How to bring up the subject - increase in maintenance.

[TheDetective]

My ExP left 3 years ago. He has always paid the same amount of maintenance, £120 a month for one child. He paid less or nil at the beginning as he was in and out of work. We agreed the £120 a month based on him working FT earning minimum wage. For 18 months he did a few different jobs temporary jobs, although was never out of work for more than a few weeks at a time. So generally he paid the £120 a month.

While he was in these temp jobs he would see DS 3 times a week, which helped an enormous amount with childcare so I could work.

18 months ago he got a permanent job, and since has been promoted to store manager. He now sees Ds one day a week, sometimes less than this. This is due to several reasons - 120 mile daily commute to work, work shifts not being compatible with him seeing his son on work days, and his girlfriend (of 3 years) not wanting to meet our son, so he is having to share his days off between 2 people.

So now he is still paying the same amount, and I feel terminally guilty at trying to once again raise the issue of increasing the maintenance. I earn significantly more than him, and I own my home. He lives with his parents, and has done since the split.

However DS is now 9, and the costs are rising, he needs adult sized shoes, he wants to do clubs and activities, everything is just costing MORE! And he eats like a flippin' horse!

I tried to raise the subject once before but he became abusive and nasty, and it really upset me. I feel that he should want to pay towards his son the minimum amount that is set down by the government. He just gets angry because I have the house - which was never in question, I bought it just before we split, solely in my name, and there was never any assets in the relationship as we were very very young when DS came along. I feel his argument is invalid, because he could never of afforded the mortgage, or obtained it in his own name as I did. And the (small) deposit came from my Dad. There is no equity in the house -so there is nothing to have ever given him.

What is the reasonable thing to do? Should I expect him to contribute more? Certainly when DS goes to high school, I will suddenly have a massive increase in costs, and he needn't think that he can shirk those... The question is, should I do it now, or wait til then? Please help me decide!

Ps. I have no idea what he earns now, but expect it to be in the region of £15000-20000 a year.

So he is paying based on what he should pay if he were earning minimum wage and having his son 3 times a week. He is now in a management position (not NMW) and sees him once a week.

It wouldn't matter if you were earning tens of thousands or you were on income support, it doesn't affect what HE should pay in child maintenance. He is a manager, if he chooses to live with his folks rather than get his own place that is his choice and again is not something you should feel guilty about or should have any bearing on what he pays.

I'd say just ask him and if he refuses go through CSA.

I think you should write to him, and explain what you've said in your post, and suggest that he pays 15% of his net income, as that's what the CSA would tell him to pay.

If he's only on, say, £17,500 pa, though, his net is only going to be about £1300 a month, so 15% will be £195. If he has your ds overnight for more than 52 nights per year, there'll be a pro rata deduction.

Ultimately, if he won't increase it, you'll have to go to the CSA.

CSA. By all means write and give him the opportunity to do the right thing, but I'd download the forms and get started. I dithered for years about asking my ex for maintenance, he never came through on any of his promises and the CSA were brilliant.

Agree with balia and boredandrestless

My ex used to pay a much smaller amount, less than CSA. I wrote to him suggesting a review. This upset him and I got a load of nonsense from him and his then partner about me earning more than him (they had no idea what I earned) and claiming that he didn't work evenings or weekends (he had previously claimed to be unable to see DS because of work). I gave him the opportunity to increase child support or for it to be done by CSA.

If you are happy to accept a smaller amount than the CSA would take then propose that or if he's not prepared to accept, let the CSA deal with it. I much prefer having it through CSA so I don't have to deal with ex.

I would approach this from the expenses that you have for your son, rather than the fixed amount. i.e email him with a breakdown of the costs - childcare, school uniform, school trips, school lunches etc. It would also be wise to explain the massive increase when your ds goes to secondary school - as a non fulltime parent your ex may not realise what costs are involved.

I guess you have just over £200 per month available to pay for your ds (dad's contribution and I assume you are getting CB) and I think it's fair to explain that your ds is costing you more than £330 per month i.e £200 (plus your contribution to your son) so you would ask that he shares the relevant proportion of his costs, if he is able too.

The CSA can actually be useful in these situations as it removes the need for a couple to discuss finances but it can cause issues if both parties don't agree. Your ex obviously feels that he has some financial grievance due to the house - maybe he feels that he contributed to the mortgage for a number of years or that he added value to the property - when a couple separate it's often the finances that cause issues. If you have a positive co parenting arrangement I would recommend mediation as a way forward, just an opportunity to share different views.

I would send him the link to the CSA calculator and cheerfully explain that you are going to contact the CSA in order to help both of you work out how to manage your son's costs. Let him know that he can use the calculator to prepare him for their decision.

As Smum says, it is a good idea to break down some of your son's costs. Don't include mortgage and electricity etc as you would ahve to pay for these for yourself anyway - but food, clothes, trips, outings etc for the past few months and averaged out will hammer home how ignorant he is help him understand the costs involved in raising a child.

I would also mention that you have made a record of how many nights yhe has your son with him and therefore the figure he should be using for the thresholds is 52.

Good luck. You are doing nothing wrong, don't feel guilty.