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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Sick to death of it!

14 replies

talie101 · 17/02/2012 10:11

I put up with all the shit from you! I put up with you not coming for access, I put up with you being late, I put up with you re-arranging, I put up with you not having the dc's for the whole access time etc. Why do I put up with it? -because it's supposed to be 'in the best interests of the children'! This is doing more harm than good - bollocks to all the do-gooders out there, you don't know what you're saying! I also put up with the crap because it stops the abuse from you - you get what you want it makes life easier but then you take the piss! What do you do in return? NOTHING! If I ask a favour you always have an excuse! Can I do anything about it? NO! If I say no to you, you get abusive and threaten me with legal action. If you take me to Court, they pat you on the back because you put on a good show and play the doting father, and give you more access for you to mess around with!

What a f'cking shit life! There needs to be laws to STOP you messing around with other peoples lives and become decent responsible fathers, instead of the selfish w@nkers that you are! You do enough to show willing and look good for the Courts but not enough to be a decent father!

Sorry, just needed to vent!

OP posts:

MrGin · 17/02/2012 11:12

become decent responsible fathers, instead of the selfish w@nkers that you are!

Talie. I'm sure dealing with a dick of an XH is super stressful. And it's good to vent. I do sympathise although I can't offer much advice. ( this has been going on for years no ? )

But some of us, indeed I'd venture to say all the dads who post in lone parents, are actually decent humans who step up to the mark, pay maintenance and strive to be good dads to our dc and support our XPs where possible.

Some of us have struggled to get access to our children.

If we could perhaps curtail blanket accusations of 'selfish wankers' , or as I've seen in two recent threads the term 'sperm donors' I think it'd be all for the better.

cestlavielife · 17/02/2012 11:23

no law can make a human being become decent and responsible.
only that person can make that choice.

so it is pointless venting against laws...

cestlavielife · 17/02/2012 11:25

an besides - when you had sex to make the baby you didnt think of him as sperm donor did you (or did you??) i agree with sir gin here - tru some parents didnt match up to their repsonsibilitis but that wasnt in the plan...

and many parents who split want to do the right hing male and female

MrGin · 17/02/2012 11:29

cestlavielife thanks for the knighthood :o but I changed back to plain old 'mr' a while back. :)

Meglet · 17/02/2012 11:30

Take him to mediation. He either shapes up or sees them at a contact centre while he sorts his priorities out. Don't stand for it a moment longer, it's his kids he's pissing about.

XP refused to see the kids on time or without abuse, he was thrown out of mediation and refused to go to the contact centre. Not nice knowing the children grow up without a dad but at least we never have to deal with his abusive shitty-ness again.

Dee03 · 17/02/2012 11:31

I hear exactly what you're saying Talie.
Been there, done that.....and it is very stressful

blackeyedsusan · 17/02/2012 11:59

mr gin. I think the op is talking about one feckless father in particular.

I am sure we have all ranted about men/women.... then realised that actually, we mean one man/woman in particular.

spermdonor is very derogatory though, (unless they are actually a proper clinic going/agreed in advance sperm donor of course. )

cestlavielife · 17/02/2012 12:03

i also agre with meglet that taking action to not take any abuse is needed.

you not with him now
and no you dont have to put up with abuse.

going on freedom programme

being calm and taking him to mediation

short course of CB with trained DV counsellor for strategies on delaing wih ex
going on a seperated and divorce course eg [www.drw.org.uk] can help

MrGin · 17/02/2012 12:16

Susan I did think twice before posting, if you read her last paragraph, it is filled with plurals not singulars.

I'm sure she didn't mean to lump us all in together. I don't mean to detract from her very real problems. Sorry.

PinkCarBlueCar · 17/02/2012 12:36

Record everything - get a diary, and note in it pick and drop off times and any other relevant factual details.

Disengage as much as possible - keep any communication to text and email so that there is a record. If something's said about arrangements, follow it up with a short text so that there's always clear, civil recorded communication about the DC.

Don't ask favours of him - if you need to re-arrange contact, then be sure it's for good reason. You don't need to give that reason to him (although it's no bad thing to state the reason to him), but you do need to give him reasonable warning of the change of contact and reasonable offer of a way to make up that "lost" contact.

In short, you need to be an adult towards him being a tantrumming toddler, and you need to be able to show what he did and what you did in response.

He is an arse, and this will bite him one day. Hopefully soon and via the courts, if not then once his DC are old enough to be tired of being pissed about by him. Play the long game.

Feel free to rant on here any time you like, just please remember us men on MN are already completely outnumbered, and we're not all like him (we wouldn't last two seconds on here if we were like that).

Finally, find some way of physically releasing the frustration - some form of exercise for preference - if at all possible.

Becky36 · 17/02/2012 16:49

Not too sure there is any solution to your problem, but it's good to vent now and again. I have similar problems with my ex. For example this weekend he was going to have our son on Sunday and then rang me today to say that he had a chance for some overtime now and couldn't pick him up until later on Sunday.

My personal view on this was that this isn't actually part of his working week but overtime and if he chooses to work then that is actually a choice he is making not to stick to the arrangement which HE made.

However I turned the tables on him and told him that he didn't have to see our son at all this weekend if he didn't want to (in a sickly sweet way) and of course then I got 'of course I want to see my son blah blah blah'.

I used to get really cross when he broke arrangements, brought our son back early without letting me know etc etc, but I realised the only person who was upset was me. And sometimes being nice, over-the-top nice, gets me further than shouting

catwoman1970 · 20/02/2012 21:31

They get away with murder and everyone feels sorry for them, bad fathers should have no bloody rights. How is it right for them to come and go as they please

PinkCarBlueCar · 20/02/2012 23:02

Ahem. It should be possible for bad parents to have the PR removed, as it is in Canada, imo.

foolonthehill · 20/02/2012 23:19

PCBC that I could definitely sign up to.

Op sorry it's so rubbish...stake out the moral high ground and get yourself a little black book as PCarBC has suggested. Dates and times and texts and so on...and when you shut the book let the bad stuff stay inside it....ready for use if needed.

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