Single & thinking of becoming a mum

[alltalknobaby]

I am single, 32 (almost 33) and thinking of becoming a mum. I've been single all my life, except for one or two flings, and have over the years reconciled myself to never finding a relationship (another story). I decided 6 years ago that I would one day go down the route of going it alone (with the help of a clinic), and my biological clock has been getting increasingly louder over the past 2 or 3 years. Now feels like the right time to start getting serious about this, but needless to say, I am TERRIFIED.

The notion of NOT doing this and remaining childless forever is not an option I am willing to consider; and I realise I am still relatively young but I want to potentially have two children (same donor) and I want to be young enough to keep up with my child/ren. I have a niece and two god-children and am confident that I will be a great mum, and in this day and age I don't really see why just because I can't find a boyfriend, I shouldn't take control and do what I can to become a parent. My parents live abroad but I have supportive siblings and plenty of new-mum friends to lend a hand, but I am quite realistic about the horrors that I'm potentially letting myself in for...

There are plenty of threads on here about how hard it is to be a single parent, which I am making my way through but in the meantime, I wondered if anyone else has done this or knows someone who has done it? Any words of advice, encouragement, warning (be gentle) etc would be much appreciated. Thanks x

Do you have a good well paid job and can afford lots of help eg cleaner etc?

I get by but I wouldn't say I could afford lots of help. Child care costs are going to be a worry but isnt that the case for almost everyone?

I didn't choose it but ended up as single mum when youngest was 3 months, and I wouldn't say it's been a bad way to spend the last 8 years of my life. I know a couple of other single mums by choice (just one child each) who seem happy.

As everyone will tell you, it is hard work, and will be even harder for you with no support from another parent, so no weekends off, etc

Negative things:

• Harder (even!) to find new partner
• Hard to maintain a social life
• Less income, esp if compare yourself with childless friends
• Work (for me at least) is less fulfillling because I can't throw myelf into it quite the same, grab opportunities for travel, etc

Plus you may have to answer questions on why your child doesn't have a father. Won't be an issue first few years, but will be when they start school and realise other children do.

Plus sides:

• Complete freedom to be in charge of your kids, go where you want, decide the rules
• A very close bond with your child
• No pressure on new relationships to decide quickly if this is going somewhere and the right man to have kids with, you can take it is comes and enjoy short-term relationships if that's what comes along

And of course, the thing you just know matters more to you than anything else - a beautiful child :)

As I said, I didn't plan it. But like you I couldn't ever imagine a life without having children. Would definitely choose being a single parent over not having kids.

Cross posts - yes childcare costs are an issue - but tax credits pay you back 70% of your costs. Big issue for first 3 years, then it gets easier as there starts being free care and then school. To minimise costs, go for a summer birth, then only 4 years til school!

I know someone who has done this. I think it is very very different to being in a relationship and then becoming a single parent. As a single person, you would be going from having no day to day ties and commitments to anyone else to having someone who is with you every minute of the day in the beginning. It is a very difficult thing to adjust to. The first few weeks as a new mum can be extremely challenging but if you are on your own and have no one living in with you to help, it becomes hard to care for yourself and the baby.

Your new mum friends will have moved on to the toddler stage soon and may not be as much support as having friends you go through pregnancy with. Many mothers find the people they meet through antenatal classes or mother and baby groups are those they go on to have lifelong bonds with through going through a shared experience. Often new mums need someone who is at the same stage. Think about how you will feel mixing with new mums and explaining your situation or hearing them talk about how hard the early weeks are when their partner is at work and unable to help them as much as after work and at weekends.

Having been single all your life it may be worth trying to seek out if there are reasons for not forming long term relationships and how you relate to other people. Having a baby is forming a long term relationship, living with someone and sharing your space and time. Talking things over with a counsellor before committing to having a baby would be far better than afterwards.

I am a single mum of two, i was happily in a relationship when i had ds, then left when my son was 18 months due to ex's excessive working & spending no time with me or my son. We remained friendly... too friendly...because I fell pregnant with DD by him. I was shocked and felt trapped that I would have to go back to living with him, even tho I had bought a lovely house and was really settled.
However as time went on I felt I didn't have to and just carried on the same with the 2 children by myself!
Purpleroses has hit the nail on the head! I think if you have good support with your siblings and other people then you will be just fine.
I sometimes feel I would like to have a real break from them (their dad only very rarely takes them overnight, and normally just the oldest) I do feel I am either working, with a child or running about to get a child! You just need to be really organised, and find good childcare!
But it is all worth it to have such a wonderful bond with my two children, and your child loves you back more than anyone else in the world...which is a great feeling :o

Hopefully some of the women who have already done this will be along to tell you how they feel about it now.

Thanks for all your messages. FannyBazaar I think you make a very valid point about sharing my life with another person. I have recently undergone two years of counselling in which I explored and discussed all aspects of my close relationships, along with why I haven't formed any romantic ties and my feelings about having a baby. I felt that it was very important that I tried to resolve these things before committing to having a child, and it has been a very useful journey - and one which helped me decide that this was the right thing to do and the right time to do it.

I also take on board the point about friends with babies who will then be toddlers. I am terrible at accepting help anyway and I am the first to recognise that other people's lives will get in the way of them helping me. I do hope that I will be able to form friendships with fellow NCT-ers - I know this will probably be the most valuable source of support.

why would being a single parent mean she would need money for a cleaner?

if you full time working single parent with DC then a cleaner is one of life's essnetials - in my view - ie someone for four hours once a week to go thru whole home. otherwise evenings/weekends would be taken up with chores when you want to spend time with DC.

just as using online shopping is only way to survive.

of course is just my point of view.

and maybe with just one child is not a big deal.

Online shopping & a cleaner - good tips noted, thanks cestlavielife!

I did this and survived! Although I was unceremoniously dumped whilst pregnant rather than actively chosing to be a single parent iykwim.

I had DS, went back to work (4 days a week) when he was 8 months old, never had a cleaner and really it was fine - v v close bond with DS and we managed, kept our roof over our heads. The worst thing was the loneliness - it always being just me and DS, but he was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me. Now happily married with a DD too, so you won't necessarily be a single parent for ever.

And it was easier looking after just me and DS than it is looking after me, DS, DD and DH (bigger house, DH not around much due to job, a difficult temperament DD! and working 3 days a week too)

I did it (DD is 10mo now) and I would encourage you to go for it. My only thoughts are that I have found it invaluable being in close proximity to my parents to help with childcare and I'm glad I really saved hard.

Gingerbread are a great source of new friends and information, I'd recommend getting in touch.

Best of luck x

I am also a single mum by choice - DS now 21 months. I dont have a cleaner but have a well paid job and now work 3 days.

You will obviously consider the financial side (bear in mind initial treatment itself can be stressful and expensive - I had 6 unsuccessful rounds of IUI before IVF worked though I was older 37 when I started).If you go down this route the clinic will usually require you to have counselling but this was pretty straightforward

Early days were hard but they are for everyone and if B/feeding then you need to do all the feeds anyway.

I have been pretty open with people about how DS was conceived and had told him (via stories etc).

It is one of the hardest bits the guilt of him not having a dad but there are lots of reasons people end up with only one parent and at least he will always know how much he was wanted and that a kind and generous soul (and some clever doctors) helped it happen.

Good luck whatever you decide

Could you cope alone if the child had special needs? Life doesn't always turn out as you plan it.

I was dumped while preggers, everything was ticketyboo till DS started school and then POW! I haven't been able to work for 2 out of the last few years, mortage in arrears etc, etc , and life WOULD be a LOT easier if I had a partner.

Is there someone who would take your kid in if you got hit by a bus. As a lone parent the buck stops with you and I've had to make arrangements to ensure that if I'm struck down by illness DS doesn't end up in care. (More children wind up in care cos of parental illness than neglect/abuse).

Are you really organised? Not being able to pop out for a pint of milk was the hardest thing to adjust to for me, but organsational skills are critical to successful lone parenthood.

I think the most important thing is that you have plenty of people around to give you help and support if/when you have a baby; this doesn't have to come from a man. As other posters have said, it won't be easy doing it on your own but it's not easy when you're in a relationship either. Good luck and I hope you make the right choice for yourself.
(Btw, I'm 33, single by choice and 25 weeks pregnant with a girl, so I was in your exact situation not long ago)

I have a friend who has done this and she and her DD are very happy. However, my friend does have an extremely well-paid job, so she can work 3 days a week and easily afford to look after them both. She also has her very supportive parents 5 minutes away, and they are very helpful and involved.

I would have done the same if DH had not been on the scene, but I would also have been in a good financial situation with practical support available. Though, I suspect I would have done it without those things, it would just be an AWFUL LOT harder.

yes, I did this 8 years ago and now have an 8 year old son. I have to say though that I have a well paid job and would have found it very hard otherwise. I am able to work 3 days a week and still am able to afford the morgage and a comfortable life. I still find many other things hard though, noone to talk to in the evenings, share worries with etc and having any kind of social life is virtually impossible even with baby sitters. My parents have helped a lot but they are now getting old.

My son and I have an incredibly close bond and I don't regret it for an instant but I have found it very difficult to explain to people and mostly I haven't talked about his father. Strangely my son has hardly asked - he is a very easy going child and so far it isn't an issue but I will need to explain to him soon.

Generally, I think it is a very difficult path but not one I regret but I think it was made alot easier by having a good job so financial worries were not in the equation so much.

I've done this, and it was the best decision I ever made. I am happier now than I've ever been. It can be hard at times but it is also very rewarding and infinitely better than the years of hunting for a half-decent man to settle down with.

And if I ever feel lonely I the the Relationships section on Mumsnet to remind myself of how good my life is!

I did this 10 yrs ago and have 10 yr old twins now. I totally echo both the sentiment that it's the best thing I ever did - and that you really, really need support - practically and emotionally.

Unfortunately, two v v close friends living nearby, who'd been going to be there in every way for me decided when I was 19 weeks PG that they couldn't support my decision to become a solo mum and so dumped me (they were a lesbian couple and I think one had issues about not having DCs and the other had gone through an acrimonious divorce with ex-husband, leaving her with 3 DCs).

Then both my parents died over the last 8 yrs now and were ailing from the time my twins were born (and didn't live near anyway). So I've done absolutely every single thing alone, paying for any help I've got at all.

In some ways, it's actually harder now my DCs are 10 and have more complex needs and I feel more now the need for other supportive adults in my life. Have made some life choices which mean I currently can't afford a cleaner, childcare etc, haven't been out for 10 yrs now, don't get to watch TV or do anything at all for pleasure. But I think that's more symptomatic of my lifestyle (run a business singlehandedly f/t, have twins, a dog, 2 cats and pay for my DTs to go to private school), than being a solo mum.

Little by little, DCs friends' parents are getting divorced and I'm SO glad my DCs haven't had to experience conflict between parents etc. They do however have undiluted me all the time, which I also think isn't always the best thing!

It's certainly do-able and much more accepted and I've never had any issue since my 2 friends, with anyone who criticised me for taking the plunge alone.

I did spend a few year, prior to starting the solo parent journey, working effectively 2 jobs, to get some financial backing and it took a year to finally conceive and cost around £25,000 ultimately!! But it's definitely been worth it - just still figuring out these days how to get a better work/life balance and rediscover a tiny piece of life for myself!

I've also done it (gosh, there's quite a few of us aren't there?) and not regretted it for a moment. It is hard sometimes - not especially financially for me luckily (although I had a FT job which I left to become self-employed last year which was tough) - but more logistically.

I have had to become a lot better at asking for help and people are generally very supportive. My family have been brilliant and so are my friends. I only have one DC though - I did think about having another but I don't think I could cope with it.

OP there are quite a few of us around who are 'single parents by choice'. I had my DS 6 years ago and have never had any regrets. I think making the decision in the first instance to go it alone makes being a single parent easier as its a positive decision. Whereas with a lot of single parents its as a result of relationship breakdown (and while thats better for them in the long run) its not the ideal they would of wanted. I often read posts on Single parent forums and just dont relate at all as I am coming at single parenthood from a different perspective.

I have been fortunate that I can still stay at home and look after my DS and can do for the forseeable future. It has been important to me that I can financially support us both

It's fantastic to hear there are people out there who have made it work and would recommend it - sometimes (usually in the middle of the night) I do wonder if I'm completely insane.

Thank you for all the practical advice, encouragement and words of caution. Much appreciated. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same for someone else in the future...

x

I echo what a lot of the other posters have said, I have been a single parent since conception and it has been a journey (dd is now 6yo)

The hard things include not having anyone to back you up when they are driving you mad.

Not having anyone to moan with when you are feeling tired and weepy!

Having all the worry.

My dd has felt very strongly that she wants a 'daddy' and has really struggled with not having one - this is getting worse as she gets older.

On a more positive note though it is lovely just being me and dd, she gets lots of attention and one on one time.

I don't have to share her with anyone.

I get to feel all the pride when she achieves something.

Dd has a very consistant upbringing - what I say goes!!!

I have a lovely daughter

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.