Birthday Parties

[FannyBazaar]

Just wondering what other folk do when it's DC's birthdays with regards to the ex. Do you organise something together? Do you invite the ex? Leave it up to the DC to decide?

1st birthday after separation was a 'family' tea which ex was invited to, 2nd one party, he was invited but he couldn't come as his mother was ill, 3rd one he wasn't in regular contact and wasn't in touch, 4th one, also not in regular contact, 5th one was invited as contact has become more regular and he's living closer.

Ex came to the latest party, made no effort to help with anything, butted in to tell me that he didn't think something I organised for the children was a good idea (I had already announced to them what we were doing) and left early. He asked DS what he wanted for his birthday, DS said he didn't mind and would like a surprise, ex pushed him to say what he wanted so DS told him, ex then bought something completely different! I had decided to hedge my bets on ex not coming up with the goods and bought DS roughly what he had asked ex for which fortunately worked out this time.

He is a pain in the arse and I'd rather not have him involved but DS was desperate for him to come so I didn't want to disappoint him. I could really do without an extra person at the party who is neither taking part nor helping out, who leaves me in a tricky situation with the presents and gives unsolicited advice. DS was disappointed he didn't stay for the end, needless to say ex didn't get a party bag!

I'm the nrp. I can't imagine not going to my dd's birthday party.

I pay half the costs, turn up in time to do all the setting up, collecting balloons etc , play with the children and clear up at the end. XP makes cakes, organizes the venue, sends invites out etc.

Present-wise I'd usually discuss with XP whether to do joint or seperate.

I have always organised them, made the cake and paid for them entirely myself. Ex has never offered to help with anything. I have generally invited him along, partly because the DCs liked him being there, and partly for an extra pair of hands. But more recently I've stopped doing that - they DCs are getting older and don't really care if he's there or not, and I'm getting fed up with seeing why I should pay for it and do all the work, and he just turns up and looks like a great dad to other people for doing nothing

If he'd been rude about what I'd organised, I think I'd have done this sooner!

If it matters to your DCs, you could always invite him round to give presents and say hello at some other point in the day. Do you have a friend or relative you could ask along to help out? Maybe even someone without their own kids?

Re the presents - can you just ask him directly what he is getting them? No need for it to be a surprise for you - and would avoid duplication or potential disapointment.

I had others to help out at parties as knew ex could not be relied on. I just wish he'd chose to either join in as a parent and help with organisation and hosting or bugger off and do his own thing! I guess I need to come up with some ideas for him for next year to keep him away without saying to DS that his Dad isn't welcome! Next time he asks about presents and DS says he doesn't mind, I will not encourage DS to come up with any ideas to help his father out or I will just tell him we'll email him then send him a vague idea like 'DS would like a book'!

Because of the way exp treated my eldest, I do not invite him to anything which involves him being in contact with DS. As exp lives next door, he wanted DD1 to go up to his for a couple of hours after school on her birthday- not sure how he expected her to fit in dinner, homework, party and 2 hours at his before bedtime on a school night, so DD1 took her party to him for an hour rather than send all of her friends home, or leave them behind. He didn't appreciate it all. When it was DD2's birthday the message came via the girls that she wasn't allowed to bring any friends round (it was his normal contact day) so we had a party at lunch time instead, luckily her birthday falls in half term.
So I guess if they are not allowed party guests at his house, the parties will always be at mine, and he will have to do his own thing, at least until DS is old enough to leave home.