Shared/Co-parenting - what does it actually mean?

[PlainClothed]

Well, 2012 started in the same way as 2011 ended - with my exH being a PITA about arrangements for DD.

To summarise - he is obsessed with the idea that we MUST co-parent for her sake; he expects me to have regular conversations with him, and expects me to share information with him about things that might just have an impact on her. DD (11) spends a week with him followed by a week with me. Change over is on Fridays, through school. Until recently, DD was coming to me every day after school even on the weeks she was with her Dad, and he was picking her up from me when he finished work. He changed this a couple of weeks ago without telling me or DD in advance so she now goes to him after school on "his" weeks.

I find DD's Dad is a very challenging and difficult person to talk to or spend time with; he has been described by mutual friends as bombastic and he has a history of trying to bully me into doing things his way. His daily emails are littered with phrases such as "how sad and disappointed he is" that I don't agree with him about one issue or another. He links the slightest thing back to DD, and states that if he is unhappy with the situation between he and I, then he can't be a good Dad to her, so we have to discuss things until he is happy, for DD's sake

And this is sort of where my question comes from. Is it better to share information about significant life events with the other parent? ExH insists that he needs to know every little thing that might affect DD - but recently, he isn't doing the same thing

Recently, he has got engaged (DD went ring shopping with them and eventually told me about it - she had obviously been bottling it up), and last night DD spoke to him on the phone and was unsettled afterwards - it turns out that her Dad had told her that they were planning on moving house and she would be looking at houses with them at the weekend.

Should I continue to share details of my life with him, so that he can support DD, even though he's not reciprocating, or should I just adopt a "parallel parenting model" and let him get on with it his way and I'll do it mine?
In the past, he has disclosed some of the fairly personal things I have told him that are happening in my life to other people and organisations - in order to try and manipulate a situation to get his own way.

What does "shared care" and "co-parenting" actually mean? As far as I am concerned, we are not co-parenting, and DD lives with me, all be it with significant contact with her Dad - but he has got really upset about that - he even got a solicitor to write to me to insist that it was a shared care arrangement.
But, when I asked him recently exactly what he expected me to do differently to make it a shared care arrangement he can't tell me - his problem seems to be with the way I think rather than what I do.

i think the only person you need to please or support is DD.
not your ex

only a court can dictate what kind of legal arrangement you have.
he can call it shared care or whatever just as you can.

i would stop trying to answer him or engage in discussion about what you want to call it. you are not responsible for his feelings of sadness and disappointment -if he needs help with those he can go see a therapist....

facts are that dd stays sometimes with you and sometimes with him.
you only need to discuss facts with him and eg life decisions like which school etc.

the day to day - you need to support DD if she is upset about what goes on at his place etc.

so yes -let him get on with it his way and I'll do it mine?

and dont tell him anythig about your personal life unless it really directly impacts on day to day with DD and he needs to be aware of it.

You should share information that is likely to have significant impact on your child - for example, if you are getting married, moving home, etc. What this doesn't mean is that you have to share each and every detail of your lives. That would be completely inappropriate and would trash the boundaries you both need for your private life which are important for your mental health.

The prob is that different people can have very different ideas about what is important to share and what they can keep private.

My ex for example seems outraged that I want to have a rough idea when he might be coming back to the UK as our daughter really misses him. Apparently that info is none of my business.

Your ex is a deluded fool to not keep you in the loop about something so significant as a potential step mother.

But you won't be able to change him. I think you should just try to keep your cool and offer only the essential information about issues that will definitely impact on your child.

And 'shared care' is frankly a load of bollocks. Unless you are rich enough to buy two houses on same street a child will inevitably end up having one parent to live with and another parent to visit. I can't think of a single case I have ever done where care was shared 50/50 - it just isn't logistically possible.

I agree with Cestlavie on this. I think your ex has confused the boundries of what communication is needed and it all seems to be going his way.

I have 'co parented' very successfully with my 2 oldest DDs Dad but all of our conversations were about everyday things like if one of them had toothache, school plays, sports days and parents evenings. Is that co parenting??

He certainly didnt want know about my personal life and i didnt want to know about his.

Mind you i'm not a good example, i still dont know his address and we split up in 1998

The bottom line is i could always get hold of him if i needed him and thank god for the invention of mobiles!! By the age of 12/13 both my DDs were given a mobile so they could arrange all of their own access and me and ex only spoke when one of them were doing something they shouldnt be We could join forces and sort it out between us in a united front kind of way.

Co parenting is just finding a suitable way of communicating that suits you both and most of all protects your DC from any uneccessary crap that comes with seperation and divorce.

If your DD is 11 does she feel happy doing the 1 week on/1 off arrangement. I tried that and the girls hated it even though it took a while for them to speak up. Neither me or Ex were upset when they said they were fed up with it, just a bit suprised.

You sound as though you are being a bit bullied and rail roaded, that definately isnt co parenting.

Get your DD a mobile and let her make her own arrangements with her dad. He sounds like an arse and you don't need to tell him about your personal life.

Is your DD happy with this arrangement.

We do 50-50 it's completely possible.
Done it for six years now, you both have to want to make it work though.

youllbewaiting - did you have some ground rules as to how it would work, and did you stick to them?

We've mediated twice, come to agreements, but then it seems to fall apart after a few months

DD has been in 50:50 for over 2 years - but I am becoming increasingly resentful that I seem to be compromising more and more often. Just recently, I discovered that exH has used up all the shared credit in DD's childcare account - the previous agreement that we would respect each others contribution/usage has been ignored and I am significantly out of pocket.

When I raised it with him (by email), he got shitty with me, contradicted himself, told me I was wrong etc. In the past, I've just ignored this sort of thing and would have written off the money, but it simmers away underneath, and this time, I've not left it alone and I have asked how he plans to rectify it - now he's gone incommunicado, funnily enough

I don't want to change the 50:50 yet; DD seems quite settled (although the idea of moving house again with her Dad is clearly bothering her - both of us moved out of the family home so she's had two new homes in the last 3 years).
DD is going to be changing schools this year, which may well change things - exH has told DD that one of the reasons they are moving is so that it will be easier for her to get to her new school - who knows, she may decide to spend more time with him