What do you think?

[TitchVida]

I am a lone parent, I got (very very unexpectedly) pregnant by my ex husband, we'd been split up a long time and just had a bit of a fling. Anyway, to cut a long dull story short, he wanted me to have an abortion, I said no, as I was 40 at the time and had been told I was infertile...blah blah.

So I have a fabulous 8 month old DD and I work full time, went back after maternity leave, can just about afford the childcare and the rent and stuff. It's a bit tough at times but pretty much it's great.

Her father - he decided to ask for a DNA test (positive, obvs) but still declined to put his name on the birth cert, and has seen her about once a month since she was born, 50% of the time I have taken her to him so she can see her grandparents too.

I have felt like, as I decided to have her and he didn't want me to, that it's not completely reasonable to ask him for money - plus he keeps telling me he has none.

What would you do? I think if I do ask him for any contribution it is likely to make the already tenuous relationship that much more fragmented, and I really want to try and help them have the best possible relationship - that's more important than money, right?

i disagree it takes two to tango its his baby his responsibility dont give him an easy ride ask for contribution /csa its insulting being asked for dna where exactly did he think he was sticking it

Personally I wouldn't feel it was my right to turn down money on behalf of my DD, she has every right to be provided for and her father has a duty to pay, both legally and morally. Contact and finances should never be linked and he shouldn't use emotional blackmail and threaten to avoid contact or harass you to stop your DD getting money that is rightfully hers.

I am not sure if the best possible relationship can really be formed with a person who just tries to avoid his financial responsibilities anyway, how could he look her in the eye when you are struggling to afford things and he is refusing to pay?

Yes. Contact is more important than CM. Kids grow up, they start to be able to think for themselves, and if the RP has kept them from their NRP because NRP wouldn't stump up, then they'll deservedly reap the whirlwind.

If instead they did all they could to keep things civil and be the better person for the sake of their child, then they can hold their head high knowing they did all they could to do the right thing by their child. So long as that didn't mean overly pandering to the NRP

That said, it's often the case that "deadbeat" NRP's can't be arsed to either see or pay for their progeny, whereas there are many NRP's who pay through the nose and get precious little contact no matter what they do.

In my own case, my ex through her actions and choices no longer has contact with DD. If she made some consistent effort to rebuild their relationship, I would do all I could to support that, including giving her back the paltry £10 per fortnight I get from the CSA after they marked her as non-compliant. I've been on benefits, and it's shit. But if it's a way of reminding her about her DD and her responsibilities, then fuck it, I'll have the £10 for all the difference it makes to anyone's actual income. And I only went that route when it was clear that she wasn't going to step up to making the effort of consistent contact.

i had my DD after not realising i was pregnant. Her father and I had split up months and months previously after me realising he was still with his fiance (we had been together 6 months and he kept it secret!); I ended it as she was pregnant and I didnt think it was fair on his ($ kids) - who I also didnt know about - seperate flats acount for a lot of things!. So when I had her; he had got married and was on the verge of moving away. I havent asked for a penny off him; even though I could do with it; do i have to let him see her to claim some help?

Yeah it's not really about contact vs CM as such - I just wanted to sound people out more on the whole responsibility thing. Yes, it was hugely insulting to ask for a DNA test, and he said some hurtful things when I was pregnant too, am trying to let it go cos wha good does it do? I just mean, he didn't want to BE a parent, should I even be trying to get hin to be responsible?

Thing is, in some ways I'd rather he just shoved off and had the courage to say I don't CARE if other people judge me, I don't want to be a parent. But what actually happens is not a lot :)

And I have so much to be thankful for - not least I have a fab baby I never expected to have - just brilliant.

If he doesn't want to be a parent, that's sad for you and your DD, but I don't think that making him pay, or not making him pay will make a great deal of difference. How recently was the paternity test? Is he just taking a long time to accept what's happened do you think?

Your best bet with the contact might be to make sure you facilitate access, and always leave the door open for him (possibly via the grandparents) but try to accept that that is where your responisbility (and your power) ends. You can't force him to have a relationship he doesn't want. He may change, so leave things open, but carry on enjoying your lovely baby in the meantime.

With the money - if you suspect that he really doesn't have much money (ie he's unemployed) then you'll get minimal amounts off him either informally or via the CSA, so it may be easier not to bother. But if he's earning, then you are within your rights to ask for him to contribute (CSA take 15% of net income for one DC). Whether you choose to do this, is your own decision I think. You don't have to ask for money if you can afford to look after your DC alone and would prefer the sense of independence that comes from doing so. But if you need the money, or feel that he ought to be contributing, then ask.

Look at it this way - you had a choice in the matter & he didn't. Yes it takes two but his choice if he'd been allowed to make it was an abortion. Personally, if you can manage financially then I wouldn't press it - things change & ,maybe when he comes round to being a father he may well stump up some maintenance.

Thanks - yes RedHelen that's kind of my thinking. I would love him to recognise what a great opportunity this is, and to be as excited as I am. And if he also wanted to take some financial responsibility too, that would be cool.

The paternity test was not long after DD was born - she is 8 months now. So he's had a while, but maybe it will take longer. And he did work full time when she was born, but has decided to work 2 days a week now.

WTF? He did have a choice- he had a choice not to have sex, or to use contraception of his own if he really didn't want a baby. It's hardly rocket science that shagging occasionally leads to babies and that if you're male you get the downside of not picking an abortion just like you get the upside of not having your genitals ripped up. So that's a complete nonsense argument, sorry.

If he's going to fuck up contact with his child over a bit of money, then he will find something else to fuck it up over in future and at least your child will have something from him. In a just world he would be prosecuted for neglect for refusing contact. It's pretty pathetic to give in to the men have only rights no responsibilities crap so early on!