Aggressive and bullying ex trying to take the moral high ground

[slinky01]

My ex has no face to face contact with our DD except 4 weeks in the summer when he takes her to his home in America. She is 10 years old and at the moment goes willingly but has expressed that she would prefer him to visit her in the UK as she gets older. He's made it clear it's America or nothing.

He refuses to discuss anything with me but makes arrangements to collect DD in telephone conversations with her which she then has to relay to me, sometimes things are therefore not clear.

I sent him an email to ask if he could confirm whether he was going to be taking her overseas this year and got the usual aggressive rant about how he's only trying to be a good father, he knows nothing about her life, how she's doing at school, her health etc. etc. He's right, he doesn't, but that's not my doing, it's because he refuses to spend time with her in her life. She couldn't care less whether he calls her or not. They have very short conversations but only because I sit in the background and prompt her with things to tell him.

His bullying attitude is draining the lifeblood from me. He has no respect for the fact that I work full time, do every school run, manage child-care and holidays, feed & clothe her (he pays the minimum amount of child support), take her to all her activities, am there for every illness, all homework - all without any close family, relying on the support of good friends. I also lost my father recently, a fact he has completely ignored.

I'm sick of it and don't know how to deal with him. Help!

Just to get a bit more information....
Did he move to America after you split or did you more back here? Do you think his moaning about not knowing anything about her life could be his way of asking for updates. I appreciate it is difficult living in 2 places so far apart. Lots of people struggle to talk on a phone. Do you have access to other methods... Email, skype, messenger, video clips that could be sent etc.

It very hard to gauge from the little you said if anything would help situation or if he just not willing to meet his childs needs. It could be he struggles with being so far away and therefore detached from his child and what a child of 10 needs and wants.

Email and explian that he has every right as her father to speak to the dchool and send in SAE for reports etc to be sent to his home - or to ask them to email copies of all her reports etc to his home. No need for him to go withut as long as he asks for it.

Also suggest that he email his dd and lets her know what he is doing on a weekly or monthly basis as this may encourage her to respond to him

Don't sit in the room when they have a telephone conversation - its not nice and she may feel inhibited - leave the room and close the door firmly - if she doesn't then talk then he will need to sort it - not you.

Give the suggestions and then back away and leave them to it.

I should have said he left to live in America when she was 6. He takes me to court at every opportunity (concerned for her welfare, her hobbies - horse-riding, parental responsibility). The judge never fails to throw out the application but regular as clockwork, I get another request to attend court about something new. His solicitor told me she's banging her head against a brick wall but he won't take her advice.

I have to force dd to take the phone calls from him. I follow her around the room making her speak into the phone. I set up skype and she sent him two invitations. He hasn't responded as says its going to cost him money which is rubbish. DD is frightened of saying anything to him so they have these completely vanilla conversations where he talks about himself and she gives him the occassional "uh uh".

He turns up at her School in the summer, making a show of himself. She's mortified and wants me to tell him to stop. I daren't for fear of the verbal reprisals.

Basically dd isn't bothered about contact as he regularly demonstrates he isn't interested in her life. Last year, she asked him if she could go riding on her holiday (her passion). He said she could, if she paid for it herself.

Every single time I ask him a question, it results in an aggressive tirade of his apparent superiority.

I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, but can anything be done with the court/solicitor if he's a vexatious litigator? Have a word with your solicitor and see if there's a way that can be found to stop him taking you to court so many times.

As I see it, your DD has the right to see him, not the other way around. She's now getting to the age where she can make her own decisions.

If you're on the receiving end of aggressive tirades, just tell him to pipe down. You're not interested in his rants. If you repost your thread in Relationships, there are some very knowledgeable people who will be able to help you put perameters in place to help you deal with his behaviour.

Apologies if my post made it appear that I don't think there are knowledgeable people on this board too.... It wasn't my intention.... Just that Relationships gets a bit more traffic....

Thanks for the advice.