I thought you might be able to answer my question more easily. I posted in legal under 'Cafcass' and they were helpful with the legal side but no one answered my other question. I'm too stupid to be able to work out how to link but I will try after this post!
To cut a long story short, I have a very dear friend who has 2 boys age 9 and 10 with his ex and it is sadly going to court to sort out contact.
He has been very reluctant to discuss the issue with the boys for several reasons most important of which, he feels that it would put them in the impossible situation of having to chose between him and their mother and doesn't want them to be stuck in the middle of what is a rather acrimonious relationship.
To give a little more background, he feels the boys are aware of the conflict already. She has regularly shouted at him and indulged in name-calling in front of them and at times has even drawn them in to this, for example saying that one of them was 'being stupid, just like your father'. She listens to very little of any parenting concerns he has and the final straw a few years ago was when the youngest came to him saying he was afraid of going to a friend's party as the other children were mean to him. They discussed it and he said his DS should tell his mother he was worried as he was sure she would not want him to be bullied and maybe they could think of an excuse not to go and to try to sort out the bullying. He later got a very unpleasant e-mail where she accused him of undermining her authority and threatened to cut contact again if it continued and worse it sounded like their son had also got in trouble from her for not doing as she said. This sort of thing has ended up with him and the boys having a close and supportive relationship in many ways but serious issues are not always talked about. I suppose this may be the case with many father son relationships though.
The strangest thing is she has actually written to him saying that the boys would like to see him more but that she considers their routine more important. This was very early on in the recent debate over increased contact (to everyone weekend and one overnight stay a week) and before she really realised quite how serious he was about it.
He is now worried that CAFCASS will see them and a) put them in the middle of the conflict or b) that she will try to change their minds to something more in keeping with her thoughts.
It sounds from my legal thread that he has a fair chance that cafcass wont be involved in seeing the boys but I still wonder if he should try to talk to the boys about it. My children are much younger so I find it hard to know what to say with older ones. My question is - what have others done in similar situations and how would he go about bringing it up now without getting 'trying to please mum or dad' answers and without getting him and them into trouble with the ex!
Apologies, I have not kept a long story short.