Is 50:50 really that unusual?

[NotaDisneyMum]

Or not? My DD is 50:50 between exH and myself -1 week with each, swapping through school.
DD has two 'homes' - all be it, I claim CB, and now tax credits (although ExH was getting those until the household incomes changed).

I've read about how it 'rarely works in practice' but so far, DDs been fine (it's been like this for 2 1/2 years) - it's been a nightmare for me, as exH is not easy to comparent with but so far, it's worked.

DD goes to secondary school this year - and I suspect it won't be as easy for her as it has been up to now.
Are there any successful 50:50 care arrangements involving teens?

I have seen a couple of those arrangements working fine, until the children reached teenage. Then it became a problem as the children preferred to have a "base" rather than 2. The "base" was normally the house nearer to their friends or activities.

My stepson are 17 and 15 and we have a 50:50 arrangement . Works fine and kids are happy . Only real issue is lack of consistency of chores and expectations across households , but nothing that difficult .

We do this with one DC it works fine.

Notadisney, I think it would help to start a new thread where you ask people who grew up in a 50/50 arrangement how did they find it.

I have noticed that any arrangement has its pros and cons, but normally we parents tend to have a more rosy image on how the arrangements are working than the children do.

There was a thread here years ago where adults commented on residence arrangements they grew in. It was quite enlightening. What I found more interesting is that most people said they absolutely loved their parents and wouldn't have changed the status quo to avoid hurting either parent, but talked candidly about advantages and disadvantages they saw in their own arrangements.

It's good to hear that there are some successful 50:50 arrangements

I understand what you meanpiglet, but I am sure that there are pro's and con's to any arrangement from a childs perspective. If I started the thread you suggest, I doubt there'll be a consensus amongst adults as to what was the "best" way for them as children I can only trust my own instincts and be guided by the professionals we have involved in DD's life - she sees a youth councillor, and the school are very proactive/supportive.

But, I do fear that you are right that as DD gets older, she will want a single "base" near her friends and activities. I suspect that her Dad believes this as well - hence his decision to move house in order to be within walking distance of the school that she is likely to go to next year.

I think I may well become a "weekend mum" for a few years

I would think as they get older, they should get more say in the timing and duration of stays

younger - to an extent I agree, although because we have a "shared care" arrangement at the moment, any change would mean one or other household would become DD's primary residence - and that would lead to changes to the legal/financial arrangements, which would in turn lead to changes in employment/housing - none of which are appropriate for a teen to be involved in, imo.

younger - DD doesn't "stay" with either parent - she lives with both of us, alternate weeks

It could work practically for me and DD if ex was willing. Distance wise he's 5 mins away by car or 20 mins by bus. Secondary school is 5 yrs away but his home is in catchment for school I want for DD, DD could easily alternate between homes both now and in future. But the main obstacle is ex and his apathy towards co-parenting. I'd love the chance to try a more even split, and ex have more involvement in day to day care but it won't happen because he's not interested. Too much hard work to him. And expense.

We don't do 50:50 as such as ExH works shifts so it would be too disruptive for the kids. But in essence they do, they are very fair about it themselves saying if they think it's "unfair" that one or other of us is seeing them more.

However now they are older I am trying to get Exh to see there should be more fluidity in the arrangements and he is trying to be flexible but he is quite controlling so likes/needs to know what is happening when & can get cross if it's "his" w/e.

He is gradually relaxing about it all & will take time off if one or other is sick or needing picking up which he didn't at first so we're slowly moving towards a more civilised co-operation.

We do a diary catch up every 3 months to arrange sleepovers/trips/access visits and the DD's (nearly15 & just 17) are party to that with their own diaries and the family calendar.

If we have family stuff that comes up, birthdays etc we swap w/e's or days or just move prior arrangements. It's working so far, and the girls seem happy that we're being more relaxed about it all.

I've known several families doingn 50-50 and it's worked fine. All primary aged kids though.

I don't have 50-50 but my ex does have the DCs one night in the week and sometimes after school at other times when I have to work late - they do see his as their other home.

It has been harder since DS has started secondary school as he's now making his own way every day and the school is nearer to my house but further from his dad's. He forgets which house he's going to sometimes, or goes back to mine because it's raining and rings me (or his dad) saying does he really have to go back out in the rain to get to dad's? :(

He's also said he does not want to go to his dad's just for a couple of hours after school - because he's able to look after himself until I get home from work (which he does a couple of other days of the week). So the system we had in place which evolved around sharing childcare whilst both of us worked is changing really as he no longer needs care in the same way.

School uniform has also been a problem - we used to just have clothes at each house which cycled around, but if he goes to his dad's in uniform and comes back to mine without it all goes wrong.

The other issue that's emerged more recently is that he wants to be at mine not his dad's because he has a computer and a Wii at mine. So if you're going to do 50-50 you either have to both supply them these sorts of things, or face the complaints about not having access to the things they have when they're in the wrong house.

I think it could work to have them moving between two houses in the week, but you'd need a routine that fits in with their lives, and probably a flexible approach to retrieving possessions that end up in the wrong place. My DS would also find it slightly easier if he'd remember to leave his mobile charged up - at least then his friends would be able to get in touch with him at either house.

I know two households where it happened. One where it worked well and one where it didn't. So 50/50 in my experience. I agree with the poster who said that parents are more likely to think an arrangement works than the children do.

We did 50:50 but with primary aged children. Half a week each and it worked fairly smoothly with no great trauma, except as much as it is very traumatic for any family break up. In some countries it is much more standard, although it seems to mean different tings for different families. In our case it is easier perhaps to assess that it was OK as after two years we got back together again and I've talked to the children a bit about how they felt. I do think it can be very constraining, and that it needs good communication between the partners.

There certainly isn't "good communication" between us - we are totally opposite when it comes to parenting and life in general, really!

I'm sure that even if DD isn't happy with 50:50, she will "go along" with it for our sake (and that of "fairness"), but how can I find out if she would prefer things to change?

I don't think it is my place to ask her - even if her Dad and I told her that we didn't mind what she said, she would know that in her Dads case, that isn't true; he is fixated on ensuring that he has "his" share of time with her and makes that clear.

If things change from 50:50, it will undoubtedly result in DD living with her Dad; even if that isn't what she really wants - because the fallout for her and me of her spending less time with him would be worse than the current arrangement

Is there another relation or friend she trusts who can be neutral (though you would have to prep them for the conversation) that she can talk to a bit about the current situation and any changes?
Secondary school is a big step in growing up and gaining independence so perhaps now is a chance for her to begin to have a say?
In a year or so she will be more interested in being with her friends and home will become more like a hotel, wherever it is.