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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex-H saying he can't afford bus fare to see DC, would you pay it?

21 replies

ballstoit · 18/02/2012 23:43

Ex-H has started messing around with contact visits over last couple of weeks. He normally has the DC once a fortnight, overnight at my house. Last weekend was supposed to have them, but rang couple of hours before he was due to arrive to say he couldn't afford the bus fare to see them.

Was supposed to come Tuesday but texted in the morning to say he had an appointment he'd forgotten about so couldn't come. Re-arranged (again!) for Friday, but Thursday night he rang to say he could only come if I paid his bus fare or picked him up and dropped him off. I refused.

He isn't working (and hasn't been for over a year), and the DC get £3 a week through CSA which is deducted from his Jobseekers. When he has contact, I leave food in the house so he doesn't have to spend anything unless he chooses to. He left for other woman, and chose to move about 30 miles away to live with her.

I don't think I was wrong to refuse to pay or pick him up, but the DC were really upset to have been let down again yesterday. He has spoken to them on the phone tonight, and said he had no money to come, DS (6) said he would give him his leftover Christmas money . Do others think I was right to say no? Or have I been a bitch?

OP posts:

corlan · 18/02/2012 23:50

My XP tried this - he's also unemployed and wanted me to pay for his petrol to come and see our DD!

Like you, I said 'no'.

Most of us would crawl over broken glass to see our kids. It's not an exaggeration to say we would go without food so that we had the bus fare to see our kids.

My XP weighs about 18 stone, the day he looks as if he's missing meals to pay for the petrol to get to my house, I'll think about helping him out.

PinkCarBlueCar · 18/02/2012 23:51

Unless he has some major drain on his benefits - eg social fund repayments and other things - then he's a dick. But you knew that.

It's bus fare, ffs. The worst it could be for 30 miles would be around a £5. If he really wanted to see his kids, he could've borrowed that from a friend.

ToothbrushThief · 18/02/2012 23:56

balls -if he wished to see his DC he would do

What he is trying to do is absolve himself of any responsibility or cost to himself of seeing them.

When you can no longer meet his unreasonable demands you 'are to blame' for his lack of contact. Don't fall for it. HE alone is to blame. Sounds like you are being a stupendous mum to those children.

I'm sorry for your DC but sadly I suspect that the sooner they accept being let down the easier it will be for them. Don't try and fill the void - you can't. You are just delaying the inevitable moment when they find out their dad is a waste of space. (Sorry)

Fortunately it sounds as if you make up for him and your DC will be loved enough for both

edam · 18/02/2012 23:56

So that's what, three times he's made arrangements to see them but hasn't turned up? Including the pathetic excuse about 'an appointment'? Tosser. And how pathetic and manipulative, leaving poor ds to offer his Christmas money.

Your ex sounds like a prat.

BUT pink, £5 bus fare for 30 miles? Don't know where you live but in my neck of the woods, a fiver doesn't even get you into the nearest town, five miles away. Bus fares are not cheap.

Dotty0 · 19/02/2012 00:09

I'd have said no too, don't feel guilty hun, you've done nothing wrong x & huge hugs to your DS for offering his money x

My ex complains every time he visits that I moved away & it's costing him in petrol (he shouldn't have hit me then!) but he always has enough money to go to the pub/rugby/anywhere else he feels like. I don't let the boys know when he's coming now as 8/10 times he doesn't show.

Original poster

ballstoit · 19/02/2012 00:09

He has (mostly) afforded to see them for the last 9 months on the same income.

When he first moved to different area he didn't see the DC for 3 months. TBH after a couple of weeks they stopped asking about him. I just don't like to see them upset. I wouldn;t have told them he was coming, but he has rung to tell them after arranging it with me .

I don't want to block phone calls as he seems to be trying to wind the situation up (for reasons which are as yet unclear). He apparently has a solicitor's appointment on Monday as I am 'preventing him from seeing his children'. I have texted each time to confirm arrangements for contact, and confirming that he has chosen not to come, so don't really see where he thinks he will go with this. All had been going well, so I'm upset for both my Dc and myself, that he has decided to be a cock again.

OP posts:

bananaistheanswer · 19/02/2012 00:21

My ex has pulled this a few times. He doesn't actually pay bus fair as he has a disability bus pass so doesn't pay. He claimed he couldn't afford DD's bus fare (all 50p of it) to see her. I did offer to pay it, but there was some other reason on top of his lack of 50p, that meant he couldn't accept my offer.

Currently, my ex is 'not in the right frame of mind' to see DD as the CSA has caught up with him, and he's traumatised by the increase imposed on him by them. He doesn't blame me though very generous of him but he's 'suicidal' at the thought of having to pay this extra money all £40 of it. He is also being very wisely counselled by his g/f's father on all things CSA related, as he's an expert in evading them for years, only to declare himself bankrupt when they finally caught up with him 14 yrs on so no doubt he'll soon find a way out of the predicament he finds himself in, and all suicidal tendancies will disappear. Drama queen doesn't even begin to cover it.

Sorry OP, got a bit carried away there. I think you are completely right to refuse. I only offered as I knew it was a bullshit reason not to come.

struwelpeter · 19/02/2012 11:10

My ex used to pull this one when we were together but not living together. Asked me to pay him to look after ds, had to provide food etc, etc. If yours is living with gf then he shouldn't sign on if she's working, or if she is too then surely he can afford the bus fair.
If he is going to see sol, then send him a letter recorded delivery today detailing history of contact, his choice to move away and the missed contact and your efforts to reschedule. He is simply seeing how much he can push you re guilt over dcs seeing their dead

purpleroses · 19/02/2012 11:20

It's absolutely not your responsibility to pay his bus fare, but that said I really feel for you and your DCs offering their Christmas money :(

Maybe now you've made your boundaries clear, he will find other ways of making sure he's got the money in the future - it could have been setting a bad precident to give him the money.

Personally, I think I'd offer to lend the money if I was in your situation but with a firm agreement of when it will be paid back.

Dee03 · 19/02/2012 12:03

No don't give him any money....if you do then it'll soon be other things you'll be forking out for. As it is him and the dc get fed by you when he has them so really he doesn't spend anything on his contact time does he....
My xh used to be a lot like this but he hasn't seen his 2 ds now for over 8 years, his choice! He said he couldn't afford to see them......he lives 10 miles away and he drives!!!!!!!!!!!

Bossybritches22 · 19/02/2012 12:16

No you are totally in the right here, I can see how it would be upsetting to see the DC's disappointed but that's HIS fault not yours.

If he is starting to wind up about access I'd start keeping a log if I were you of the number of times he's cancelled. If he really doesn't have the fare then he should know that the night before not 3 hours before, and he really should be ring fencing that money if he were serious.

Note the dates & times he calls/cancels/ rearranges. Perhaps don't tell the DC's he's coming till he's on his way?

rosie1977 · 19/02/2012 12:20

Keep every single text message, make a note of every single phone call and the details of those calls.

So what if he sees a solicitor, when you go and see yours you have actual PROOF that HE is the one letting the kids down.

blackeyedsusan · 19/02/2012 12:22

he is responsible for getting himself to the children. you are making them available for contact. if he buggers it up it is his on fault. poor dc's though. definitely keep a list of contact he has refused.

balia · 19/02/2012 19:25

My DD used to pay for train tickets out of her own money to see her Dad. She no longer bothers with him.

Although having said that, I'd drop them off at his every fortnight rather than having the ex in my house overnight!

Original poster

ballstoit · 19/02/2012 21:14

I have no address for him, all correspondence for the divorce is sent c/o his solicitor, which is why he only has the DC here. I have made it clear that he will not have the DC to stay until I have an address where they would be staying. TBH I think this has suited him as he has not asked to have them at his.

Last summer I dropped him off in the city where he is now living after he had the DC on a Saturday night as there is no Sunday bus service. I have also 'lent' him money for bus fare over Christmas period as he said his JSA had been delayed (not that he's paid me back).

Part of me feels it's time to make a stand, but there is still a bit that feels guilty that my DC have been upset and, also, feels slightly worried about what the outcome of solicitors, courts etc will be. I really worry that a court would make an order for overnight contact and I'll have no idea where DC are, and how safe the environment is. It's almost as bad as being married to him again, with the wondering what will happen next and him being completely unreliable

OP posts:

Dee03 · 19/02/2012 21:57

I think if they give him overnight contact then surely you can have address of where your dc will be.

Meglet · 19/02/2012 21:59

Nope.

purpleroses · 19/02/2012 22:04

Could you find out where he's staying by offering to drop them off if/when he ever wants to have them overnight? If he's struggling with finding a bus fare would have thought he'd go for that, and it would give you a chance to have a look at wherever he's living.

If he's not actually asked you for overnights, then why do you think the court would order that? Could you suggest just something more minimal - eg take them out for a day, or at your place if you're happier with that, and see if he'd go for that?

1111211331 · 19/02/2012 22:47

Just thought I'd chip in to say I think you did the right thing - like someone's already said it would set a bad precident to lend him (another) bus fare. It's hard when you feel like you're being mean and the kids offering their Christmas money is heart breaking, but as someone already said as well if he's unreliable over this, he's got every chance of finding something else to be unreliable about next time. :(

If it was the other way round don't you think you'd just make sure you had the money to see your kids?

Dee03 · 19/02/2012 23:05

All I know is my xp doesn't have parental responsibility so when we split 8 years ago when ds was 11 months old I went to a solicitor (as he was verbally abusive and aggressive) and it was stated, amongst other things, that I had the address of his house and also his gf if our son was to spend overnight there...he agreed and signed....although it wasn't through court but if it turned that way then at least I had something to prove he was willing at the time IYSWIM....
But maybe it's different if both parents have PR....

PigletUnrepentant · 20/02/2012 13:36

Sit back and let him do the walking. Nobody can accuse you of not facilitating contact if the door is open for him to visit.

Asking for a fixed contact day is the best course of action when there is a nrp who constantly changes agreed contact dates without a reasonable cause. Avoid being "on call" for when he feels he may want to see his children. Having that structure will make him more responsible if he cares for his children.

Try not to feel threatened by solicitor letters, at the end of the day they are just fancy letters written by someone who at this point doesn't know your side of the story.

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