Young single mothers... How do you do it?

[BellaBoBella]

I am new mother to my DS who is 6 months and I am struggling big time! I'm feeling so alone, I've lost most if not all of my friends. Obviously my love life is non existent. My social life consists of my bed and tv.... You get the drift, I'm feeling utter pants. I live in Chelsea which has to be the worst place to live if your a single mother and it's a soul destroying place if you add young into the mix. Without causing any conflict I guess I am the opposite of the stereotypical young single mother; I come from a well off family, went to private schools blah blah, so I just find it hard to click with other people my age because they just aren't on my level. God I hope I don't cause any conflict or drama by saying this. What can I do to meet other likeminded people? Everyone in my area are married and in their late 20's-30's, I'm 21. So i feel very out if place at baby groups. I'm worried that people judge me for being young, unmarried and with blob. I'm not sure what I'm asking for but I guess just some general advice, thoughts, recommendations etc. Sorry for the rant and thanks for any help x

Bella, I turned 40 in December, have been a single parent to dts (10 also in December) for 4 1/2 years now and believe me I get judgey-pants from people too!

I don't know if that will be much comfort to you. I'll leave it up to the younglings to give advice about making friends etc. Actually I found a lot of friends dumped me when I became single almost as though I was a disease that was catching!

Concentrate on you and your ds and although it may seem hard, learn to ignore comments people make. They show their ignorance about the situation with every stupid remark. At least you might avoid the horror of having to go on benefits and the utter hatred that seems to encourage in strangers who have no idea what it is like at all.

I came from a well-off family, had DD at 21, lived in Barnes.

I moved. But was so loved-up with DD the judgy stuff mostly went over my head tbh. I started uni (with DD in tow), when she was 8 months old which was hard but got me out of the house meeting all sorts of people and helped me focus.

There will be different baby groups a bit further afield.

I suppose what I want to get across is that my privileged start in life (private school too and v good grades), made some things easier actually. Is there a pg course or similar you might be interested in? BBK have a night nursery.

And you'd be surprised what you'll have in common with other young mums despite different backgrounds.

Are you churchy at all? There are some v lovely church based groups near you. Holy Trinity? Cant remember, i'm not there anymore.
You are unique and individual and a VIP to one special little person. My guess is you need to build up your self esteem. I bumbled round your area with my pram 18 yrs ago and i was the youngest Mum at everything. PM me if you like.

I was in a similar situation - I lived in Wokingham so no where near as posh as Chelsea but I had the same problems with all the other Mum's being older and married.

What worked for me was getting a job, I made lots of friends and felt like I was doing something for me.

I also made a consicous effort to accept all invitiations no matter how random they were or how unlikely I would have been to accept them before I was a single mum. Online dating was good - I found a partner but that is besides the point, it was good for socialising.

Good luck, it's not forever.

I just had my DD 5 weeks ago im only 19 with no family in the area i live in i left DDs father at 4 months pregnant and i too lost almost all friends i found that mothers groups on fb saved me i have met so many other young mothers in the same situation.

The best thing to do is just get out of the house even if you Only walk down the block and back. Frees your mind and keeps going from going insane ;)..

I was 22 when I was preg, 23 when dd arrived and shes 2.8 now. I am the youngest mum at playgroup with the oldest dc, I am the only single parent and I have no single parent friends. Ignore the judging and negative comments! I do, single parents have a hard job and the stereotyre is generally believed e.g uneducated (I have a postgrad degree) just enjoy your time with baby and dont worry about baby groups, just try then out. Don't let your marital status hold you back!

I really had the same struggle, with my background being similar to yours and the whole experience of being a mum can seem very isolating. I have PMed you if you want to check your inbox.

Some childrens centres have young mums groups. I don't know whether you would stand out because of your social class as I don't know your area. You might make some great friends even if they are from different backgrounds from your own. It's worth a try if you are feeling isolated.

Chin up, the prejudice is a load of bullshit. Many young single mums do a great job.

Sometimes calling yourself a single mum and focusing on that stereotypical role can kinda be a negative circle iyswim. You can take on an apologetic demeanour, you have nothing to apologise to society about!
Think of yourself as YOU with knobs on! Rather than as a couple with a part missing. Big MN hugs.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I was at uni when I found out I was pregnant and took out a year, was meant to be starting today but I don't feel like I belong there anymore. That and also as DS is only coming up to 6 months I feel he's too young for nursery and I am a compulsive worrier so don't trust nannies yet. I am very lucky to have my mother but I kind of feel that I've relied on her too much so have in a way isolated myself to just her.

I have thought about moving but then don't want to distance myself anymore from the few friends I do have.

Dating has also been an issue, I miss men!!! What online websites are good?

Again thank you all for raising my sprits :)

Have you thought about getting in touch with the Graduate/mature student groups at your uni? I know a lot of "young mums" who are studying for postgrad degrees, you might find some support there. Some of us are not that old, honestly!

I did have a quick look online and saw that my uni have recommend a local nursery but that seemed to be about it. I did inform them that the reason why I was leaving was because I was having a baby and no other advise has been given, so I'm not sure if they are very 'mummy' friendly.

That's really terrible on their part. Have a quick search if there's a Childcare Officer (Or maybe a Women's officer) who really should be able to help.

I don't want to out myself here but am quite involved in the welfare side of things at my university - if you want help searching for stuff then feel free to PM me, it grates me so much to think they aren't giving you any support. Combining a baby with studies is always going to be hard, but it can be done, and in fact I sometimes think it can be better/easier than when you're working full time since there's usually some flexibility to your day.

I was at Uni when I got pregnant too I was 22. I finished my second year and left with a DIPHE. Most of my friends no longer live in the area I grew up in and as far as dating goes the only two men in my life are Mr. Tumbe and Mr. Bloom.

As far as your studies go the Open University offer a Open Degree where you can transfer your credits that you have already earnt and finish it off with their courses it does make you a jack of all trades and a master of none but atleast you will have finished your degree.

Enjoy your baby for now, my DD is 2yrs 4 months and loves to go to creche whilst I do fitness classes or various courses at our local surestart centre. I wouldnt have put her in childcare any earlier then this really but now shes that much older shes ready for it. If you have a local surestart centre then they offer lots of groups and classes for both parents and children with great amenities and there is a great mix normally of proffesionals and lower income families, young mums groups are also a good option. Although my local group had a very low attendence even though I live in an area of high teenage pregnancy you will probably find alot of mums in their early 20s there.

Also, I think I got hung up alot on the 'young single mum' title myself and put more pressure on myself. I dont think anyone else gave a hoot how old I was or what my marital status was. In fact it rarely comes up in conversations.

Anyway, I hope it works out for you just PM if you want a chat.

I was 25 when I had DS - like you found that the other middle class mums were 10 years older than me, and the young mums very different - personally I found the best thing was to ignore the age gaps, and make older friends, though I was a little older than you I guess. Toddler groups are the best place to meet people though of all ages.

Would second the advice to see if there are any groups for student parents - or sometimes there are toddler groups, etc aimed at postgrads or their partners who are new in town.

But also worth making the most of the social networks you have already. Some of my friends from before I had DS I lost contact with, but others accepted me and him, even though he was the only baby/toddler around - he got lots of attention :) Invite people round yours, go out to cafes, pubs with gardens, etc and train your DS to sleep in his buggy so you can take him out with you.

For online dating - I found the Guardian Soulmates site the best place to meet well educated people, though the downside to being a young single parent on online dating is that men can be put off by you having a baby before they get a chance to get to know you. Personally, I found that men in their 20s typically said on their profile that they didn't want a partner to have children, but by their 30s they were more open minded. OK if you like older men .

Hello, have you looked on the Gingerbread website (lone parent charity) to see if there's a friendship group in your area? There were none in my area (posh old Surrey) so I started one myself and have met some really lovely people in the same boat. I think every single parent needs at least one other single parent friend to share things with as you can't really explain all the emotions it brings up unless you've experienced it too. I'd keep trying with the baby groups too as you and your daughter need to build up a good support network around you. Make a list and try one a week til you find one where you feel comfortable and accepted. Best of luck to you and your daughter X

Hey my dd is 6mo and I'm 24 (23when preg) I left her father just under 3months ago and it is HARD! I don't see my m8s anywhere near as much as I used to and also rely on my mum a lot! I see her everyday as she lives around the corner. What I have found strange is that somedays I feel lonelier when it's just me and dd than before I had her and was on my own! I would def recommend seeing if there's any groups you could go to in the neighbouring areas, my children's centre has been a saviour for me! Also see if there are any soft play places you can go to.

Get on singlewithkids.co.uk and post on there to see if there are any other single parents in your area.
I can not tell you what a huge difference it made to me to meet other people in a similar situation to me, I knew I couldn't be the only one out there but even living in a pretty deprived area where you would expect to find single mum's I just couldn't find any.
But I did through swk and without wanting to sound cheesy it changed my life. I met so many people exactly like me, professionals, well educated, the opposite to what the media portray as the stereotypical single mum.

Also time helps a lot too, I've met lots of single Mum's at toddler groups, all the parents start splitting up at around 2-3. Well not all but you catch my drift.

Good luck and enjoy being a mummy x