my DS has problems with no contact...

[OldernotWiser47]

I'm hoping someone can help, I'm sad and worried about this.
My DS was 5 in September. ExP has not seen him since August 2010, and not phoned since Jan 2011. No Birthday or Xmas card, nothing at all. His choice entirely.

DS is increasingly getting more aware, and more upset. He says things like " we have to go to xxxx place and get daddy", "daddy is trying to come home and be happy", even said his dad had died in a car that we saw upturned in the road, even though he knows Ex has no car.

Thing is, even if Ex would come to see him, because of his violent and very disturbing (MAJOR mental health problem) behaviour, neglect during previous contact, emotionally inappropriate behaviour etc, he would only be allowed to see him for very short periods of time, and strictly supervised (i.e. other adult in room) in contact centre, so any contact he did have would be upsetting due to both Ex behaviour, and shortness of time- if I could even get in contact with Ex, which I can't (trust me, I have tried!)
Any advice? I usually say I would tell his dad if I manage to speak to him, and distract him somehow.

Didn't want to read and run, that's so sad for you and your DS.

I don't know if my situation is of any help to you, but I'll put it here in the hope that it will be.

My DD is 4.5, and hasn't seen her mother since June 19th - it turned out there'd be long running DV between her and her partner, and the Police had attended on that day. As a result, SS wrote to me to say all future contact must be supervised. Due to circumstances, that meant contact centre. The ex refused to use one, and so there's been no contact since. I think she's asked after DD around three times from then to now, and like you, no card or present at Christmas, even though DD made a card and a decoration for her, which I made sure she got.

My explanation to DD has been along the lines of "Mummy isn't well, maybe you'll see her when she's better". When pressed by DD, I've expanded that towards "Mummy looks well, but she's not well inside. Her Mummy and Daddy weren't very good to her, and so she doesn't know how to be a Mummy".

In time, that might be further expanded on if necessary.

The reality is that DD's mother is selfish and immature, but the bad parenting by her parents is true (I've seen it myself), and the "not well" is to cover why DD can't see her, and stops it both being either DD's fault, or even her mother's fault. And given the choices she makes in her life, not well isn't too far from the truth either.

In your case, perhaps you could add that you have tried to contact Daddy, but you don't know where he is, and that hopefully when he's better Daddy will contact you.

Perhaps in the meantime your DS can make some sort of keepsake box for his Daddy, so that if he ever is well again, then he can give it to him?

Poor thing :( If he's not seen him on over a year, he's probably not really missing him in his own right so much as reaching the age when the other kids at school are talking about families, etc and he's becoming aware of what he's not got that others have got.

Looks like you've received some good advice from pinkcar above here re what to say, but if you really can't get in touch, and contact is likely to be a bitter disapointment/stressful for your DS even if you do manage to arrange it, maybe best not to dwell too much on him keeping things for his dad when he does see him - your DS could end up building up quite a fantasy dad which won't reflect reality.

Are there any other special adults in his life, grandparents, uncles, godparents, etc? Or could you work on any relationships you or he has to develop any of these a bit? Would it help if he had other people that he could think of as being there for him, just as some of his friends have their dads? Maybe worth talking to him about all families being different - ie some people have big noisy families with lots of kids, etc and other families are small so he gets you all to himself.

Can you tell him that Daddy is very poorly, the kind of illness he has can make him do strange things, so he can't be around at the moment, he will need a lot of help and medical attention if he is to be able to have contact in the future, or do you think this would be more upsetting for him? It just might help if he has a concrete reason why he can't be around without it being about his dad being a bad person, it is after all an age appropriate version of the truth. I wouldn't tell him that he doesn't want contact if you can use the other thing as an excuse for now.

It's hard though :( DS's dad hasn't been in contact since August and even then that was once for a couple of hours, before then he hadn't seen him since April. DS doesn't really remember him but since starting nursery and coming into contact with other children he's started referring to DP as "Daddy" or "My Daddy".