Pick up

[mefifi]

XP and I have started to meet at a local Starbucks when he has DD for the day.

Where do you do your pick ups? Do you think that it would be better for DD if he came to our house to collect her?

I think it's usually better to do pick ups at home.Why are you meeting at Starbucks rather than at your house?

When xp had (court ordered) contact, she was supposed to come and pick up DD at our house, and return her.

I would find myself getting quite worked up waiting for her to arrive (invariably late), and of course this rubbed off on DD - 3 to 4 at the time. It turned out that some / most of DD's anxiety was actually down to crap parenting by her mother, but that's a whole other thing.

In due course she asked me to pick up and drop off DD at her flat, and that was easier as at least I could drop off DD at the right time and be there to pick her up at the right time.

If I could've relied on xp to consistently be at a given place at a given time to have contact, then I would've preferred to do hand overs at a coffee shop, as that would've been a bit nicer all round - comfy, neutral, you wouldn't mind (too much) if they were running late, far less chance of a scene being made (including by DC), etc etc.

Point is, it depends on how civil things are between you and your XP, and how consistent and reliable he is with regard to your DD. It also depends on how convenient it is for you (and him) to meet at Starbucks as opposed to at your house.

We started meeting in Starbucks because he was getting more and more late when he was supposed to pick her up. He is less likely to be late when we meet in Starbucks (no idea why).

He also was coming in here and poking his nose around, reading my family calendar in the kitchen and questioning everything (still a fairly new situation for us).

I offered to drop DD to him as I have a car and his car is not suitable for a preschooler, but he has point blank refused (I am assuming his girlfriend stays over the night before he takes DD out).

Exdh and I meet at Baldock services on the A1. He lives in London and it takes us both an hour to get there. We have a really good relationship so it works well for both of us.

Sounds like Starbucks is the way forward for you at this time. The alternative is for you to be polite but firm with him with regard to him not coming into your house - he's your ex, not some slightly annoying family member - and he has no rights whatsoever to be in your house. (Unless his name is on the mortgage or tenancy, in which case get that sorted quick smart and as quietly as possible).

If you don't already have them, I'd suggest some sort of ground rules for lateness - eg that you won't wait for more than say 20 minutes without having heard from him as to what time he will be there by if he's running late, and that if you're running late, then you'll also contact him to tell him.

He is on the mortgage, I want to buy from him but he is dragging his feet, but that's a whole other story! He does agree that this is not his home, but doesnt stop him from being 'at home' when he is here.

It's things like DD being v excited about her new grown up bed and I feel bad for her not being able to share/show him. But at the same time it's hard for me when he is here and late. Find the balance!!

well, from what you've said, Starbucks is clearly working for you on many levels, not just the fact that he manages to be there on time, so stick with that.

If it's a case of DD not quite adjusting to Dad not being able to look at her new bed / whatever, then she can draw a picture for him and tell him all about it, and / or you can take and print a photo of it for her to show Dad.

My DCs have always found it easier to be taken to the house they're going to next - ie I take them to ex, he brings them back for most of the time. Seems more relaxed than waiting in for someone who's late, etc.

Would he let you drop her off if you made it clear you didn't intend to enter the house? I'd be a bit upset if my ex wouldn't allow me near his house. I do go in and see their bedroom from time to time, and they enjoy showing me things there, just as they show him the odd thing here too. Can your ex drop her back at yours, so that she can show him her bed, etc? (but you may have to decide whether it matters more that she can show him her bed, or to you that he doesn't waltz into the house as if he still lived there)

Shame if you can't ever see his place, but if he's point blank refusing then the arrangement you have looks to be pretty much working.

My ex tends to come here or handover at the station if we have been out. Like yours, he likes to nosey around, I bought him out on the house. I try to arrange taking DS to ex's place, he is lucky in that he lives in a gated complex with entry phones so he usually comes out to meet us. Unfortunately when he comes here, DS has to put his shoes and coat on, gather his bag and things, so ex usually comes in and then DS likes to show him his things. Tricky but as it's DS's home too and DS's father, I think it only fair to let him in. I would hate to be him and be told you can't invite Daddy in or show him your things.

I think for a child, ignoring all other variables for the moment, the XP coming to the home to pick up the child is IMO a better option. It gives a sense of normality.

But of course if the XP comes round and causes trouble it's not going to be an option.

I always pick up my dd from XP's. And I always go in and have a chat. I have to 'find' dd first though because she's always hiding ( as a game honest ! ).

But I think it's really important that dd see's me and her mum getting on. And it's dd's main home too, so she does like to show me stuff when I pick her up.