Been a single parent for a while now but hes only just moving out

[Katiekite]

My ex and I have been seperated for about 2 years now but still living together for our son. He is an amazing dad and always puts our son first, does all basic day to day tasks for him same as I do.
How do you go about making it as ok as possible for your kids? My son is 2 and a half so doesn't quite grasp the concept of us being together or apart but it breaks my heart that he's not going to have his dad around as much. I feel guilty even though the break up wasnt my fault (although it was my choice).
We have so far decided when he finds somewhere to live he'll have him 2 nights a week, and then every 3 weeks have him fri,sat,sun. Any advice on if this is too much/too little?
Don't really have anyone to talk about this with, i was a young(ish) mama, and none of my friends have kids. I also don't know what to tell family. I mean, i don't want them to nosey in because our split is amicable, we get on as friends and aim to do the best thing for our son.

Just keep reassuring your DS that you and his dad love him, and present the change to him as a good thing - 'Look, you'll have two homes, won't that be exciting?' As your breakup is amicable you and his dad can perhaps work on choosing new decorations for DS bedroom at his dad's new place, etc.
Kids are resilient and can cope with change better than they can cope with unhappy or squabbling parents.
Best ofl uck.

Thank you. I think he will be fine, I think I just work myself up about it and feel guilty which I have no reason to be guilty.

I split up with ex husband when DS was 2, at first he hardly seemed to notice as Ex was usually out from early in the morning until after he went to bed. After a couple of months when I went back to work, ex actually picked up DS from nursery and bought him home, sometimes even putting him to bed here if I went out. That was quite good for DS as a transition, he then started having overnight stays with ex after a year (only reason it wasn't sooner was because ex wasn't interested and didn't have somewhere suitable to stay).

A split at this young age can actually mean he has more quality time with both of you separately, my DS certainly saw more of his father in the first year after the split than he had in the year before.

You may still find that he wants you to be together or asks why Daddy can't move back in. Stating simple facts like 'Daddy has his own home now' and sticking with that can help, also pointing out to him other children whose parents don't live together so he doesn't feel like the odd one out.

Thank you. I think if my ex was out at work and stuff it might be a lot less noticeable but we're both students so we're around equal amounts.

All of my questions are kinda answered now but i still feel this awful empty feeling inside. I'm not sad about me and my ex, because well. We're better as friends and i enjoy that more i'm just sad for my son. He's never going to grow up with a family thats together. God that rips me apart.

Don't let it get to you. If you and your co-parent - that's what you and his dad are to each other - get on and love your DS and want to work together without being in a couple-relationship, things are going to be fine. Couple-relationships are not compulsory for GOOD parenting. Lots of people live in couples with their DC and hate each other or mistreat each other: two parents who have no romantic connection but plenty of respect and goodwill for each other make for a MUCH BETTER set-up than a married couple in a relationship full of abuse and violence or even ongoing contempt.

I do not have a couple-relationship with my DS' father; we were old drinking buddies who had dated each other years back and occaisionally had a shag; one night we were a little careless re contraception and now we have a lovely 7.5 year old. We don't live together but we get along well, to the point of having a 'family' outing now and again. Our family works just fine, our DS is happy and knows he is loved.

Thanks for that, a lot a lot. It makes me feel much better. I know my son is going to be a well loved little boy. I think when something comes to a end, a final end, it suddenly tugs on your heartstrings. I know I could never get back with ex partner but sometimes i found myself thinking "well i should really for my son" which is just stupid!

I agree with what's been said already. Your DS is roughly the same age my DD was when I split from my ex. He moved out 4 months after we split into a 1 bed room flat, but DD stayed overnight fairly early on. She has a lot of affection even now for that flat, as whenever we pass it, she always comments on the fact her dad used to live there, and that she wished he still did. The transition is important but it's not difficult especially at such a young age. Even though my DD has strong memories of her dad's 1st flat, she has no memory of him living with us despite me not having moved since she came along. I used to spend a lot of time at her dad's new place to help her settle there, and didn't leave her until she was completely happy and comfortable. It took a good few visits lasting a few hours at a time before she looked at ease and able to stay without anxiety. It was never an issue of her being worried about staying with her dad as she was used to him and comfortable with him. It was just a new environment, a slightly different set up and she had a little bit of anxiety about leaving me. All I had to do was make sure she could see how relaxed I was with the set up, and how happy I was for her to stay i.e. make sure I was excited for her etc.

Tbh, if you and your ex have a good friendship, and are able to communicate easily, then you will have no problems at all. You clearly have confidence in your ex's abilities to care for your child as you do, and that is a huge plus in these situations. All you have to do, is make sure that you both seem happy and positive about the new home, make it something exciting and positive for your DS, and be there for him to help him ease through the transition. He probably won't notice your ex not living there (much) and when he does, you just ask him if he wants to speak to his dad, phone your ex, and let them talk about when he's next going round there. Or take him round if that's possible. Just being able to let him have some form of contact with his dad when he ask about him, or seems to miss him I think can be really helpful. I was lucky in that my DD didn't ask for her dad at all, although she loves him, and would happily go and see him when she could.

I think sometimes the anxieties some children have in these situations are when there are barriers in place that don't help alleviate anxieties that any child would have about a change they may not be too sure about. As long as you and your ex are able to maintain an amicable relationship with good open communication and flexibility, then your DS will certainly benefit hugely from having 2 parents who are both focused on doing their best for him.

Good luck, hope it all goes well for you all.

I agree with everything people have said but as no one has commented yet in your proposed routine, I will :-)

It is not too much, actually, if he is so involved with his son fri, sat and sun nights in alternate weekends may be a bit better for all involved:
-Your son has more regularity
-He has more opportunity to stay an active partner in parenting

• And you have opportunity to rebuild your life. I found that having a childless weekend was a fantastic way to keep the house chores under control and was invaluable to reduce stress levels, meet with friends, etc.

Another good thing about amicable co-parenting is you do get the chance for a reasonable social life on those nights when the DC's other parent is looking after DC. My DS' dad comes over every weekend and one night midweek, if ever I get an invite to something I want to attend I can just ring him and ask if he's free that night... In fact, for NYE just gone, having had my original plans to attend a party with DS all go horribly wrong, I asked his dad if he could come over and let me out to see my fave band who were doing a free gig, having agreed with DS that we would (all three of us) celebrate New Year with a day trip to a steam rally.

bananaistheanswer, thanks so much. That post was amazing. I think I will end up going round a little before hand to make sure he'll settle in and stuff.
Piglet thats a good point tbh. I guess the reason we said originally every 3rd was because i'm really not looking forward to not having him over night. He was a really poorly baby and we spent a while in NICU and i suppose it made me a worrier! That said, i spent 2 years purely being a mam, not a person, not myself just a mam. And i've started developing this sort of social life and i'm really enjoying it. Not saying i like being without my son, but i'm really liking being a seperate person again. So I think it might be something we look into.
You guys have helped me more than you know xx