can I refuse to let my DS got to France with ex?

[Happylander]

Recently been left for OW and came as a complete surprise. Ex has on more than one occasion said that this relationship is not serious as far too early to be serious (I know he left me for her!!) anyway he has said that if he is still with OW in Summer he wants to take DS and his DD to France with OW.

I am dead set against this as DS has not spent any time with her as I won't allow it yet as I don't want some constant stream of women coming into his life and out again and he has already said it is not serious. Plus ex is going on deployment for a few months soon and he will be going away camping not long after he comes back.

DS is 2 and so will have not had real time if any with OW and very little time with his dad due to deployment before being whisked away for a week in another country. DS has also only met his sister twice before. I think it will be very confusing and unsettling for him as he still does not understand why his dad isn't living here any more let alone seeing him all over some other woman he won't have met. I am the one DS cries for not his dad and if he fell ill I don't have the money to get to France.

Plus the other thing is I think they may be camping so they can go to Disney Land and that will really annoy me as I want to be the one that sees my sons face when he first sees Micky Mouse! I know that is irrational and childish but I am the one doing all the hard graft and I was the one walked out on 3 weeks before his 2nd birthday for that tart and I don't want her seeing my sons little face light up over a huge Micky Mouse. Not that I can afford to go see Micky Mouse but it really grates me.

Anyone else feel like this?

We feel like it and it sucks but you have to let your DS go. I know it's early days since your ex left and your emotions are raw but you shouldn't stop your XP taking your DS away unless you have genuine concerns for his safety. You are just pissed off and angry. You have the right to be, but it's not a good enough reason!

Look at it this way, a lot of men walk away from their kids and never bother with them again. A lot of men still see their kids but can't afford, or don't want to take them on holiday (My XP's fall into this category). You've got a long road ahead dealing with your ex and one day you'll be glad if he offers to take your son on holiday and your son will be glad too.

Oh I have no problem with him having him but just not taking him to a country I can't get to if he falls ill and so far away with someone he has never met before. He is only 2, doesn't really know his sister and doesn't know the OW. I thought ex was having him for 2 weeks in summer but only having him for one now as his daughter doesn't want my DS around for both weeks but agreed to him being there for one. So my DS will be with a 9 year old that doesn't really want him there and OW who has not met him. Plus OW has no kids of her own and is used to having ex all to herself being faced with a difficult 9 year old and very lively toddler in one go. I can deal with this if it was England because at least if it all went pear shaped or DS fell ill I could go and collect but I can't do that in France.

Plus I just can't get over Micky Mouse LOL

Oh dear. You are in for a shock. He can introduce ow when he likes you know. He really doesn't need to wait got your permission

The mickey mouse thing is childish. You need to get over that one. The only one here who is going to get hurt is you.

You need to get over this.

As hard as it is you have no right to "allow" or otherwise your ex to introduce your ds to the ow.

As for him being ill, well if he's ill he will be with his father. Even if he was in the UK it is not an automatic assumption that if he falls ill on his father's time he would automatically come home to you. Why should he?

As for Disney, unfortunately you are no longer together, and as such there will be firsts that you are going to miss out on. That is life now unfortunately.

I realize you're hurting but you cannot project this on to your ds. You have to let him go.

He hasn't actually said he is going to Disney land I just think they might be and I was being lighthearted and I know there is nothing I can do about missing otu firsts but I was saying how it grates on me. My main concern is that I won't be able to get to him if he falls ill abroad and he is only 2 years old.

Ex has agreed not to introduce DS to anyone that is not serious in the same way as I would not introduce anyone to DS unless it was serious. He has told me it is not serious hence me not wishing my DS to go on holiday abroad as I would not dream of taking DS on holiday with someone I was not serious with.

And I was after advice on how to get over this feeling and mearly asking if other people felt the same way so writing 'you need to get over this' isn't really helpful or supportive but then that is mumsnet for you.

I understand how you feel, and I would feel the same way you do. It's not as simple as 'just get over it' when emotions are so raw and your child is still so very young, so can't voice an opinion or call you while he's away. Besides this isn't about what you can legally do (or prevent) it's about what you, as a parent, want to do in the best interests of your DS. And the fact that your XP wants to do something different, that he also feels is in your DS's best interests. Disagreeing like this is going to come up more than once, so how you resolve it now will set the tone for dealing with conflict on both sides in the future.

It's incredibly hard, and really there is no advice that you will be happy to receive or that is guaranteed to make you feel better :( the best suggestion I have is to sit down with your ex, and as reasonably as you can explain to him how upset and worried you are about your DS leaving the country without you. Don't yell or slag him off, just say how sad you are that this holiday is an experience you won't get to share with your DS, and explain that you never expected him to be leaving the country without his mum when he is so young. It's not about 'letting' him go. It's about coming to terms with the change in your situation, and if you approach it like that, your ex may be able to accept that it's really very early in your separation still, and very painful for you - he may be more conciliatory, you never know he may even postpone a holiday abroad for something in the UK. He may not. But it can't hurt to treat him like a reasonable adult. There's no telling when he'll want to stop you making a decision you feel is good for your DS in the future - and you won't want to be yelled at or told you 'can't' do something for your DS either. But you might be willing to meet your ex halfway if he talked to you nicely?

If he still wants to go, try to ask him what he would do if there was an accident, or your DS fell ill. Get a 'plan B' on paper so that at least you can lay your imagination to one side and feel reassured that you have an agreed plan (as both of you are parenting your DS) about what constitutes an 'emergency' and what would happen in that case. Set up an agreement about when (if) he will keep you updated about how your DS is while they are away, he may be able to skype you briefly with DS or something similar just to reassure you they are having fun.

Whatever happens try really hard to keep any conversation about your DS and not about the OW. Hard as it is, his love life is none of your business now - and trust me, I know exactly how painful that is, having been left for the OW with a toddler myself. But fretting about it will send you mad. Approach it like you would if a family mediator were there - just ask yourself, is this about my son, or about me? Ask it EVERY time you want to rant/rave/cry etc and just reign it in. Call a good friend afterwards to cry. You are allowed to be hurting about this. It's normal and natural to feel cheated, abandoned and scared. He's treated you badly and that is going to colour how you feel about him as a parent as well as a person for a while. Not forever, but yes, for a while. The only way to get past that is just practice, practice, practice. Treat him as a parent and talk to him as a parent... not an ex-partner. If you can. And good luck - it will get easier over time.

wow sorry that was a mammoth reply :)

PS - taken from the gingerbread single parent website:

Holidays

Taking a child abroad

? If you are the only person with parental responsibility, you do not need the permission of the other parent to take your child abroad
? If there is someone else with parental responsibility you will need their consent to take your child abroad, unless you have a residence order
? If you have a residence order for your child, you can take them abroad for up to a month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility, unless there is a court order preventing you.

HTH

Chocoraisin speaks sense.
One other suggestion might be arrange something to do while he's away. Something really special for you.
A lot can happen between now and the summer. So be brave, talk to your ex in a calm way (parent to parent), explain your worries and put a plan in place where there are daily calls. TBH I would avoid Skype, at that age it can be quite confusing/distressing unless the child is used to it.

I think chocoraisin has given you some great advice here - it is really hard when DCs go abroad - mine are quite a bit older and it worries me a great deal, much, much more than when he takes them places in the UK - it's just the being away and being potentially unable to get to them if something goes wrong. Legally, you probably can't prevent him (in practical terms you probably could, by not handing him over, but that would surely inflame everything and be very bad for everyone). So best bet is to talk to your ex. Does he need to book his holiday just yet? If he's saying "if I am still with OW..." that suggests maybe he's not too sure and is just sounding you out (or trying to wind you up?). If he delays making a decision, there's a greater chance that OW will be part of your son's life by then, and that you will be over the split a bit better. Would be very reasonable to ask him nicely if he could wait another year or two for holidays abroad but if he pushes, you may just have to try and get used to the idea.

Well how would you stop him? He could get a court order to let him go.... It's not up to you op, it really isn't. Neither is who he spends time with when with his dad. Verbal agreements are just that

If you start insisting and he doesn't comply, what will you do then?

A lot of time between now & next summer - I have a feeling that the reality of the situation you describe may well lead to a change of plans!!!!

If your not happy say no she is only 2 for gods sake. Stick to your guns do what you feel is right let him get a court order