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Lone parents

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Original poster

What is 'reasonable access to children'?

12 replies

FourFish · 19/01/2012 09:08

Firstly before I get flamed I am fully planning to carry on travelling around the country and hounding my ex so my kids can see their dad. I just want to know where I stand.

What do you as the resident parent have to do to ensure that the non resident parent had reasonable access? Is it just a case of stating that the non resident parent is welcome to collect the children from your home as long as you get a weeks a notice whenever you want to see them. Or do you have to make it easy for the non resident parent by travelling to meeting points? And by contacting the non resident parent to arrange everything?

And what constitutes reaonable access in terms of time? My ex won't have the children overnight until they are sleeping through but when they do (in about 100 years time i reckon!) how much time should I expect the girls to be with their dad?

I am aware this is all entirely hypothical (sp?) but I want to know where I stand with the law. I'm trying to get ex to go to mediation to draw up a proper contract and am unsure of what ex can reasonably demand.

Thanks

OP posts:

startinganewlife · 19/01/2012 09:31

I am going through speration at the moment. When I talked to my solicitor she said that reasonable access is for H to have them every other weekend with an overnight stay and once or twice during the week... ie pick them up from school and have them round for tea. Though I am happy for him to have them much more than this as this is what he wants and i think my dc need xx

GypsyMoth · 19/01/2012 09:32

You can't force him to rake up ANY contact. If he wants zero, then don't waste energy chasing him

Sounds like he is going to be hard work. Every other weekend and once midweek is generally the 'norm'

GypsyMoth · 19/01/2012 09:32

What's the distance and ages of dc?

hairytaleofnewyork · 19/01/2012 09:34

It would be useful to have a bit more information.

Who moved away (presume from your post he did)?
Before you separated, who was the main carer or was it 50/50?
Are you asking about the legal or moral position?

50/50 Should e a starting point but there are lots of factors that will influence.

startinganewlife · 19/01/2012 11:56

50:50 contact should be a starting point? Why do you say that out of interest? advice I've received says that is too confusing and disruptive for the dc, especially in the initial stages and especially with younger children...

MrGin · 19/01/2012 11:59

FourFish . From reading a few of your other posts, your XP doesn't sound like the most reliable person in the world. It doesn't sound like he is gagging to see his three and one year old more. And is more into riding in with chocolates and a visit to the zoo.

That said, to be fair, there's plenty of opinion that a one year old shouldn't be spending weekends 200 miles away from mum. I agree with that. So I think there is a short and a long term answer.

In the short term, assuming we agree about the baby not travelling away from mum for overnights, it may be a case of you remaining flexible with access times if he has to grab any available free time he has to travel down. And really remaining on good terms and being flexible is going to be key.

If it were me for example and I had an unexpected day off work, my first thought would be to try and see my dd. Whether that happened or not would depend on my XP.

If you were the one who moved away, there is an argument that you should at least meet him half way. But if you end up on train station platforms in the cold waiting as he's late, my generosity in that area would fade and I wouldn't blame you if yours did too.

In the long term ( once the youngest is 2 or 3 ) he should be having his dds to stay, given the distances it's likely that longer less frequent visits would be the norm. And as well as the alternate weekend scenario a 50:50 split of school holidays would also be reasonable.

But you can't force him to adhere to this.

I does sound like you probably want him to have more access than he actually wants. His girlfriend sounded a lot more reliable.

cestlavielife · 19/01/2012 13:12

from the dc point of view and their best interest estabishing a regular routine (whichever suits) is going to be the best if he is to have regular (regular can be once a year - christmas reguarly happens) contact.

so the standard every other weekend and once midweek. or other arrangement should be a routine and not switched about every month as far as possible.

if he is going to flit in and out when he feels like then is more like a relative, an aunt or uncle who will visit from time to time - and as with the aunt or uncle then yes you would expect reasonable notice - tho occasionally they might say "hey i am in the nighbourhood can i come by" at which point the answer is either "yes great coem at 2 pm" - or "actually no, it isnt convenient, sorry make it next time".

whichever it is - the Dc will get used to it if you cool about it. estabishing whether he is going to flit in and out or actually be there on regular consistent basis may take time

hairytaleofnewyork · 19/01/2012 13:49

Because all things being equal - for the sake of the children a good, consistent relationship with two parents is best - I am given to understand that this is used as a starting point more often now in settling disputes over living arrangements.

People can be selective in what research they believe for their own purposes - and 50:50 starting point is often stated herein mumsnet as the optimum starting point, depending on circumstances.

cestlavielife · 19/01/2012 15:39

good, consistent relationship is not jsut about time spent with each - eg when parent goes off to afghanistan for six months ther is no sugestion she or he becomes less of a parent .

it can be about quality and commitment not just quantity

Original poster

FourFish · 19/01/2012 16:24

I left him and moved 200 miles north but at the time I left he was also considering moving north as he had no job and no house in Manchester and fully understood my need to move back to my family. He subsequently has decided to job hunt in Manchester (to be nearer his mates although his close friends are actually in London) despite having being offered a job an hour from me. The girls are 3 and (almost) 2 and as I said he has no intrest in overnight until they are sleeping through.

Mr Gin no my ex is not the most relaible person in the world. I have learnt to turn up 30 mins late to meeting points as that is when he usually arrives. I also insit on meeting in libraries in the winter. Oh and the girlfriend dumped him which i was upset about as things stabilised for the few months she was around. Plus A wanted to know where Daddys friend had gone which was more upset.

I left because he was never around and I was pretty much a single parent (obviously thats my side - he maintans he was working for the family and I didn't appreciate that). So the care has never been 50/50 and I doubt that would be managable with the distance.

I want at the moment one Saturday a month in the girls home town and one Saturday a month half way with the view to extending the one where we meet half way into a full weekends at dads as they get older and moving on from there to two weekends a month and half the school holidays. Is that resonable? Or should I be offering more (if he wants it of course!)?

He doesn't want to plan and wants to keep things flexiable. He has just cancelled this Sat's visit because he has a sore throat (tho he has stated on Facebook that he had a job interview today so I'm not sure if I believe that - we're friends of Facebook to share pics of the girls).

Guess I'll have to hope he agrees to come to mediation and see where we go from there. Do mediators do maintance as well? Because some extra cash would be helpful!

OP posts:

MrGin · 19/01/2012 16:39

FourFish You are being very reasonable in both the time you're thinking about and building things up. You are doing the best for your dds. Good on you.

I think what you are suggesting is ' bang on the money ' given the circumstance. From what you've said I can't see him wanting more time.

And he may not want to plan, but you might ! Flexibility is good, but around an agreed plan.

No idea if mediators do maintenance as well, but he should be giving you 15% of his net income after tax and NI assuming he doesn't have any other kids. Of course if he doesn't have a job he's not going to be giving much. It'll be a paltry amount from his JSA.

limetimemummy · 19/01/2012 19:25

I can't add to the advice re contact already given, it's all good advice.

Mediators can and will discuss/mediate about maintenance although it needs full financial disclosure from your ex. This can be a straightforward process or, if he is not willing to disclose all earnings/benefit it can get rather longwinded/complex particularly if he is working non-regular hours/jobs or just doesn't want to 'play ball'.

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