Dp is leaving, how do you cope with young children?

[mama2moo]

Dp of 9 years announced last night he is leaving (I knew a few weeks ago but didnt tell him). I am an emotional wreck now.

My children are 3.5 and 2 years. I work 16 hours a week.

How do you cope? Today has been the longest day of my life.

He is going to wait 2 weeks before leaving. Is it better if he just went?

I'm sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation although 3 months down the line. I thought I wouldn't cope. my H told me I wouldn't cope, but you know what you do and you will.

here is what I have done for practical matters:

I have a very strict morning routine, getting up times, breakfast times, leaving the house times. I get up half an hour before the children to get some time for coffee, a shower and to think about what I need to do.

I shop online.

I menu plan.

I make sure the children are in bed for 7ish so that I can get some time in the evening. It is ok.

the emotional side is harder ime. Do you have friends/family locally? I do find that I am better if I do get out and speak to other people - it is very difficult being alone evening after evening even if you don't feel like going out, it does help.

Get your dp to do his fair share. Mine seems very reluctant to do that!

You should sort out childcare/access arrangements and finances asap. I went to see a solicitor pretty quickly, but my H is being amenable to finances at the moment, even if he never sees the kids. I would find it easier if my H had the kids overnight - how would you feel about that?

oh and yes in my view it would be better for you if he went now. since the decision has been made. Has he said why he is leaving? Is there any chance of a reconciliation? I find it easier on my nerves/emotions to distance myself from my H and keep interactions to a minimum.

Contact the CSA and start a claim NOW

I was a single parent for 4.5 years starting when my 2 dds were 2 and 3 months old. Not going to pretend it was easy because it wasn't but it was easier than I had imagined.

I did lots of what Beattie said - online shopping, strict bedtimes to get some chill out time. My parents were nearby and were a great help - used to go there every Sun afternoon for a couple of hours and was able to just read the paper. Bliss!

I went out a lot in the day time with the littles ones and so was happy to be alone and peaceful in the evenings. I took them both into bed with me whenever they wanted so we all got sleep.

Make lots of lists, plan lots of things to do, meet friends, post on here......

Then eventually meet someone else! That's what I did!

Good luck!!

Yes yes yes to lists and planning. Internet shopping is your friend. Make sure you are really well prepared - bread and milk in the freezer, spare lightbulbs, emergency kit (matches, torch, etc etc). A good filing system, set up reminders on an online calendar. I budget scrupulously, save for all expenses and try and save where I can - I have enough to think about without worrying about money all the time.

Never feel guilty about packing them off to bed early and getting some time to yourself. Find things that make you feel happy, even if they are small pleasures. For me it's clean sheets and a hot water bottle. Sometimes I have chocolate as well...

Mine were a little older than yours when my ex left, but it's never too soon to get them helping. ds was 3 and he was given the job of putting things into the recycling bin. Just that, but now he does it without being asked. dd is extremely handy around the house at 6.5 - uses the washing machine, makes her bed etc. You can't become their slave, you need to get them to help you and work as a team.

Try and build up a support network. Which neighbour can you call on if one of the children gets sick in the night? Who can you call at 2am when things seem unbearable? Who will come and fix a leaking tap (assuming you can't fix it yourself)? Rely on your friends - when they ask if there is anything they can do, give them something they can do. It will help you immeasurably and make them feel useful.

And in two years time, you will look back and feel unbelievably proud of yourself because you will be coping magnificently, and setting a great example to your dcs. I promise. You're stronger than you think.

Hope you're ok.

I have been a single parent for 2.5 years, since dd was 16 weeks old. It is hard but it does get easier. I have a strict bedtime routine so I can catch up on chores, watch a film, study etc and I have a list of activities that we are doing each week e.g playgroup, swimming, baking so I can plan my house work/food shop around that if it makes sense. I also work 16 hours a week and it is hard financially but you will manage. We always have 1 lazy day a week where we watch dvds, have snacks and snuggle on the sofa!i dont have much of a support network, ex hasnt got much interest in dd so everything boils down to me and it is tough but now I can't imagine it being any other way. Agree with pepe about getting your dc helping in the house, dd is 2.8 and she helps by putting things in the bin, dirty washing in the basket. Hope you and the dc are doing ok.

I have 3 children, 12, 7 and 2 next month. I have been on my own with the three children since May, although financially I was on my own all through being a parent, every guy I've picked I've ended up looking after them, they had no job etc....(what was I thinking!!).....and i work 16 hours a week too.

It is hard, dont get me wrong but also very rewarding at the end of the day when you have done everything by yourself and done it well.

An example of my day when I work is I get up at 6am, get daughters bottle and a brew for me, have a bath myself and bath my daughter, get older daughter and son up for school....they sort themselves out! Then we are out the door by 8.30am......I take my daughter to high school, then my son to primary school, then my youngest daughter I drive to her dads mum who takes care of her for me whilst I work, I nip home, put washing in, do housework, then get to work for 10am. I finish work at 3pm, my youngest daughters nana is waiting outside my work with my youngest daughter, I then drive to my sons school and my eldest daughters school to pick them up, then come home, make their tea, get all the clothes ironed ready for next day, my clothes, youngest daughters clothes etc, do dishes, get my youngest daughter to sleep for about 7pm. When shes asleep my other two do their own thing in their rooms usually, I make my tea, watch a bit of tv and then go to bed with my daughter and watch some more tea, usually get to about 10pm and then I'm out cold, knackered!!

Its all about routine! You will be fine. Financially, just keep a note of everything you have to pay out that week, writing everything down is the key I think.

I am 18 months down the line, my Ex of 12 years left me with a 2 year old and a 10 month old.

Yes it is very hard, but as the others say you will get through it and figure out your routines. I would echo everyone else with the bedtime routines and morning routines, is the only way to cope!!

Emotionally it was a lot tougher for me, but I am coming out the other side. I have no support here and my Ex doesn't have very much contact at all.

I would recommend the samaratans as they helped me through the first through months, but just letting me cry / talk it out.

Hope it is all ok for you xx

Wow, thanks everyone! Some great tips there.

He is still here, its our youngests birthday next week and I dont want the girls upset before that. I have sorted tax credits, single council tax, cancelled the luxuries and just did a big Tesco shop of basics that will see us through for a few months (that is the bonus of him staying a while longer - I have spare cash for stocking up)

He has offered more money a month for the girls then I was hoping. He wants to see them everyday - I have said 2 evenings a week and a morning at the weekend. Not to be mean but because I have to get over him. The girls need to learn that he doesnt live here anymore as well.

I am a total wreck. I am worried about the girls but more worried about being lonely. I have family and good friends but they cant be here all the time.

I will do a meal planner tonight and plan to have one shop delivered a week. Thats it. I have always been rubbish with money so its time to budget!

Thanks again everyone

Your girls will be fine, as long as they get to see him regularly. My DS was 3.5 when his dad moved out and he was absolutely fine about it - it was no more a bad thing than moving house, leaving nursery or lots of other things. Just a change - and he soon had a much better relationship with his dad once he wasn't in the house being horrible to me all the time.

See if your ex can spend time with the DDs outside the home - as you say, you need some space from him to get over the relationship, but if you can keep contact with the DDs pretty frequent at first that will be good for your DDs. Or if it has to be at yours, then get him to come at a time when it suits you to go out.

Look after yourself, and try and get out and see friends as much as you can. The sooner you tell people to sooner you start to move on and build up the new support network you need. Your friends and family can't be there all the time, but they can be at the end of a phone when you need them.