help please!! i need some advice!!

[babycc29x]

its a long story but ill keep it as short as poss!

i had a hard pregnancy, my sons father left me as soon as a found out i was pregnant (best thing that had happened to be honest!!) he never went to any scans etc gave me stupid excuses!! and 2 weeks before i was due to give birth the sperm donar gets in contact via facebook! i changed my number mid pregnancy as i ended up in hospital with stress! this would have been his 6th chance!

labour, he didnt show! until 20 minutes after my son was born! be claimed to his lawyer he was there when i was giving birth!! joke or what!! saw my son 4 times in 4 weeks!! moaned at the fact i named him, argued with me about everything - i had planned to go n see my aunty with my baby!!
anyway he stays about 45 minutes away from me! my son had the sniffles at 4 weeks i told his dad - i got 3 excuses even his mum lied to me!! enough was enough i changed my mobile number n moved on with my life - he knew my house number!! 3 months later i got a message on facebook callin me a bad mother and lawyers would get in contact!
i went through csa cause i know he wouldnt pay!
when my son turned 6 months i got a laywers letter the day before mothers day!! visited a lawyer told her everything, he started seeig my son when he was 7 months old for 3 hours at the weekend! since i was pregnant ive counted ive had 33 excuses not togo to certain things or not to take my son! may last year the payments stopped for 3 months when he was working he only sees my son 6 hours one day a week normally at the weekend!! the payments stopped again in october till this month (still havent recieved anything even though he is working!!) he started gettin overnight at xmas time and got extra days around that period (court ordered) he has never asked how my son is durning the week, or after each visit, he cant eventell me who my sons favourite cartoon character is!! the overnight stays effect my sons routine hes been sleeping through the night since he was 7 weeks old as soon as he had an over night wif his dad, he wakes up with him 2/3 times and when he comes home to mine he can wake up to 5 times a night for up to 2 weeks until i get hom back into his routine again!!

yesterday when i phoned csa the advised me they were trying to get in contact with him n he had been blanking the calls!!

so i confronted him yesterday via text so i have proof for my lawyer!! hecalled me scum, a liar, a disgraceful mother and a so called mother!!
scum - i am not i provide for my son and have done since day one and put a roof over his head
liar - i dont need to lie about anything
a disgraceful mother/ so called mother - again i give my son everything and have done since day one and will do till the day i die!!

the thing is i dont mind being a sole provider for my son infact i am proud of this that i have done this, but what bothers me is someone else who thinks hes father of the year thinks hecan take pride in that and make out its him that has done it all!!

ive emailed my lawyer eerything regarding the past few days i want to stop contact until he can provide, but i have been told a cant do this!! my son hasnt saw a penny from may for the 3 months or since october to this month so he owes about 7 months of csa money when he was working!! i work full time so i can basically get my son everything that i never got and give him a good life, i dont want to be a stay at home parent, i work full time and manage to do everything and more with my son! im not getting called scum a liar disgraceful mother or a so called mother off this waster!!

my friends think its disgracful how this has happened my son is now 1 and a half, his dads saw him a handful of times and he barely cares about him!! in court he gets everything he wants!! when hes a feckless father!!

what exactly can i do? help please :(

I'd refer you to the tsunami of similar posts on this subject that have all appeared this week.

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It's really tempting to take the piss, because as has been pointed out there's been a lot of threads recently - NRP (Non-Resident Parent) pays nothing but still wants contact, what a twunt, what can I do?

I'm sure it hasn't got anything to do with proposed changes to family law, oh no.

And your massive overuse of exclamation marks really doesn't help you get sympathetic replies.

"ive emailed my lawyer eerything regarding the past few days i want to stop contact until he can provide, but i have been told a cant do this"

Guess what? Your lawyer is right. That is the law. The child's right to see their NRP is separate to their right to be financially supported by that NRP. Furthermore, court hearings about contact are just that - they are not about CM (child maintenance).

The CSA have contacted him and he's blanking them. For you, that is actually a good thing, as that means they move through their procedures and mark him as "non-compliant". You want this, as it means they will, in time, take the money directly from his wages / benefits and pass it to you. Stay in touch with them, disengage from your ex.

For further copy for your newspaper / dissertation / GCSE coursework info, please read through the various other threads on this same topic.

And if you really are genuine, listen to your lawyer. Really listen, make sure you're making his / her life as easy as possible so they can present you in the best possible light to the judge. And stop communicating with your ex unless you absolutely have to.

I would respectfully suggest you learn to spell, punctuate, get yourself a crash course in grammar, lay off the exclamation marks, and get some decent legal advice.

the thing is i have listened to my lawyer. i even changed my lawyer because the previous one contradicted herself throughout. the first one told me not to contact which i did do, then when something arose, she came back and said why didnt you contact him! erm because u told me not to! when i first went to the first lawyer i even said look we'r never going to be civil he always has something to say, i want visits to be local and i want to be there!... no u cant do this, sort your differences on your own time!
my new lawyer seems alot better as soon as i went to see her, i gave her my diary from when i was pregnant all the excuses, she saw we were never going to be civil and i explained we need to sort our differences for the sake of my son! if he doesnt want to do this he can do one am not wasting my sons life on a deadbeat! as soon as i said this she suggested ammedation - i agreed to the court hearing agreed but its yet to happen. i cant have a civilized conversation with him whatsoever, without getting called a bad mother or a scumbag! this is supposed to be the father of my child how can i respect that?

how can he provide for my child when he doesnt work? he even had a cheek and said to me public transport isnt an option and said this in a court hearing!! also tried to get it put in place for his mother to pick up my son!

1. id walk to the other side of the world to see my son!! its absoultley disgusting saying that public transport isnt an option!!
2. i refused point blank at the end of the day my son is my responsibilty when i have him and solusly provide for him, it should be the same for him!! not his mother to do so and do his dirty work for him.

im a mother 99% of the time. that 1% is him. as soon as his 6 hours r over my son doesnt exist to him.... what type of father doesnt ask how his child is? on the days he doesnt have him!

legally he has to contribute to his sons upbringing and not doing so. ive read up on csa if it goes to court what are they going to do? he doesnt have a driving lisence, a house or any valuable possessions! hes a waster

Again, I would respectfully suggest you learn to spell, punctuate, get yourself a crash course in grammar, lay off the exclamation marks, and get some decent legal advice.

It's still fairly early days, this is all very raw emotionally for both of you.

At a guess, I'd say your lawyer means that you need to have some discretion in what you contact your ex about. To me, this would mean that you don't contact him about anything other than DD, and only then if you really have to. Then, keep it short, factual and unemotional. Say what you need to say, clarify if necessary, then that's it. Treat him as you would a tantruming toddler.

NRP's often don't ask after their DC between contact for a variety of reasons, not all of them because they can't be arsed. Sometimes it's because it hurts too much. I'm far from saying that's the case here, I'm just saying there's more than one reason.

If you stay closed off to other possibilities, the hearings will go hard on you. You need to understand that your DD has the right to contact with her father, and that it's highly likely that the courts will support this, until such time as he's made it utterly clear that he only wants it on his terms.

Agreed with PCBC and can't say anything more than what has been said already.

Op you posted a similar thread recently and it's clear you are under lots of pressure and stress.

Are you getting any real -life support? Family or friends?

Also, you say that you want to supervise his contact personally. This is a bad idea on sooo many levels. If you ask, I'm sure myself and other posters will give you many reasons.

For what reason(s) do you want to supervise his contact, and why do you want to do it yourself?

Not sure she does want that PCBC just for him NOT to have contact until he pays which isn't allowed I'm sure OP much as we all might want it so.

Try and calm down and not be so stressed about it all, easy for me to say I know but you'll only make yourself ill and thats no good for you OR your DS is it?

Make a list of questions you want to ask us and post them again tomorrow if it would help but honestly i think you need to see your solicitor and listen to her advice.

thanks bossybritches someone who can actually post without being judgemental on my "grammar" when i couldnt give a monkeys about it haha!!

anyway i have close family and friends they all think its disgusting the way ive been treated and spoken to, its not so much the money i dont need it neither does my son, to be honest we better off without it! my son gets everything and more off myself and im so proud of myself for doing it! It the principle i didnt make myself pregnant! so i dont see how courts find it ok and favour the father over a mother, when the mother (myself) brought up my son, put a roof over his head, put clothes on his back, food in his belly, hes the healthest most happiest little boy anyone could ask for, hes in nursery durning the week so i can work, on my day off i take my son to the zoo, swimming, out in his electric ride on car, to the park. etc. i cherish the time i have with my son! but i will never let anyone else make out they done it (his dad) when it was me! i know when my sons older he will relise i done everything for him and will keep doing it!!
ive had him in a set routine since he was 7 weeks when over night was introduced this basically went tits up! hes had 3 overnights with his dad and each time its took me 2 weeks to get him back into a routine and a week later its back to square one!

his dad does absoutley nothing, he cant drive - so his mum and himself pick up my son, he has him for 6 hours, after the 6 hours my son doesnt exist until the next week. he doesnt provide or bought him any clothes. at overnight stays i have to provide clothes and pyjamas! and they come back absoultey filthy!! - it only takes 2 minutes to put them in a washing machine!

put it this way my HV know everything and saw how i am as a parent and she cant fault it! his nursery teachers say to me everyday, he is an absoulte joy, u must be so proud, one of them even said to me last thursday, u can tell he has a good upbringing u come in everyday to drop him off smiling and talking away, go to work and its the same ur always happy even after a day at work, u dont let anything bring u down, all that reflects on ur son!

how can a court favour a father that does nothing over a mother that does everything?

it winds me up sometimes at the thought of it, you can sit there fighting over this little person until your blue in the face and someone else decides your own childs fate when you know its wrong!

Ok. I am a father with residency, and the ex doesn't see DD at all - her choice due to actions. It's taken around 18 months to get the £10 per fortnight from her via CSA. During the court hearings, I was put through SS due to the ex's accusations and lies.

So I know how you're feeling - frustrated, stressed, extremely angry, under the spotlight from courts, CAFCASS and SS, and as if you're the one doing wrong when you're clearly not.

So when I say you need to get your head around the fact that the court will do all they can to let your ex have contact, I say it with your best interests.

The way I played it was to say that I would always support contact, so long as it was safe and in DD's best interests.

As it happened, it turned out that DD had seen DV between her mother and her BF, and her mother didn't understand why she had to go back to a contact centre once this came out, and so contact has stopped.

At the moment, the way you come across on here, it would be easy for your ex to paint you as someone who will stop him having contact for the least little reason, such as CM, which you don't need, and isn't relevant to contact.

You need to rise waaay above that. You need to parent your ex, as well as your DS.

The courts will see through him. You need to engage and play along with them, just like you have with SS. Fighting the court will not help you or DS at all.

If you have genuine concerns about his parenting skills, then speak to your solicitor. But be aware, what CAFCASS, SS and courts think is a problem is far worse than where decent parents would draw the line - there needs to be clear neglect or abuse.

What PCBC says, is very true.

Wether you like it or not, wether he pays CM or not, wether he is a good parent or not, wether he thinks about DS when he doesn't have him, or not.... Doesn't make any difference.

Your son still has the right to have a relationship with him.

Your son is lucky that you can provide for him. Many children have to go without (or more likely mums go without so that children don't) if NRP's do't pay maintenance .

Your son is lucky that he has a mum who is so clearly concerned with his welfare.

I try to aoid giving advice, but a going to anyway...

1.listen to your soliciter, they have been there many many times before and will act in your best interests.

1. Always make contact possible -I am not saying chase him to see his son, but don't obstruct it- your son will see that you have acted in his best interests even if his dad does not take the opportunity (though this may take a while, the teen years are a bitch)

1. Always behave civilly towards and about your exp when DS can see/hear it, and never bad mouth him to DS, rant at other people when DS is not there if you need to.

1. Rise above and ignore his insults and lead your son by example in how to behave. It will pay off in the end.

All the crap will settle down in time (I am going through this for the second time, and it does settle) if you behave well and parent your DS as well as you can, you will build a long lasting relationship with him from which you will both benefit, and will give your DS a positive role model of how adults behave. Be strong.

thanks guys!! i think i just needed a rant yesterday, i was just really pissed off with everything. how its one rule for a father and another for a mother. the way ive always saw it is if a father is in a childs life he should pay his fair share rather than leaving it soulsly to the mother!

my sister thinks the same as me, she was the one that suggested until u know he can provide dont hand him over, how do u know hes getting fed etc.

with my first solicitor they just say what u want to hear, ive told them about my sons dad eg involvement with drugs, a heavy drinker, got charged with drink / driving and he doesnt even have a lisence. he has texted me 2 mins before his mum was in my street and said "my mums outside waiting im not with her i have a nose bleed!" yes seriously a nose bleed. that night i got a text at 9 off him "am going out next saturday can i change visit to sunday?"
on the monday i spoke to a friend and she said why r u handing him over to his mum? his mum didnt take u to court he did! i phoned my lawyer and asked and she went next time it happens refuse, on the saturday his mum text "il be a tad late tomorrow" so i text saying if hes not there dont bother coming i was advised not to hand over my son. sorry. this turned in to an arguement from both her and him!
my lawyer phoned me on the monday saying why didnt u? because u told me not to!
my new lawyer is really good, listens and does fight with good reasons. but court will still grant the father everything ive learned to deal with it but theres taking the piss and theres taking the piss!

i cant always make contact possible like last weekend he showed on the wrong day, i still handed over my son and nearly lost my job! he was supposed to have my son on the day i was working!

i dont speak to his dad at all at handover i just say bye love u to my son and say hiya babes, i dnt ask anything if i do he will start an arguement he tried to last week cos i txt him before my son was coming back " i saw uve not put money in for him" when he was at the bottom of my street he started, whats with the snide digs and a went its not snide im just askig why? he tried to start an arguement and i went look, dont dare start ur crap in my street in front of my son, i have too much respect for him, now say goodbye, get in ur mums car and get the fuck away from my street. in the calmest manner possible with out raising my voice or looking angry.

i dont speak about his dad in my house, he brings negitivity in to a positive household! theres no need for me to mention his name. i dnt even bring him up in a convo unless friends ask how the weekend went with his dad, my son is normally out the room or at nursery when this is asked!

with the insults i know i should rise above it and laugh it off sometimes its hard to, i had to tell my boss what was going on because i was pissed off in work the other day. ive actually got to the point i dont want to see his face because id feel like fly kicking him! im tempted to just say to my lawyer i dont want him near my street get his mum to pick my son up

Ok -all your rants are entirely understandable, glad you can offload here if it stops you lamping your ex & getting arrested!

As the above posters have said you just have to rise above it so difficult I know, I have scars on my top lip I'm sure from biting it over the years!

1. If you don't have to ask for financial help then save yourself some hassle and don't chase for it (my personal experience only obviously only if you can manage it, one less thing to argue about & pay solicitors to chase) I know it is HIS son too but sometimes its not worth it.

2. Regardless of how unfair it seems to you, his father has a right to see him, and your DS his father. When he is older he will soon work out what a dickhead his Dad is.

3. If his mum comes to colect I think that you have to hand over, if he has delegated another adult as long as he has told you then fine.

4. The clothes thing-another big thing with me & my ex. Buy him some cheap & cheerful tracksuits/ jeans & tops for visits ask him to wash them but if he doesn't just grit your teeth & stick 'em in the wash for next time. That way if any get "lost" or left beind it's only the cheap stuff.

5. Make arrangements with your ex re pick-ups, confirm them the day before,keep all replies and make notes of when he is late/changes the days.

6. Keep a diary of the above, also all the times you suspect he is drunk/under the influence -how do you know he is, is it a regular occurence. Document it

All the above can be shown to your solicitor.

As the other posters have said, don't badmouth him to or in front of your DS, he will grow up respecting you and your way far more than his Dads and eventually will be able to choose where he spends his time.

You can claim the moral high ground & boy the view is better from up there I can tell you!

thanks luv!! im begining to learn to deal with it, its not fair but life isnt fair. ive just got to play the game - even though my sons life isnt a game.

to be honest with u the money isnt an issue as i said its the principle my sons entitled to it, even when he was providing for the 6 months (and the only 6 months of my sons life) that money didnt get spent it got put straight into my sons piggy bank until i opened a bank account for him, the money his dad provided to my son was basically classed as "emergency money" if i didnt have the money to buy my son something or if he really needed something - it would come straight out this money! other than that if i have the money id spend it on my son than myself.

in my legal notes i made it get put in place he has to be there so i know hes not under the influence - if he is, i cant prove it! i can refuse to hand over my son if i smell alcohol and again he can deny this, and theres no way of proving this.

the clothes i always grit my teeth i ended up saying this weekend because it annoyed me so much when he called me scum! my sons always had nice clothes designer and high street i bought him a few designer outfits for his bday and sent him in one to his dad for his bday weekend, i asked his dad to keep him clean as i was taking my son out to a party right after, the trousers came back ripped not at the knees at the crotch as if it got pulled! that when i decided only tracksuits! his dad even had a cheek to text me one weekend put somethig smart on him he has a party n a went no, hes wearing a tracky if ur taking him to a party u dress him and anyway he looks smart in a tracksuit!

i dnt get texts durning the week or after each visit the only text i get is at 12.00 im outside! i got it put in place in court one week saturday the next sunday at the same time - not exactly difficult to mix this up.

ive got a diary of everything like how my son is when he goes, even durning the week if he acts up by hitting or his routine.

Well I am of the opinion that if a biological father who dunps his partner when pregnant, then wants a relationship with his dc then he should cough up some cash and should be legally obliged to do so. Even the smallest amount. But then I am a bitch. He sounds like a twat op but unfortunately he should have the chance to build a relationship with his son. IF it is beneficial for your child. I do wonder if this looser is benefial to anyone though.

dumps sorry.

top tramp : id allow him to have a relationship with my son even if he cared about him, but as u said about it being beneficial i really dnt think he gives a fcuk about my son, sometimes i wonder if it was his mother tht put him up to this.... she works with his solictors so knows all the tricks in the book.
ive learned to deal with it but this idoit will make a mistake and will regret it!

he was supposed to have my little boy today for his 6 hours while i work, i was supposed to start work at half 12, last week he showed up on the wrong day which ment i had to phone my work and let them know i wasnt coming in.... anyway my work gave me some amount of hassel about it luckily my boss said it happens but its happened too many times and hes always letting you down maybe u should make other arrangements just incase.... and today me thinking his dad is taking him he textes me at 11... im not taking him, ive had food posioning all week - this is the 34th excuse ive had - put it this way hes had more "illnesses" than my sons had hot dinners! i dont believe one excuse hes told me EVER. im tempted to ask my solictor to request for a doctors note because ive had far too many excuses now. if i find out hes been drinkin n hes too hungover to take my son, hel have another thing coming!!

You really need to understand that it isn't up to you to allow or not allow your son to have a relationship with his father.

Yet again, I would respectfully suggest you learn to spell, punctuate, get yourself a crash course in grammar, lay off the exclamation marks, and get some decent legal advice.

i couldnt give a fuck about my grammar i came on here for advice not an english lesson!! all i care about is my son.

i have a decent lawyer who has looked in to everything from the past year and has saw my concerns over this and is going down the right routes, i have proved to my lawyer his dad doesnt care about my son and is going to get everything sorted in court next time!

It really isn't a matter of what you think you have or have not proved to your lawyer.

It is up to the court to decide and you may find that things do not go exactly as you would like.