Ex & Numerous women

[roseyposeysmum]

I would like some advice if possible regarding my ex.
We have not been together for over 2 years, we get on ok on occasions and then fall out quite often as he is not dad of the year and does not put my daughter first. Our dd is 4.
My main issue has been the rate at which he introduces my dd to his new girlfriends, I would say in the time we have been apart he has had at least 15 new girlfriends. I don?t care what he does with that side of his life, our relationship is well and truly over, however he introduces my dd to his new girlfriends after just a few dates or a week telling everybody this is the one, my dd starts to get to know these girls and a lot of the time there kids as well, and then a few weeks or occasionally month or so later they are gone and he moves onto another one. I should add he is desperate for the 2.4 family thing although he has no idea how to be part of a family.
I have held my tongue for now although the last one my dd said she did not like and got very upset when being dropped off with her dad, so I did say something, I got a torrent of abuse and told I was jealous and wanted him (I don?t) and to keep my nose out. I have tried to explain my issue is the time frame that he introduces dd to them and that could he not leave it a bit longer and find out if this girl is the one and then introduce dd.
I got told last week that he had a new girlfriend and dd would be meeting her this weekend, I managed to keep my mouth shut and not say anything but when I picked my dd up last night, she told me daddy has another new girlfriend and she doesn?t like going to his house anymore and can she stay with me forever.
I am getting fed up of watching my dd making friends and then loosing them in a matter of weeks, he thinks nothing of dd meeting a girl that day and then her staying that night at his house.
I know while she is on his time I cannot control what is happening but I am not happy seeing my daughter being affected by all of this. I have looked at posts on here about how long people normally leave it so know I am not unreasonable asking him to wait a while. When I introduced her to the 1 partner I had I waited 6 months and even though we are no longer together we are still brilliant friends and my dd still gets to see him. I have always said if I ever meet somebody again it would have to be very serious for them to meet my dd.
I have got no idea what to do about all of this but I am not willing to stand by and watch my dd meet god knows how many women.

Help

you cannot control what he does and who he introduces her to - all you can do is support her to get used to the idea that this is how it is with her dad.

Can you get him to go to mediation and agree a consistent time-scale for meeting people you both are having relationships with? Cestlavielife is morally incorrect (and legally, courts would not think he was being appropriate even though they could not impose restrictions on it), he is being completely unreasonable and unfair to your child so you are being sensible to be upset; how children see their parents' relationships affects the relationships they have in future and you wouldn't want her to end up being treated like this so she shouldn't be seeing it. I went to mediation with ex and we agreed approximately 6 months before meeting partners.

Gosh! His conduct is absolutely disgusting! How have you stood by and watched this happen all this time? Woman number two would have been enough to make me see . I think Wibbly is right but i would have refused to let my DD see her Father until i'd sought legal advice etc. It is all very psychologically and emotionally damaging. I understand you feel your choices are limited but they're really not so much. Good luck x

Mainly I think you have to focus on your DD, and leave his life to him. Expecting him to wait until it is "the one" sounds a bit ambitious, given his record, but could you try and ask him if he would wait a few weeks into a new relationship? That ought to cut down the numbers a bit.

But if he says no, then you kind of have to go with it as it is and try and talk to your DD about who the important people in her lives are - ie you and her dad. Encourage her to be friendly and easy going with the new people she meets through her dad, but not to expect any of them to be permanent fixtures. At 4 she probably hasn't got much notion of what a girlfriend is, and will judge on past experience that these women may not be around the next time she goes.

Can you address it more as an issue of how her dad relates to her when his new girlfriends are around? If they're round in the evening after she's gone to bed, or are joining up with her dad and their own DCs to go out for the day, then it may be fine really. But if her dad's ignoring her, or leaving her in their care when she hardly knows them, I'd be more concerned.

Can you make light of it and have a laugh together about her dad's crazy rate of new girlfriends and take bets on how long each one will last?

Thanks for all your comments.
I might try the mediation route and see if we can get something down that she does not meet partners until a certain time has passed. It is just getting him to agree to go, he can be very nasty when he puts his mind to it.
I have never been happy with the amount of time that he leaves it before he introduces them but he has always said there is nothing I can do about it, I have since found out he has more or less shipped dd out for the last 2 Tuesday nights when he is meant to have dd she has been sent to grandparents so that he can take his new gf away for the night. Even when he is single he is a rubbish dad but I know how important it is for him to be in her life. But now she really does voice that she doesn?t want to go to daddy?s and she wants to stay with me. I don?t want her to think it is normal for so many people to go through your life. Don?t get me wrong most of the women are really nice and they do have days out etc together which I know she enjoys but then a few weeks in it all stops and there is somebody new in the place of somebody she has just got to know. I do ask him to put her first but all I get is ? well I am happy and I have got a family now (normally after about 2 weeks in) and dd is part of that (she doesn?t get a choice)
Access will change in September when she starts school and she will be with me all through the school week and a day at her dads at the weekends. He has told me he can?t help out at half term as it means he will have to use all his holidays ? and he is entitled to a life. (But it is ok for me to give up my holidays to look after her and work 7 days a week to make sure we live comfortably) just a few examples of how wonderful he is.
He will go mad if I do go down the legal route but I can?t think of another way to get through to him that he is affecting his dd.

"He will go mad if I do go down the legal route"- so? ARe you scared of him? What's the worst thing he can do...show himself to be a twat in front of the legal professionals? I think he sounds like a bully, and you should call his bluff.

"He has told me he can?t help out at half term as it means he will have to use all his holidays" - for this reason alone you need to get a formal, legal agreement in place. If he cant have her over hols, he should contribute to childrens club costs, so you can continue to work.

I am not scared of him ? but he always threatens me with taking her from me if I do something he doesn?t like. And that is my worst fear. I know in my head that he can?t just take her from me she has been with me happily for two years so there is no need to change that. My dd and I are very close she is a total mummy?s girl and he knows she is my biggest weakness.
I think it might be time to stand up and stop taking his crap and stick up for my dd.

his madness is his problem. not yours.

family time and relationships should be kept separate until you are serious! my ex introduced me to his son after a week, i told him i felt awkward about meeting his son because i put myself in this little boys mothers shoes!! personally i wouldnt like it! we were only together 3 months - in those 3 months he kept trying to push his son on me and try to get me to play "happy families" i was only 20 at the time (this was long before my son was born) i ended up blurting out one day without even relising what i was saying, "i dont want to play mummy to a child thats not mine.... you should be doing these things with his mother not with me!!"

my son is 1 and a half ive had one partner we met when i was pregnant he wasnt phased by it and completely understood what i was goin through he was really understanding throughout everything! he eventually met my son when he was 6 months old when i was out shopping and we bumped into each other. at first it was awkward and he didnt want to lift my son infact he treated my son like one of his mates, high 5s and the way he spoke to him! he barely sees my son maybe 2/3 times a month, and he practically knows more about my son than his own dad does! if its just me and my partner together i refuse to talk about my son even though hewill be on my mind. but as a said relationships and family time should be kept apart!

i dont know if my sons dad has introduced my son to one of his many gfs - god help them! But if he did id be onthe same boat as u lose it and same something! i wont find out until a year or so when he is talking more and relise who is who! me and his dad dont talk so i dnt know what goes on at each visit!

if u are really peeved about it go to a solicitors and get a mediation! ur better off doing this, then u can say whats annoying u and what he should be doing and it will get put in place! in a court they wont put anything like girlfriends in place. where as mediation can do this! if he is threatening u with taking ur child away thats when you should be going to a solictor! u can go and seek legal advice without him even knowing unless u want something put down legally in place.

family time and relationships should be kept separate until you are serious! my ex introduced me to his son after a week, i told him i felt awkward about meeting his son because i put myself in this little boys mothers shoes!! personally i wouldnt like it! we were only together 3 months - in those 3 months he kept trying to push his son on me and try to get me to play "happy families" i was only 20 at the time (this was long before my son was born) i ended up blurting out one day without even relising what i was saying, "i dont want to play mummy to a child thats not mine.... you should be doing these things with his mother not with me!!"

my son is 1 and a half ive had one partner we met when i was pregnant he wasnt phased by it and completely understood what i was goin through he was really understanding throughout everything! he eventually met my son when he was 6 months old when i was out shopping and we bumped into each other. at first it was awkward and he didnt want to lift my son infact he treated my son like one of his mates, high 5s and the way he spoke to him! he barely sees my son maybe 2/3 times a month, and he practically knows more about my son than his own dad does! if its just me and my partner together i refuse to talk about my son even though hewill be on my mind. but as a said relationships and family time should be kept apart!

i dont know if my sons dad has introduced my son to one of his many gfs - god help them! But if he did id be onthe same boat as u lose it and same something! i wont find out until a year or so when he is talking more and relise who is who! me and his dad dont talk so i dnt know what goes on at each visit!

if u are really peeved about it go to a solicitors and get a mediation! ur better off doing this, then u can say whats annoying u and what he should be doing and it will get put in place! in a court they wont put anything like girlfriends in place. where as mediation can do this! if he is threatening u with taking ur child away thats when you should be going to a solictor! u can go and seek legal advice without him even knowing unless u want something put down legally in place.