Child coaching / mental abuse

[IanD]

Hi me and my partner are at the end of our tether with my partners ex husband, my partner has a 5 year old daughter who sees her father every fortnight for the full weekend, since he left over 3 years ago he has what i call mentally abused her and is coaching her into making her believe that living with him (he lives over 100 mile away) is the best thing for her life, every weekend she comes back insisting she wants to live with him and the judge will decide, now for a 5 year old to be speaking in these terms is just not accpetable but we just dont know where to turn, has anyone else had an experience like this? to make matters worse is that my partners daughter thinks he is Mr god and anything anyone else ever says is wrong, we are so so so frustrated

Thanks..

A 5-year old's opinion isn't going to convince a judge, so the best thing is to stay as calm as possible about it (easier said than done, I know). By the time she's old enough to have her views carry weight, she might have another view about her father.

Your partner's DD may well be doing this because she sees it's effective in winding up her mother. My DD(4) will sometimes wail "Daddy, daddy!" if I've refused her sweets, or told her it's time for bed or similar. She has one eye on me to see if it will work. I can't imagine CAFCASS or a court attaching any importance to it.

Try not to react. You can say lightly "Fine, you can go to him when you're older". You might find that stops it in its tracks.

Not sure what part of this is metal abuse. Is it not possible that she has said to her father that she wants to live with him and he has responded with 'that's for the judge to decide'? Has her father made any suggestion that he intends to apply for residency? What makes you think her father is responsible for making her believe this?

Kids often want to live with the non resident parent, of course they would, they're only there for a short time and probably only there for the fun stuff and not the regular weekday stuff. I'd love it to be weekend every day and to live in some of the places I've been on holiday and may well say so, doesn't mean I'm going to quite my job or move away.

i think the father should be responding with something like 'lets not talk about it or something similair, speaking to a 5 year old about judges is just plain stupid im my opinion if she is saying she wants to live with him why cant he get her off the subjext instead of encouraging it, its just not right that he inflames the situation, which is bordering on abuse of the mind..

Nicknametaken my partner usually does reply with things like what you say and its met with a muted response and almost does stop it in its tracks, thanks for your responses..

I strongly recommend that you read 'Divorce Poison'...it's about the brainwashing of children after parents separate. My DP has a similar situation where his ex is not supportive of overnight contact, his DD is just 3. I spent this weekend with them both and she spontaneously said that she wanted to spend the night with him 3 or 4 times, yet a few weeks ago he picked her up and as soon as she got in the car the first thing she said was that she didn't want to spend the night with him. Yet a few hours later she was excited about it and planning the next visit!

Has your partner spoken to her ex about this? If so, what is his response?

Why shouldn't she want to live with her daddy, my eldest is a real daddy's girl. I can't see any abuse in what you have posted but if your partner is worried that she will lose residence in court, as others have said, it is extremely unlikely on the say so of a 5 year old.

my partner would love to talk sensibly to her ex about it but he would just come back with something like i dont know what your talking and completely deny that he is coaching her mind..
redhelen you've know idea how evil this man is he will go to any length to upset his daughter and confuse her just to get what he wants he has no positive effect on her life what so ever..

I bough divorce poison few weeks back and will start reading it asap thanks for the tip though..

What a shame for you all. I think you should play it down with your daughter. Don't let her know how much this angers you as she will only see you as being mean to her Dad. I'd just shrug it off, and like someone else has suggested, just say "Well,maybe when you are older...but you are too young right now."

Ex's are really annoying. IME you just have to let it wash over you as much as you can. The more angry and involved you get, the more it affects you.

I think you have to accept that the girl may genuinely love her dad and may want to live with him, even if that isn't practical. I have a son of similar age and he adores his dad (we are married) however if we ever separated he would want to live with dad. They just have a bond and I know he loves me but he is closer to his dad.

I don't think the dad should say - don't discuss it - that isn't an appropriate answer for a small child. If the parents agreed that she could live with your partner (when they split) then that is the answer. i.e mummy and daddy agreed that it would be best if you lived with your mummy as daddy works (or whatever positive reason). A child has the right to feel loved and wanted by both parents so don't give negative reasons i.e daddy didn't want you.

I suggest the mum and dad speak and resolve this - the likelihood is that the daughter remain with her mum BUT the dad and child should be heard. This maybe an non issue i.e after speaking to the ex you maybe able to say genuinely that daddy loves you very much but he can't have you live with him as he works long hours, or if often away with work.

It's very easy to slate the ex partner - they are often an ex for a reason but if you have the little girls interests at heart you will be glad that she is so fond of her dad. She loves her dad very much and he seems to love her equally - that's positive for her emotional development.