How do you all do it so well?

[BlueNails]

Ok, so my h left myself, dd (1yo at the time) and ds (4wo at the time) in December and my friend and her dd cam to stay with us until about three weeks ago when I thought I could deal with things by myself.

Anyway, I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. Ds is always either grumpy and crying or feeding and dd is the same (minus the bfing). I really don't know what to do. I feel so guilty, I am the reason that their dad doesn't want to see them.

I feel so exhausted, it feels like I've had no sleep at all in the last couple of weeks.

Hi op, couldn't pass by without saying hi. I'm also a lone parent, just one ds. I've been single for 8 years. It's bloody hard work with just one, I'm guessing its doubly difficult with two and yours are so young. You have such a lot to deal with. Could you ask friends or family to help you out? It does get easier, I promise. Do you have people you can speak to in real life? I'm off to bed but sure someone will be along soon. I hope you feel better.

Thanks Bucket, I know it will get easier, it's just hard to believe it at the moment. My friend has been so helpful. She stayed for the best part of two months with her 8yo dd and she helped a lot and I know she's always here for me, and she is also a lone parent so knows exactly what I'm going through and also loves any extra help (we are like a couple with 3 kids sometimes). Other than her, I don't really know anyone that could help

I'm not doing it so well.
I am doing the best I can to get through it. And i have a lot of support. I am very lucky.

Single parenting is hard work. but it is very rewarding when they are a bit older. Your Dc are young and at a damanding stage of life when even if you were not a single parent you would still feel tired. Don't beat yourself up about this.

It's NOT your fault he doesn't see his kids, it's HIS choice to be a dick.

I'd suggest anti-depressants, as it's all very new and raw and it sounds like you need something to take the edge of things, but I know that most if not all of them mean you can't BF - speak to your HV.

my ex walked out when ds was 8 weeks old so i know exactly how you are feeling.
My advice would be to get into a good routine as much as you can with 2 little ones. My dc were about the same age as yours are now.

Take each day as it comes. Try and make sure you keep on top of the housework when you can so that it doesnt overwhelm you and make sure that you have a long hot soak every night for some time to yourself.
It really does get easier.
Definately talk to your HV as they can offer lots of support and if there is a surestart near you some people find them the best thing since slice bread...

Good luck

Thank you all for great advice.

Sorry, just feeling really low today

It is understandable and I won't lie to you there will probably be other days of feeling low BUT there will be days where you realise that actually you can do this, and that today you have done this. You will adjust but it takes time.

And actually whilst it feels like you can, you are doing this.

• can't.

Some gp practices refer to special "separated " support and counselling do ask HV or gp . Talking to counsellor can help a lot

Also practical sure start etc ask H v

It's hard! Very hard. But we do it because we have no choice. And it's worth it. I'd never say I do an amazing job but I always do the best I can - sometimes that's quite good and other times, less so. But DS is confident, happy, loved and cared for, which is what matters.

I'm probably not the best person to advise at the moment because I'm really struggling - work, DS, life is a bit of a battle but I know it'll get easier. There's always ups and downs.

My ex walked out on me at the end of October for some OW. He blamed me entirely and I just want to say YOU are not the reason he left or doesn't want to see his kids HE is the reason.

It does get better it really does. I now realise what a lucky escape I have had from Ex. Life is still tough but I no longer cry every day and I realise I am the better person and have become a better person. I am not the one that has to wake up each day knowing they walked out on a family he is and so does yours. That will eat away at them. I wake up and see my little boys smile and although yours are still tiny they will bring you so much joy in between the tough, screaming, tantrums and hard slog!!

I was put on anti-depressants which I was against at first but they have helped enormously and I can cope an awful lot better now. Having children, especially small ones is hard and tiring and I think most people just muddle through it.

Go and see your GP and HV for some help and believe us all that it really does get better and easier.

Bluenails... :-(

Some questions for you:

• Was he a very involved parent before he left?
• Was he making you and your children happy?
• Was he taking the children off your hands so you can have some rest/time off?

I would bet that the answer to most of these questions is 'no' so don't feel hard done by, perhaps you were already a single parent by the time he left.

IME the key to keep things under control is to have a good routine which means the children will be less grumpy and you will be more rested and in a best frame of mind to cope with whatever happens on the day. Routine to feed the children and send them to bed, which allows you some time to wind up or prepare for the next day/week without the children distracting you all the time.

What worked for me in the early days was to go to bed at the same time as my child (8 pm), I then would wake up rested by 5, do half an hour of exercise and and hour of reading, then calmly get ready for the day before the children were awake, it made a huge difference to the way I felt during the day.

Everytime you cook, cook twice as much as you need to, and pop extra portions in the freezer. That way you will always have something in hand if you had a bad day and don't want to do any cooking.

And most importantly... don't feel pity for yourself, or allow anyone to feel it for you. The moment you see yourself as a victim is the same when you get disempowered. Trust yourself and be kind to yourself, you're doing the best you can and for the time being that's enough.

Nobody is perfect at parenting, not even married people with supporting partners.

Thanks for replying and sorry I haven't had a chance to get onto pc all day.

Thanks for all of the advice, you have all made me think and I guess I was basically a single parent by the time he left it just feels different it just being the three of us in the house, and no one else around for help or support or even just giving out hugs.

Hi - I really feel for you, barely just given birth and your partner buggers off - charming! Well you are better off without him, it may take you a while to believe it but you are. I was unceremoniously dumped last year with a 6 yr old and 8month old, luckily I was living and coping on my own anyway but to be dumped is hard, all your dreams and aspirations just disintergrate. I ditto all the above but want to add that go easy on yourself - having a 4 wk old baby is full on, you're barely over the birth and routines are still forming with your lo. Little and often I have found is a great rule of thumb and sometimes I just except it's a shit day and going to bed instead of tackling the housework is sometimes a better plan of action!

The next few months will be hard - emotionally and physically but you will get through to be blunt it's sink or swim so just get your head down and soon you'll be out the other side. It does feel unfair as well that you're doing all the hard work but that's just the way it is - dont let resentment consume you - he is the real loser in all of this and he is missing out on seeing his beautiful babies grow - you can hold your head high!! And finally the old clinche - time is a great healer is so very true, I'm ten months down the road and already I feel better and I can see how shit my "relationship" was and life is good, instead of feeling I want to cut his kno$ off with a blunt instrument I feel indifferent to him which I'm sure will happen for you too. Your doing a great job and it will get easier xxxx

Feeling quite surprised that so many men walk out when their partners have very young children, I thought I was in a minority but it seems not.

Mine were 5yrs old and 10 days old at the time he went. The day he went he moved out and my Mum moved in an hour later, and I could not have coped then and now without her. She stayed every other night taking the baby through the night so I could sleep and recover from my C Section. Not bad for a woman in her 70's at the time.

That was over 6 years ago now, and her any my Dad still play an active role in the children's life, taking them to and from school for me each day so I can hold down a full time job. Taking them for days out and on holiday because I cannot afford to myself. Taking them for haircuts, to the Dentist or Doctor whenever it is needed, all without moaning most of the time.

They have made the difference between me coping on my own and not. I couldn't have got this far without them and I tell them that often. I know I am lucky to have them. BlueNails, do you have any family you can lean on for some help until your DS gets older and life gets more into a routine? It does get easier as they get older, I am far more strict when it comes to rountines and things done when I say so now than I was when my oldest was a toddler. I have to be strict or it all falls apart and goes horribly wrong.

I'm not going to say life is a bed of roses as it is not, and on the whole I often feel like I am not coping but the kids are thriving in school and appear happy thankfully.

who said we did it well?

routine, muddling through, doing just enough, and remembering that you can not achieve the same amount as 2 people could.

I am trying to keep to a routine. But ds doesn't seem to like routine and dd has thrown he routine out of the window.

I am lying in bed with my babies (dd refuses to go to sleep anywhere else) and realising just how much of a tosser he is for leaving them and at the moment there is no one else I would rather share my bed with than my 2 gorgeous angels.

Hi

I have only one child, she's five now. I think it is really hard work until children are 2 or 3 years old, but then things start to get easier as they can do more for themselves. I imagine two children can be quite a bit more hard work.

I have no support, but the things that have helped me keep my sprits up are: having a really good routine, especially bedtime, be strict about this. Being very well-organised, I actually like planning everything to the tiniest detail anway. Work. Good childcare. Friends. Hobbies. The internet. Having time to relax at the end of the day (9pm - 12pm is my time). Treating Saturday as a day to go out and have fun. Treating Sunday as a rest day. I try to make dd as independent as possible and I try not to do too many things for her that she can do herself. Changing things occassionally so everything isn't too boring. Being creative. Taking pride in what I manage to achieve and not being hard on myself when I don't get things right.

I actually really enjoy being a single parent. There is lots to like about it once you find your feet.

I admit that I struggle with things to do with the children on a weekend. On a Friday night I try to get as much housework as I can done, but there is always more to do on a Saturday, the washing appears to be never ending.

But the kids quite rightly get bored stuck in the house whilst I'm trying to get the house sorted and ready for the week ahead often messing up the very room I've just sorted out.

I do try to take them swimming or out to the cinema or even the park weather permitting, but most things cost money, and at the end of the week I am usually down to literally my last few £'s, so money to go somewhere is just not there.

Anyone got any idea's on things we can do at home that are relatively cheap? Making stuff does not really appeal to both, nor does playing board games as one is so much older than the other - often ends in arguements. Again!

sheet over the table and have a picnic in the pirate cave/princess castle/undersea world/jungle.

Big sympathy to you BlueNails.

My ex-H left me when mine were 1 & 3.5 yrs old & it was very, very tough in the beginning. (I am almost 9 years on now & it really does get easier & easier.)

A few tips that helped me:

Accept any offer of help you get.

Make sure you eat well - take vit supplements if you feel run down.

Keep talking to your GP & if you start to feel really low, don't be scared of anti-depressants. I took them on & off for about 4 years & they kept me sane & functioning.

Be as sociable as you can be. If leaving the house is difficult because you still have a baby - invite people over. Company is good for you. As soon as you can manage it, get out & about. Go to all free clubs offered in your area for Mums & babies / toddlers.

Try & do jobs while the DCs are awake. It is hard when they are very little, but try and do as much as you can while they are awake, so that when they sleep you can rest up too.

Try and find a bit of time for yourself. See if a friend / relative (or even their father!!!!!!) can look after your DCs, even just for a couple of hours, so that you can curl up in a ball, paint your toenails, have a really long bath, make yourself a cake, veg in front of the TV - or whatever takes your fancy. You need to look after yourself.

I try to be as imaginative as possible, dd loves playing under the tables and chairs with all of my nice clean bed clothes grr flung all over it and it's like a tent, she just doesn't like playing by herself (I know she needs to get used to it but it's so hard to say no to anything, especially at the moment).

(I am a Beaver leader so she is very sociable and used to having everyone wanting to play with her and loves camping this may be the reason for bed clothes on table) but ds is the opposite, when I take him into her Tent/Castle he screams.

Their dad doesn't want to see them, now that dc are here he doesn't want to be a dad. He did before we had dc and while I was pg BOTH TIMES!!! (don't get me started)

I don't. XP went 3yrs ago when DS was 2 and DD was 4 months. I yell, stress and have the odd diazepam!

TBH it's got much harder as the kids have got older, work, school runs and less family help have scuppered us. But, I have to keep going. Luckily XP hasn't tried to see the kids so we're safe but that doesn't mean it's easy.