He's having a baby

[thathasshockedme]

I am a regular poster on this site, but have changed my name so as to not be outed.

My ex is 54 years old. He has 4 grown up kids from his first marriage, 7 grandchildren and my DS aged 14 (I was 2nd marriage.

We were together for 12 years. He is 16 years older than me. We have been seperated for 10 years. He's been with his new partner for nearly 2 years. He didn't pay a penny in maintenance for 8 years and now only pays £20 per week. (He's self employed, so no chance of CSA helping out).

He doesn't see much of his older kids or grandkids at all, two of them he never sees. His older kids are bitter and resentful that he doesn't make time for them. Incidentally, they all get on OK with me and my DS and I make an effort to keep in touch with them all as they are my DS siblings. My ex's relationship with my DS is OK, but contact doesn't happen as often as I would like and he regularly misses contact for weeks on end, turns up late and doesn't bother to phone DS. DS is pretty accepting of the way things are and doesn't ever seem bothered about not seeing his Dad.

18 months ago, I moved in with my new partner, I have been, and still am struggling to come to terms with all the changes and he has four kids who live with us a third of the time. He has a very difficult ex wife and I feel my whole life revolves round what she and her / DP kids want. DS and I seem to have to fit around everyone else and I am often so very stressed with it all. I often go weeks without sleeping properly and then having to run a house and work 4 days per week and look after 5 kids is sooooo draining. DP and I are due to start Relate counselling next week because of all this. I feel he doesn't consider my needs at all. The only thing that matters to him is seeing his kids every minute of every day.

So, when my ex announced today that him and his partner are having a baby, I feel I have no reserves of emotional energy to deal with it. I got off the phone and cried and cried. I am really worried about how it will affect my son and I want to be available to help him rather than constantly having to deal with all the fall out that my DP ex wife causes. If all my emotional energy is going on my relationship because of him and his ex wife and kids, what is left for my DS?!

I just feel that I rarely have any problems or issues that I bring to the table in this house, and now I do have an issue to deal with, there is no-one really there to help me. I feel very alone despite having a partner and all these other people around me.

I also think there is a bit of me that is jealous as I would have liked another child, and always thought that if DS had a little brother or sister, it would be me who provided that for him.

try and get some individual counselling too

and see GP if you v stressed and not sleeping.

you 38 right? could still have a baby?

(tho if with current p is good idea i dont know...)

if you ahve current p's kids one third of time that leaves two thirds of time for you p and DS?
so what happens then?

you did take p and kids on as a package but doesnt mean you have to become the skivvy....

The other two thirds of the time, I am at work during the day. Just because DP kids aren't technically with us, doesn't mean they're not on the phone asking him for lifts, texting him asking him for money or favours or ex wife is sending nasty e-mails or texts that we have to deal with. It's constant. I can assure you that just because the kids aren't with us, it doesn't mean they're not always at the forefront of my mind.

As for having a baby, I can't cope with the set up as it is, throwing a baby into the mix is not going to make things better from what I can see.

Dp has had the snip anyway and doesn't want anymore kids.

I just told my DS and his reaction was sad because he said "i'll be too old to play with this brother or sister and I'm worried how they will actually be able to look after it".

His Dad is always telling him that he has no money, his Dad lays in bed until the afternoons at weekends and generally goes from crisis to crisis.

I seem to find men that like a crisis.......

Hello there,

Could have written most of your post myself

My ex is 50 next year and has just had a new baby - like you I'd assumed that if anyone was to provide further siblings, it would be me (I'm 12 years younger). I was really, really unhappy when he told me. Felt my DCs would be pushed out, that he wouldn't have time or money for them, and nowhere near enough room in his one bed flat. And, yes, jelous. Cried all over DP about it (who was sympathetic and reassuring that however things turned out, it would be OK one way or another - that helped a lot).

My DS (12) reacted much like yours - it will be too young to play with and where will it sleep? DD (8) was delighted, which ought to have made me happy, but really didn't as I couldn't share in her enthusiasm and felt guilty for not doing so. And left out.

So, now, it's a year on, the baby is here. It's not been as bad as it could have been. Ex is still paying the same (small) amount of money, and having the DCs the same amount of time. Both are quite fond of their new half brother. DS is hoping for some paid babysitting opportunities in a couple of years time :)

Biggest problem is that their dad hasn't got much time to do things with them, and endlessly says to them that he's no money for things, but early days yet I guess. And I did feel really hurt when DS said to me once, "dad says he can't remember much about when me or DD were babies" :(

But I'm not feeling so bothered by it anymore. The jelousy has definitely subsided (esp as ex looks knackered all the time, and his DW is about 2 stone heavier!). And I will gain a lot of freedom in a few years time as DCs become independent, that my ex will not get. And it is surely a good thing for DCs to experience a small baby/child.

But I think it is a huge thing to get used to, for you and your DS. So you do need to step back from other relationships and ask for a bit of support for yourself - from DP if possible, or someone else if not. Maybe worth talking to your ex too properly about what (if anything) he expects to change when the baby arrives - ie arrangements for seeing DS, etc. Let him know that it worries you. My mum didn't help at all when I told her about it (I guess she was angry on my behalf) and suggested all sorts of things would have to change (contact, money, housing, etc) - in fact my ex was quite reasonable and reassured me that most things wouldn't change. Apart from being a bit crap at doing stuff with the DCs (and to be fair the baby is only 2 months old), he's been OK so far...

Have a to cheer yourself up, and make some plans for all the fun stuff you can do with a 14 year old that you can't do with a baby :)

Don't begrudge your partner his kids just because your ex is a n a##e!! But let him deal with the emails, lifts etc & you enjoy time with your ds.

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling a bit better now the shock has died down. I honestly thought he was going to announce he was going to get married!

with regards to letting dp deal with his kids and ex. It's impossible for it not to affect me and ds, it affects our lives too directly.

However he's not even tried to talk to me about this issue, changing the subject because I suspect he's frightened I'll cry. However I get his Ex's e mails forwarded to me at work!

Purple roses, you know me from another board on here where I post under another name. I can't believe how similar our situations are.

I think it's understandable to feel sad - the emotions you have a a clue to the dissatisfaction you feel.

Perhaps the compromises you make with your current partner, no ability to have another child, his dc's and ex being demanding, limited support from your dp - is too much??

Where are the positives in this relationship for you? Don't feel because you have been with your dp for years then you need to continue..would you be happier on your own?

I can relate because my ex, (who has been nominated for crap-dad prizes by many), has recently had a baby with his new gf. My eldest, who understands most fully about why she doesn't even see her dad at the moment (his drinking, courts etc) feels sorry for the baby!
I was gob-smacked when I found out. I have been broody at times myself but I have 3 and kind of like it that way, especially now they're all at ft school!
I just think it must be reeaally hard to have the constant unavoidable reminder that your dp IS a dedicated Dad while your ex p is being a rubbish one. And you have to support that while at the same time you have to see what your son doesn't get.... HARD.

Yes, I'd spotted you ;)

Does seem slightly uncanny...

That's rotten though if your DP doesn't want to make time for you :( You deserve a listening ear, even if he does have other people to worry about too. You should be one of them. Would it help to ask directly for some time and support? - eg "I'm feeling really wobbly and crap about this, and really need a hug"

Oh God - have just tried to imagine what my DD's response would be if her Dad announced he was having another baby...and he has a new g/f so it is possible.

How awful for you. Men are just rubbish about avoiding emotional stuff. Breathe.
Make a plan.
Demand some emotional support.

Well I have spoken to dp and he has actually been ok at listening although he keeps on talking about his ex as a comparison which is slightly annoying. We talk about his ex every day, maybe sometimes a could just stop talking about her!

I have spent the evening with a friend who was really understanding so that has helped.

My exs first four kids are livid and being quite vocal about it on Facebook. I'm having nightmares about my soon going off the rails as he enters his teens because his dad has abandoned him. In my heart I know that ex is going to give up on ds now. He hasn't seen or heard from him since Christmas apart from one text. He's not going to get any better now is he?