I REALLY mean it when say my children are giving me a nervous breakdown

[NFTA]

Potted history for you....dd14, ds 5. I'm widowed , nearly 2 years. Been through a shit time during dh's life - alcoholic with depression and manic episodes, died suddenly and unexpectedly after falling at home. All very traumatic and horrific for us all. Moved to be near family, settled in nicely. Children generally happy and we are a good family within extended family who all live nearby. But dd and ds both 'suffer from(?) screaming, almost hysterical outbursts over minor incidents. e.g. I woke dd at normal time today but she had sore throat so I allowed day off school. This caused her to fly into a frenzy of panic about going/not going. included screaming, crying, banging doors, trying to stay in house, trying to barge past me to get out of house. She lost the plot totally. Absolutely horrendous. I lost patience and it was an ugly way to start out morning. This kind of situation occurs about once every 10 days or so I would say. Other than that she is a typical teen, annoying, selfish but a gorgeous daughter who is loving and consideration. There is a lot of love between us. DS has always been quite highly strung and this is in part his disposition but exacerbated, i would think, but his early years living in a difficult and sometimes toxic atmosphere. Our family life is generally calm and there are no real stresses. I'm a SAHM so not run ragged with jobs and housework etc. BUT....he flies off the handle at the tiniest thing. e/g. I didn;t take him a snakc after school so offered him his choice of goodies from the treat tin at home (4 mins drive from school ). This sent him into complete meltdown. He has outbursts every day about any manner of things. It makes me totally and utterly miserable. It is draining. It is certainly not usual behaviour. Tantrums and meltdowns yes but these are extraordinary displays of .....I don;t even know what. I do not know what to do any more. I've tried reward charts (for youngest), I've withdrawn treats/days out. (THis is over a period of years not jsut in a short time so I have been consistent. In fact I am still using star chart and the space for Staying Calm has only two stars after 5 weeks. I am not enjoying my children at all and I need some advice. Sorry it's long. I didn;t realise I had so much to say

Hi NFTA,
I so understand where you are, my eldest (DS 15, dd 6) behaved very much like this after the breakdown of my abusive relationship last year. I ended up going to the health visitor, and as a result have both DC's seeing a children's worker, who is brill, and have support put in place for myself too. We still have bad moments, but generally things are on the up. It might be worth speaking to your Health Visitor, or school nurse or even GP(?) to see what help is available for you and your DC's. I know if I hadn't had help I would be looking at a breakdown by now.
You don't need to deal with this on your own, there are people who will help you, you might just have to find them.

i am going to ring for appt tomorrow then froggies. I actually cannot take much more

Definitely ask for support see gp maybe via CAMHS or other local service

Have dc had a chance to talk over what happened, even get bereavement counselling etc ?
Maybe thru play therapy for youngest or art therapy ?
Ask gp in first instance but also call eg win stones wish etc www.winstonswish.org.uk/ Even though it been two years maybe you all need support now ?

Does their behaviour remind you of h 's behaviour ? Could dd be acting it out on some level ? My dd would demonstrate behaviour copied from ex ....

Good, well done you, I really hope you get some help quickly. Feel free to pm me if you want, (no idea how to check messages on here, but sure I can figure it out).
Good luck x

thankn you all - yes, i defo think I need some help. It is really bringing me down. It really is - I almost dread ds's response when I pick him up from school. It feels like I am always on standby to avert a crisis. Th thing is, when he is fine, he is so gorgeous and funny. As for dd - she wrote me a long letter apologising and we have chatted about it this evening. I think she realises wht she is doing but cannot help herselft. But she is trying to.

NFTA: I've been widowed for 4 years and have a 14yo DS and a 4 yo DD. We have the same thing. My son is just being an absolute arse at the moment. Can be nice one minute, absolutely nasty the next. Let me know how you go with CAHMS. Also, CRUSE may be of some use to you. They should have counsellors who specialise with child bereavement. We've had counselling with them for myself and DS, and our counsellor was absolutely lovely.

Hope this helps. But God, it's tough!