Feeling really really pissed off with the ex just now

[froggies]

I have 2 DD's (6&3) who see him regularly, and DS (15) who doesn't see him at all. Over the last year since we split dd1 has on numerous occasions told lies about DS to exp, I suspect in order to gain attention, but it has had serious repercussions.
Recently I have had issues with money and belongings being moved around and taken, I am trying to encourage all of them to be honest, and respectful of each others belongings, I have also asked the ex to do this when the girls are with him. I am hoping that this is now sorted (fingers crossed).
However over the last few weeks the girls have come home telling me things about their time with dad (whic is nice), and then adding that they are not supposed to tell me. Dd1 actually told her wee sister off or telling me something that dad had told her not to tell me.
Tonight dd1 told me that she had told dad about the money going missing - fair enough, I don't expect her to keep secrets from him. But then she added that dad says she has to tell him everything that happens, because he said she has to.
I am feeling really really pissed off that he is asking them to keep secrets from me, but insisting they tell him everything that happens when they are here. I don't mind what they tell him, what I don't want him to know, I don't tell the children, and I don't comment on what happens at his house, wether I agree with it or not, how he parents during his time with them is down to him, so why on earth is he doing this? Surly it is not good for the girls?
There really is no point in talking to the ex, he never listened to me when we were together, but any advise on how to minimise the effect on the girls will be most welcome!

I think you need to have a few short and gentle chats to let your DDs know that adult/child "secrets" are not ok. They open the child up to possible abuse in the future and to manipulation etc (lots of egs on the web if you are interested) no adult should expect to have secrets with a child (except good birthday pressie kind of secrets that will be revealed at the right time). Nor should any parent expect their child to keep stuff secret for them.

Although your girls are very young it is never too soon to start to educate them about this and especially if their DF is not aware...

link here

And I'd be pissed off too by the way!

Thanks :-)
The bit I am struggling with is trying to explain to her that she doesn't have to tell him everything about DS. To explain, we were together for 12 years, there were issues of verbal and emotional abuse (and poss physical) from exp to DS. He had always been quite strict, but as DS got older it got worse and eventually couldn't be called anything other than abuse. When he left he turned DS away from his door on the first contact visit while inviting DD's in. I am relieved that he doesn't see him, though I wish DS had had the opportunity to make that decision himself rather than experience the rejection he had.
Ex was also controlling in his behaviour towards me, very subtely for the most part, I am generally pretty easy going, but whenever i dug my heels in about anything he reacted like a tantrumng toddler, angry and nasty and insulting, or he would send me to Coventry for days towards the end.
Now I hear that DD's have been told to tell exp about everything that happens at home. I don't feel comfortable with her telling exp everything that DS does, unless she chooses to - wether that is for good or bad reasons, they are siblings and they do fight, so it isn't always going to be happy days, but he dropped DS like a stone, he doesn't need to know when he has done something wrong, unless it concerns DD's welfare in someway.
But I feel if I limit the information dd has to pass on to exp about me or DS it will end up restricting the relationships we have within our family, and I feel that that is wrong.
It is so difficult to get across to a 6yr old that it is fine to tell daddy things, but that me and DS are entitled to privacy, and she doesn't HAVE to tell him everything. I don't want her to keep secrets, but I have a horrible feeling that he would happily bad mouth DS to DD's which will damage their relationship, and telling him everything will give him plenty of ammunition (DS is lovely, but an angry teenage boy who has had a lot to deal with, so not always so lovely!)
Life is tricky sometimes.

ds is an angry teenage boy... oo I wonder what might have contributed to that then {sarcastic emotion} oh yeh... I think you may have aleady told us.

it is a tough one. keeping secrets is not good. they need to know that, but how to balance with privacy?

I suppose you have to say wht sort of things should not be kept secret, ie is someone hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable. do they do things they do not want everyone to know about? would they like everyone to know that they have tantrums for example?

good luck on sorting it all out.

Honestly I would be asking for some sort of counselling/therapy/support for your dc. Do you not think he will continue to control the dds and inflict the same emotional damage on them - which he is already doing tbh?

Thanks blackeyedsusan, every time I think I have things moving forward and towards an even keel, he sticks another spanner in the works (or so it feels to me).
Randommess,sShortly after we split, I became worried about the amount of anger DS was directing towards dd1, so spoke to HV about where to get help, she has been wonderful. He did start councelling, but after a couple of sessions refused to go back. He does see a children's worker who is wonderful, and really his anger management and general attitude has improved massively compared to say 9 months ago, but there is still a long way to go. He has also been refered to primary mental health services, which he agreed to initially, but is now denying, and wants to cancel. You can take a horse to water.... He also started a youth support group, but stopped going after a couple of sessions. At the moment in his opinion, he is fine, and is sorting things out himself. Thank god for the children's worker is all I can say. He trusts her, and she is good.
Dd1 has recently started seeing her too.
I absolutly believe that ex will not alter his parenting methods. He did very little of the day to day stuff when we are together and still managed to do so much damage. Now he has DD's 1 night in the week and 1 night and a whole day every weekend. I suspect that as the girls get older, more opinionated, less inclined to be satisfied with gifts, treats and tv, they will see some of the angry nasty side as well as the controlling manipulative stuff. The scary thing is he doesn't realise that he is controlling, or angry, or manipulative, just says that everyone else is wrong, and kids should do as they are told!
On the plus side, he is very much on the radar of HV, and has been visited by police already (not at my instigation, but as an end result of one of his long range blows to DS last year), and a report has been filed by the child protection devision (or whatever they call themselves now) with the procurator fiscal, probably nothing will come of that, but should should something happen with DD's in the future it will still be there.
On this occasion (ducks in case I get flamed) I think it would be better for the kids if he didn't want to see them.

It should have been all 3 or none when it came to seeing dad, from the off.

Although he took the dad role when we got together and DS was only 2, he is not his actual Dad. I would not force DS to see him, it is better for him not too if you ask me, and at the same time I could not stop him from seeing his DD's as he wants to, and to be honest at this moment it would hurt dd's more than it will help, though longterm i think it would be for the best!
On top of that he lives next door to me (we own 2 houses next to each other). Attempting to stop contact would be extremely difficult and cause even more problems than it would solve. The houses are rural, next nearest neighbours are outwith hearing distance. Antagonising him is not a good plan.
At the moment, financially I am stuck in this position, but am working slowly towards changing it, in the meantime I try to limit the amount of damage he is doing to DD's, once we move I am hoping he will slowly loose interest, which I know will be hard for DD's and is a horrible thing to hope for :-(