Just a brief on the situation.
My daughter was born out of a fling and after a very rocky start, her dad see's her reguarly, never misses a maintenance payment and things are civil/friendly. He got together with his partner when our daughter was 3 months old and Ive never really had any issues with either of them. Im on friendly terms with her, and shes very much involved in my daughters life. Shes now 3 and a half. And they recently got engaged.
So.....
Like i said his fiance is very involved in my daughters life. He takes her once a week for a few hours (generally both of them are there) and then once a month overnight. They live together so they tend to do everything together...he doesnt really have "father/daughter" time alone with his daughter....But everyone seems happy enough with that arrangement so im not gonna rock the boat. My DD adores them both.
However at xmas it was my DD's 1st Nativity Play. She only started pre-school in the August so this was the 1st thing she had ever done. Now the school only offers 2 tickets....one for mum and one for dad and there are 3 seperate dates you can go on. Now while things are civil etc...i do not expect him to go to a show with me. But i thought he would take his ticket and go to a show on his own. He made up some excuse about how he had to work.
However a couple of months ago i was talking to his fiance and she says that they BOTH feel like they are a parent therefore if BOTH of them cant be involved (like she cant get a ticket) then HE wont go. So theyve decided together that he is going to miss every show etc...because the school wont give her a ticket. I told her i thought this was really selfish and was this because SHE was scared of getting left out....or was it because hes not man enough to go to something on his own? Shes very much in control of their relationship...she definatly wears the trousers! It seems to work for them but she basically controls all that they do together. She said he cant "bear" to leave her out of something and that it would be too distressing for my DD to see her dad without her being there....so hes going to miss everything from now on?
I said that while shes only 3 now and impressionable and of course saying to her "you dont want daddy to come without *" do you?" is going to result in her saying "NO i want you both there"...that wont last forever and eventually shes going to turn around and say "dad why dont you ever come to my shows?" and the end result will be she will either be upset at her dad for choosing his partner over her.....or she will resent his partner (ie her stepmum) for not letting her dad go to her shows. She said that it might appear selfish to others but its the only way and that i should offer his ticket to someone else.
I was fuming but decided the best way wasnt to go in there all guns blazing and cause a fight as its taken a very long time to get us all on this civil/friendly ground that we are on. So i waited until i could get him alone (when he dropped off DD one night) and asked him about it and he said he had no idea she had that conversation with me, but he agreed that it was very unfair on our daughter and that it wasnt the right decision. He looked totally ashamed and uncomfortable which leads me to believe this wasnt his choice. I said to him that i wasnt going to offer his ticket to anyone else and i will continue to give him his ticket for every show and he will have to reject each one...because i will not have him turn around in the future when DD asks him why he doesnt go...and to have him turn around and say "your mum doesnt offer me a ticket". he saiid "no i want you to keep offering me tickets...things might be different soon". Now the problem is....he wont ever go against his fiance. Like i said she controls everything and he just goes with the flow. If he was too disagree with her i think all hell would break loose and i genuinally believe in this situation shes said "your not going if i cant be involved" and got upset...and hes gone "Ok i wont go" just for an easy life.
Now ive stayed on friendly terms with both of them...i havent created a fight or an atmosphere and ive told them both what i think of the situation. But i dont think anything will change and the only person getting hurt here is my daughter...and theres not a thing i can do about it except continue to offer him his ticket and be the reasonable one.
Am i being unreasonable? I include his partner in everything i can....is it right that he misses out in these milestones purely because this is the one thing she cant go too?? Im not a stepmum myself so i dont know how it would feel and i can understand she desperatly doesnt want to be left out....but shes involved in everything...is it right that he can only be a dad if shes 100% involved?
Please dont think im slating her as im not...I have a lot of respect for her in the fact that she treats my daughter well....but im starting to see her in a different light over this.
xxxxx