Need advice, going mad.

[SpiritualKnot]

Ex left me 2 years ago for woman half my age after 20 years of marriage. We've been divorced 14 months. he's marrying her in a few months time. My 12 year old daughter is going to be a bridesmaid at their wedding.

I'm ok with all this. However, my dd is getting very close to this woman's family, she has 2 sisters, parents, a young son and nieces.

Meanwhile I have a family about 200 miles away, with my parents and brothers, sisters and nieces and nephews. I want to move back there as my ex has moved on, my job is terrible here, I've been signed off with stress, my parents are in their 80's and I worry about them constantly. Only one of my brothers lives near my parents and his wife is ill. The rest of my family visit often. I can't visit often due to work, dd and travel problems. My dd loves my family,but last time we saw them was June last year.

I feel my dd is spending time with this girl's family when she could be spending time with my own. My life here is awful. As soon as ex left 2 years ago I wanted to go home but have held off coz of dd and her school and contact with her father. But I feel as if I can't go on. I cry most days, my GP and family think I need to go back home. I would want to time things re move so dd can be in new school in September.

I discussed this a bit with my daughter last night and she was crying, as she wants to stay near her dad.I feel as if I've failed at my marriage, failed at my job and if I leave here I'll be failing with my dd. But if I don't leave I'll be failing my parents and will go insane. I would hate it if my dd decided she'd rather stay here with this woman's close knit family when she could be with my close knit family.My dd says she wants to be with me, also, ex and his fiance work shifts so not ideal for her to be with them.

My dd has suggested I stay here a few more years and then we go back to my home town. I feel as if I'm waiting for one of my parents to die so that then I will have to move back there. But I'd rather spend time with them whilst they're both still alive.

Please don't say I'm being selfish, I'm in absolute despair.

I don't think you're being selfish.

You know when they give you the safety instructions on a plane, when they tell you if anything happens put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your children's? The same goes for your health as a parent - and especially as a single parent. You have to look after yourself as well as your daughter. You will be no good to her if you are an emotional mess.

Thanks for that Corlan. I'm visiting my parents next week so will see how things go.

x

I think you need to put yourself first. Your dd is 12, and while it will seem like the end of the world for her to leave her friends and her school, it won't actually be.

Dd says she doesn't mind leaving her school and friends as she has some friends up at my parents. She says it's not seeing her dad that upsets her.

It's awful as when we were still married, my ex and I had discussed how I would need to move back home at some point because of my parents and now I feel I can't.

Your dd will adjust and your mental health is of upmost importance.

Oh, you poor thing. What a dilemma. Yet corlan, perfume and toptramp are right, you'll be no good to your dd in this state. So I think you have to do what will be right for you and your dd in the long run. Which is probably to move. At least she has said she doesn't particularly mind moving schools; that's a big plus!
Good luck.

How often would dd be able to see dad versus now ? Is it 50 /50 ?
It isn't her fault she has not seen your family so much in recent times is it ?
I understand it hurts she likes dad's fiancé but you can't hold it against her...It isn't fair on dd. if she likes her stepmother to be surely that is a good thing for her ? (and therefore for you )

How would she travel? how would contact with dad work?
You need to think about practicalities as she clearly is close to dad.

What if she stayed with dad now while you spend some time with your family looking into practicalities and coming back to be with dd on weekends ? That would give you some insight into what travelling to and from dad would be like for dd too.

It is not impossible I have a friend whose stepdaughter travels 200 miles every other weekend but also the parent has an office where the other parent lives so can also spend time near and see her in the intervening weeks.

You do have to look after your own mental health deal with aged parents etc and look at how it would work for dd who is older and has views....

Have you been referred to counselling via your gp to talk thru everything and review the options ? or at least think practicalities with a third party ?

Sounds like you need abreak right now though and if dad can care for dd during week take her to school etc then maybe go suss out accommodation and spend mon to fri with your parents ? While you off with stress ?

Also making big decisions when you not really well may not be advisable ? Given the potential impact on dd.

Do talk to someone else eg counsellor so you not burdening dd?

Does your dd feel she needs to be with you because you have no one else and she needs to care for you?

Is dd aware of how you feel about her relationship with stepmother to be ?

How is the travel to and from your parents is it easy train door to door or more complex? can you do it in a weekend? Do you drive a car?

Sorry to ask questions but maybe it isn't clear cut that dd should move with you though I can see your dilemma hence me saying talk with someone objective address the stress and concerns with a counsellor etc and make a decision fully thought out .
Not made in throes of stress . And addressing the "jealousy" which while understandable is not healthy

In a similar position to you, I stayed. Ten years on, I am utterly exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. And my DCs won't find it any easier now if I move.

To be honest, perhaps I should have done it ten years ago.

Thank you for the supportive messages, Line Runner I feel for you.
Just want to explain to C'estlavie that I'm 50 now and will find it very difficult to find a job in my home town if I wait till I'm 55. Ex works shifts so his hours are all over the place. Dd is at his tonight (Wednesday night).

I've lived here in my ex's home town for the last 18 years. A small minded town with poor schools. I'm from a large, modern town with some of the best secondary schools in the country. The whole marriage, affair, divorce and present day has suited him. My parents need me, they want me to move back there, they've never wanted anything from me the whole of my life but now they need me there.

I haven't got the energy to travel a round trip each weekend, my work flakes me out, the stress has finally overwelmed me but I have to go back. My ex only has dd over one night a week, usually midweek, he would never take extra time off to accommodate my needs. I've coped for 2 years and I know I am incredibly selfish for putting my needs above my dd's, but I can't do this anymore.

The woman he is with now made a habit of going out with married men. She's got mine now, but she's not having my dd as well. Ofcourse I'm jealous, I've got the same set up with supportive family miles away and she's getting that now but not from me, her mother, but from some tart who'll probably dump my ex in a few years time anyway. It wouldn't be a good atmosphere for her if she lived with them, they both work the same shifts and like their alcohol.

Don't know why I'm so angry, not coping very well.

I think that's a really tough one - you do need to look after yourself. But on the other hand, uprooting a 12 year old and taking her 200 miles from her dad is a big deal.

Is it possible she would resist it, and supported by her dad would suggest that she stays with him? You could end up with a really fraught situation if you end up fighting over who she stays with.

Tough on you being 200 miles from family but can't help thinking that at 12 she deserves to be near to her dad just as much as you do, and possibly more.

Could you do more to help yourself build up the support you need where you are now? Contact Gingerbread, join new social groups, etc - esp if you get some time to yourself when she's with her dad. Could your family come and stay a bit more often? If you/they can't manage the travel more than once or twice a year, how are you thinking DD will cope with it in terms of seeing her dad?

Would have thought that moving now would be better than in a few years though, if you do envisage DD moving with you - unless you wait til she's left home, she's going to be settled into GCSEs, etc in another couple of years.

Or is there any possibility that if you moved, her dad would move too to be nearer you?

It's not easy watching your ex move on with his live, and can't be easy with DD being excited about something you feel no enthusiasm for. But that's not a good reason for thinking of taking her away.

Morning, calmer now.
If their marriage turns out to be short-lived, wonder what effect that would have on my dd if she's made strong links with my ex's new wife and her family? I wish my ex no ill at all by the way.

Can't type much, keyboard playing up.

x

Well, the woman my ExH left us for lasted two years, after attachments had been required to be formed between my DCs and her and her own DCs. Then there was another woman with DCs. Then another... I think we're on number 5 now.

I wouldn't say it's damaged my DCs so much as disappointed them; and they won't get as close to the current woman as she would like, and she clearly finds it difficult to understand their antipathy.

And they know they have me, 100%.

The trouble is, not being able to see into the future.

ok it seems clearer now that moving wil offer dd better opportunities - "large, modern town ..." surely more attractive to a teen if she keen on shops etc?

as well as enabling you to give (and get) support from your family...

so long as you can sell to your dd (and ex) a reduction to probably fortnightly weekend visits?

i think tho you may still need some ongoing support eg counselling as well as the grass is not always greener. i found going to a seprated and divorced group really helpful - try something like www.drw.org.uk see if they run in your current location or home town...

Hi cestlavie. Just looked at that site, very interesting. Not one locally but would be possible for me to attend a weekend one and stay with friends.

Spoke with ex earlier, may have reached a compromise, he says he will be able to have my dd when I go home for visits, will see how it goes. At 16 move there for dd's A levels or college. She may decide to stay here but has always said she wants to end up living there as she loves it, so I think she'll come with me.

Dd is going to other other grandma's next week (that was already the plan) and I'll go home. I'm going to try and drive there, which I haven't done before but will set off at 4am to avoid traffic.

Ah well, just the stress thing to sort out now.

Thanks again to all.
x

4 am on little sleep?

saturday morning early eg 0900 is good time to set off
in week - hmm maybe after rush hour?