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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

not "allowed" to work and put DS in nursery

23 replies

useyourloaf · 18/02/2012 20:00

I need reassurance again!!!

I told my ExP some weeks back that I'd need to go back to work soon (2 days a week) and would he or his mother have DS 2.9, for one extra morning. (ExP would have DS for the PM, overnight and next day anyway). After some conflict because I asked exMIL direct rather than going through him, it was agreed.

Have offer from agency for regular 3 days work week rather than 2. Have to take what's on offer really as too long out of work will make it even harder to get permanent post. Told ExP that I'd need to change arrangments. He/his mother can't cover the extra day but there is a vacancy at my local day nursery and I went to have a look yesterday with DS.

Don't like having to put DS in day nursery but I don't suppose there are many parents who do.

ExP has said that he doesn't agree with DS in daycare and either I do 2 days work or he will go to solicitor. He also told me again that I'm insane and that he is concerned for his sons welfare because of my behaviour!

Ok, I am in very, very fortunate position to not have a mortgage, but not savings and I still need to have an income. ExP says I don't need to work and I am being selfish and not thinking of DS but of myself.

ExP gives me some maintenance when I hassle him. If I said nothing which I did up until 4/5 months ago, he'd pay me nowt.

Someone reassure me that he can't stop me going back to work and putting DS in daycare for ONE DAY!!! He controlled me for so long that I doubt my own mind sometimes.

It's long and a bit pathetic really I know!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 18/02/2012 20:11

Of course he can't and go through the CSa for maintenance.

gallicgirl · 18/02/2012 20:21

Of course he can't. If he's so concerned about his son being in nursery, then he should cut hours or pay for child care or whatever he prefers.

I would argue that mixing with other children would be good for your son's development and improve his social skills.

youngermother1 · 18/02/2012 20:38

I was SAHM and still used nursery for 3-4 mornings a week (forget exactly) to increase social skills etc.

froggies · 18/02/2012 20:42

Absolutly, he cannot stop you going back to work or putting your child into nursery. My ex went off on one when he found out I was starting a college course 1 day a week, DD2 was going to be in college crèche, and DD1 was going to a friends before/after school. A lot of noise, but there is absolutly nothing he can do about it.
You are entitled to earn a living, you have found suitable childcare for your child, which you will be paying for, it is not affecting his normal contact hours, and you have told him about it....there is NOTHING insane about this it is absolutly normal and reasonable and responsible.
He is just pissed because you are making decisions for yourself and getting on with your life without him. Well done! You will find it very liberating when you get used to it, and you will find it easier and easier to ignore his rediculous comments, soliciter indeed, he would be laughed out of the office.

nooka · 18/02/2012 21:02

Many families have their child go to nursery for the child's benefit at that age, it's not in any way a strange thing to do. So long as it is a good nursery then your ds will probably enjoy it very much. Your ex can of course go and speak to a solicitor, but he's not going to get anywhere with such a daft claim. You might find it useful to take legal advice on getting your maintenance and contact arrangements formalised, as it sounds like your ex is inclined to play silly buggers.

TheSkiingGardener · 18/02/2012 21:09

Well obviously you are being completely unreasonable. If you start getting a career and your DC starts socialising how the heck is he going to control you both?

cestlavielife · 18/02/2012 21:09

Your ex is nuts of course a nursery is fine.
Just smile and let him spend lots of money ona solicitor for this.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 18/02/2012 21:28

Thanks for your comments. I know there's nothing he can do other than to keep upping the abuse and threats and that he'd not get very far legally with this.

It's actually made me realise how far he has/would go to try to control me and in turn that's made me realise that I'm not all those things he has told me I am and that I'm probably OK and that has given me a boost. The penny's dropped after 10 years!!!

OP posts:

PinkCarBlueCar · 18/02/2012 21:34

Wow. Can he spell transference? If he's serious, then he'll be on a hiding to nothing getting a court to agree with him. Does he seriously imagine that a judge will rule that you cannot work 3 days instead of two? Never mind that he'll be hard pushed to find a solicitor who'll indulge his delusion.

If he can get it there, it'd be worth letting him go to court over this for him to show what a controlling, abusive arsehole he is.

And what everyone else said about formalising the other arrangements before he starts dicking about with that too.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 18/02/2012 21:52

I know it's pretty unbelievable isn't it PinkCarBlueCar and this is only latest example.

Thanks for advice and I will make it a priority to get contact and maintenance formalised.

He also said he was going to come and collect DS tomorrow because he was concerned for his welfare. This made me think seriously about allowing usual contact on Monday for fear of him refusing to let me have DS back. F**king nightmare. So need to get legal advice.

OP posts:

PinkCarBlueCar · 18/02/2012 21:57

Do you have any form of court order at present? Residency, contact?

And although I'm sure of the answer, does he have any valid reason to be concerned for DS's welfare?

Original poster

useyourloaf · 18/02/2012 22:22

There are no formal arrangements in place. We've just agreed contact arrangements between us and the same with maintenance really although its only in last few months that I've hassled for financial contribution.

He has absolutely no reason to be concerned for DS's welfare. DS eats like a king, never stops chatting away, can almost read, loves talking to grown-ups and children, has great sense of humour, is reasonable...need I go on. He's amazing. Yeah he has off days but he's a toddler ffs. He is thriving.

ExP would find issues though around co-sleeping (DS wanders into my room sometimes and I don't turf him out of the bed). I think he'd be hard pushed to find much else.

OP posts:

FannyBazaar · 18/02/2012 23:01

He sounds like a very controlling ex and you may find it takes a while to get over this and you will see more and more things he had tried to convince you on if you have been with him that long. Do you have friends and family you can sound off to? It helps to have sane people around to remind you that you are doing the right thing.

Co-sleeping at this age is perfectly normal too and if you have your DS with you for the majority of time then you need to go with what works for the two of you.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 18/02/2012 23:19

Thanks FannyBazaar for your support.

I don't have any friends at the moment as I'm hopeless at making small talk and lack confidence that I'm friend material I guess. It wasn't always this way!

I'm not totally alone family wise, but have lost all closest members of family, so I'm quite isolated.

MN is my sounding board.

OP posts:

PinkCarBlueCar · 18/02/2012 23:45

Yeah, that was the answer I was expecting... So the worst he could level at you that would have any bearing to reality would be that DS wanders into your room in the night and you don't turf him out. Big whoop. That, like anything else he's threatened, would go nowhere.

Ok. So here's my suggestion on what you need to do. This situation is unlikely to get better, and once you do this, it will get a lot worse for a time. Ready?

Take it to court yourself.

Set out your application for residency to be with you and for contact to be along the lines of what is already in place.

This will piss him off no end (even though it's essentially just a rubber stamp for what's already happening), but it puts you in control of the situation instead of being dicked around by his desire to control and intimidate you. If he gets over himself for the sake of DS, then great. If he doesn't, then it was unlikely to happen anyway but at least you have the residency and contact locked down.

Given the background of his behaviour towards you, I'd recommend you contact you local Women's Aid and talk to them for both strategies on how to go forward with this (including solicitors who have dealt with this sort of thing), and for some form of confidence building courses for you.

youngermother1 · 19/02/2012 00:29

also get maintenance sorted at the same time - he should not be able to control you financially

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 02:15

Yup, see a solicitor, get everything formalised. Remember that this man does not have superpowers and you do not have to obey him. It's fine to put the phone down on him, ignore texts and shut the door in his face if he turns up unannounced and unexpected. You don't have to ask his permission to get legal advice: he will be obliged to pay maintenance by law and while a court would insist that DC are allowed reasonable contact time with their father (unless he is a danger to them) no court will compel you to have contact with him if you don't want to, ie he can see DC via a contact centre or a third party can deal with handovers.

It's always worth remembering that abusive men actually have no power in law to control you WRT to work, your social life etc. Absolutely none. And the law can be used to but the wanky bullying man in his place if need be.

slowginny · 20/02/2012 19:06

Hi OP, have a look to see if there's a Gingerbread friendship group in your area. They are a good way to make new friends and you are welcome to lurk at the sidelines and edge in at your own pace.

Original poster

useyourloaf · 20/02/2012 22:48

thanks slowginny I'll have a look, then likely I'll lurk!

OP posts:

jjgirl · 21/02/2012 07:47

If he is that controlling you should refrain from discussing your life with him. Conversations should only be about DD. not about you!

Original poster

useyourloaf · 21/02/2012 16:19

I don't discuss my life with him jjgirl one, because it's not possible to "discuss" anything and two, because I don't want him knowing anything about my life outside of what concerns DS (not DD btw). He makes the conversation about me. What ever gave you the impression that I am discussing my life with him?

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 25/02/2012 16:17

Yep agree with PCBC- you have to get things formalised to stop him being so controlling (or trying to be good for you for standing up to him!!) No way has he any right to dictate your working arrangements, you arrange what you want & just inform him.

It's been good in a way that you have managed without solicitors thus far but an official arangement would be better, and if you make the first move it shows YOU are calling the shots which will not only make you feel better but will aggravate the pants off him!

My only other advice would be to kerep a note of when he calls/texts & what is said. If you make arrangements for child care and confirm by email if you can so you have a copy & send a copy to your MIL so he can't contradict /deny arrangements. all those sorts of things will help your solicitor if he does get nasty.

You are doing great, good luck with the extra work & the nursery he'll be fine going & enjoy it.

WibblyBibble · 25/02/2012 22:11

Congrats on the job! Your ex sounds mental, there is no way a court or anyone is going to find a problem with you working 3 days a week- it's practically an ideal situation for a parent of a preschooler.

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