If you were the one that left, how did you make your decision?

[PlottingMyExit]

I think I may be going to leave my marriage. I do love my husband, but I don't think I love him enough. I veer between being desperately unhappy and planning the future for my children and I, and thinking "right pull yourself together you can do this marriage lark, stop being selfish"

I know that I could be happy without him, but the thought of the emotional upset and the upheaval it will cause everyone makes my heart beat too fast and my tummy feel weak. My main reason for wanting to leave is that we disagree so much over money and household finances- I work outside the home over 4 days but I just don't think that the balance between home and work is right for our whole family and would like to alter my hours so that I can pick them up from school more often (currently twice a week, after school club on other days) and be around more at home for homework/supervising proper toothbrushing/teaching them how to tie their laces/paying bills/doing a bit more housework- general stuff that goes with being a family. He doesn't agree at all and thinks that I should be working more rather than less which for me makes me question his priorities (we have a relatively comfortable home and no significant money worries) and how he can put money before the feelings of the three people he is supposed to cherish most. I guess I just dont trust him to have our best interests at heart and every day I love him a little bit less I think.

If anyone was in a similar "falling out of love" situation what was it that tipped you over the edge and made you leave? I know all situations are so different but I'm not close enough to anyone else who left a long term relationship to ask! Just need to hear some other stories I think so I am not so alone.

You are not alone... i finally made the decision it was over last year, after a few years of 'trying to make it work' and 'thinking it was just a phase' . we have been together 19 years. what finally did it for me was realising that i wasnt being supported in what i wanted to do/be... i have changed so much since i had the dc, priorities have changed, outlook has changed etc... but h cant see this as a normal change in life, thinks instead that i suffer stress or some sort of psychological problem that has caused me to 'change'.... basically i dont think he could adapt to how life changes once children come along. on top of this i just felt like his emotional prop... i am very much a look forward type of person and he is a look back type, defined by bad things that have happened. whereas i always pick myself up and get on with life, he dwells on the negative. Things became stale and exhausting mentally. After a life changing experience last year i did finally think that life is too short and i needed to change it. I am not looking at an easy time ahead of me, seperation is daunting, financially i am not that secure.... but i really believe i had made the right decision and in the long run i think i want more out of life than this. it hasnt been an easy decision, and its taken a long time....

Chin up, you are not alone... if you decide to leave, get planning, find out our rights, check your finances.... the intial bit is horrible but take each day as it comes xx

I can completely see your point...but just to say that if you do leave and much of the reasoning is that you want to spend less time working and more time mothering...leaving almost certainly won't get you there...it may give you other things (freedom, choice, autonomy) but not more time.

if there is a way of resurrecting love, shared values and joint parenting then this is likely to move you closer to the things in your OP.

I am a LP out of an abusive relationship. I would not go back, but i have no time, no money, no freedom and a very long road ahead. Over the last couple of months there have been threads on relationships about falling back in love...it is rare but is it a possibility for you??????????

i truly wish you the best for your future and hope that together you can achieve a happy family balance for you, for your DCs and for your DH

I'd echo foot in that what you crave might not be fulfilled by splitting with your OH. If it is a question of finances and priorities, then you need to explore your financial position before making the decision to go ahead and leave. Having some insight into what the future holds, gives you more reasons to help weigh up the pros and cons of the more sober aspects of separating.

My concern with your situation is that your OH could be very obstructive with his input and support of your children once a split occurs. If he refuses to pay maintenance, there will be a delay before you get any assistance via the CSA. Could you cope with that? You want to spend more time with your kids - would your ex be happy to leave you to that, or would he insist on splitting your children's time between 2 homes, meaning you would likely not see your kids as much as you would hope, as their time is split? How would your kids adapt to that?

I do understand just how difficult it is to continue in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy. I thought long and hard about splitting with my ex before it happened, and eventually it was a mutual decision as he was as unhappy as I was (for different reasons). We too had very different ideas on finances and priorities (he thought he could spend money on himself rather than contribute to the household bills, and left me on the verge of losing my home because of the debts he ran up).

You need to look at every aspect of your life, your kids' lives and your ex to get an idea of how things might turn out if you do leave. Even with that, you could still be blind-sided by just how much of an effect your OH could still have on your day to day life because of the connection with your kids. An ex has a huge capacity to mess you around if they are bitter about a split, still have feelings but anger too, and can't just let you go and live your life the way you want to.

Yikes, I meant fool not foot.

footonthehill works quite well....maybe a future name change....
maybe one day footatthetopofthehill???

Have you told him that if he doesn't understand you need to spend time with your kids you will consider leaving?