not see him much (and not unsupervised) at these times. She was with him at the start of his last big one and texted me at work right away. I got my BIL (her uncle) to go and pick her up immediately.

DD does enjoy the time with her Dad when he is having a better day and they do things like go swimming or to cinema together.

DP and I are both into walking/outdoors etc and she gets plenty of opportunities to try things like ski-ing, sailing etc. I train in martial arts with BIL and DD also did this for a year or so. Still can't get her to ride a bike though - well done Redhen!

I do worry that in the longer term ex H is going to lean more and more on DD for support and that it will overwhelm her as it did me.

i think that is whre we need to ive our Dc the tools to not be overwhelmed.

to know when to say "no".
that they are not the cause of dad's happiness/unhappiness etc. is difficult.