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Lone parents

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Feeling jealous of 'have it all' mums.

18 replies

toptramp · 17/01/2012 18:57

Took dd to ballet today. The other ballet mums are lovely but I can't help feeling jealous of them. You know the type I mean; immaculately turned out in country gear, range rover, rich dh (I hear them talk), one boy, one girl, just too perfect. Sigh.

I just feel why does life fall into place so easily for some and not me? My sister sits on a train in America and meets a guy; she's now married to him. Then there's me with my history of abusive relationships. I am feeling alone and miss regular sex and support; not that I've ever had that support. What have I done to desreve this life of loneliness? Men tell me I'm beautiful and pretty as do my friends and people tell me I'm a lovely person but noone has wanted to commit so far. What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 17/01/2012 19:00

I try to remind myself that people chatting to me when I was with ex wouldn't have known how unhappy my home life/ relationship was. It's hard isn't it, you seem to see 'perfect' families everywhere you look sometimes but you never really know that they're happy.

I often feel like you about being on my own with DS, but then other days I'm at complete odds with that and realise I'm rather happy being single. Confused

worley · 17/01/2012 19:11

boredandrestless that is soo true. I'm much happier now I'm single, people don't know what goes on behind closed doors but it doesn't make us single mums feel any better.
when I take my ds's to football etc the other parents are talking about their weekends away, their holidays etc and drive away in their new cars.
so I'm always jealous. but that's the way it is. I'm happy my boys are happy I try not to care too much about them!!

chubbasmum · 17/01/2012 20:13

yep how so true but think of it the spanking new car bought on HP, rediculous loan to pay off the holiday and talk about the countless arguements behind closed doors unexplained weight loss - probably due to stress caused by the selfish bloke you married well ladies that was me, now that im single i dont envy those women who seem to have everything im happy with my life at the moment

AmIthatbad · 18/01/2012 00:33

I posted on another thread about how I am the jealous, bitter, self-pitying sort.....but that things are improving. Now I have days when I feel great, when I try to look on the bright side and it sometimes works. But I still have bad days, and coincidentally this was one of the dark days.

Driving home tonight I couldn't stop thinking about all the "have it alls" (allegedly of course Smile) and just wanted to scream with the frustration and unfairness of it all.

I was, as usual, rushing away from work (just once I'd love to see a task through to the end) and tearing up the road to pick up DD from after school club.

And as I tried to do homework, make dinner, sort washing, etc, etc I just wanted to bang my head against the wall with the sheer never ending, drudgery and monotony and just....well just having to do it ALL.

And I just want a cuddle with a man and someone to make me a cup of tea.

Or just someone that thinks I matter.

But as I said, it does get better - I've had nearly 8 years of this - and I know that tomorrow will be much better

And toptramp, there is nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do.

TheHumancatapult · 18/01/2012 06:13

i have times like this when away or days out .Then i see someone hissing at each other or scowling and then think oh thnak feck i dont have that

HappyAsASandboy · 18/01/2012 10:05

They probably don't have it all. I probably look like I have it all to outsiders, but I don't. I have so much going on in order to try and have it all that I don't often feel like I have very much.

I probably look like I have the house, the car, the marriage, the career, the son, the daughter etc, and I nearly do! But I only just have each of these things and I stretch myself so thin trying to hang on to them allfor long enough that something will change and I might get to keep them all and enjoy them! I hope things will be a bit more stable in around 5 years, but until then I know I will have to work so hard I might break, and live with the constant risk that any one of my wobbly spinning plates might crash to the floor.

It is a stressful place to be, but it might just pay off and I might one day have it all .....

happyatlast · 18/01/2012 13:04

I am exactly the same, I know behind closed doors things are different to what everyone else sees but I also sit there and think, why do all my friends and family seem to find someone who seemingly is perfect for them, whereas me, I'm 37 and supposedly a "good looking woman", yet I have had disaster after disaster and I have 3 children from different fathers which i wouldnt change for anything but still it would have been nice to meet someone say in my 20's, marry them and have 3 kids by that one fantastic man!!

Needless to say, we are not the only ones who feel like this. There are lots out there. I cant imagine I will ever find anyone who wants to marry me and take on my 3 kids, I honestly think that thats it for me, single life for ever, because whoever I do date it doesnt last, and thats mainly because I am shit at picking a decent guy clearly but still I cant ever imagine I will ever be happily married or happily with one person for the rest of my life, seems to happen to other people, not me, despite me being "attractive, good figure, no stretchmarks Grin blah blah blah"....it really doesnt make a difference what you look like unfortunately. Sad

happyatlast · 18/01/2012 13:06

amithatbad.....you just described my life exactly!!

sunshineandbooks · 18/01/2012 13:43

It is far, far better to be single than to be in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship. Our culture puts so much pressure on people (particularly women) to pair up that few people stop to think about why that is.

What's actually wrong with being single? Loneliness? Quite a lot you can do about that even as a single person. Poverty? Why should you be poor when you as the parent with care are the one person whose been responsible and is living up to her obligations? Maybe it's society that should change, not your single status.

There's quite a lot that's right with being single.

So you have to do it all. Unless you have enlightened partner who respects women and believes in domestic equality as well as equality in the workplace, you'll find that even in a relationship you still have to do it all and pick up after another adult and worry about whether they are happy. At least on your own the only mess is your own and when you do finish doing it all you have some genuine 'me time'.

And if nationwide stats are anything to go by, 2/3rds of men still don't pull anywhere near their weight at home. I suspect the wives/partners of the 1/3rd that do are the ones who really do have it all, meaning most don't. Remember that nearly 2 in 3 relationships fail, so all those wonderful relationships you think you're seeing are definitely a facade in many cases.

If you have good friends and the ability to do something that you find personally fulfilling, you may just find that not only do you not mind being single, but you actually quite enjoy it. Of course, money plays a big part (much easier to find a fulfilling hobby and maintain friendships if you have money), so for anyone on a low income it is doubly hard. Lone parents are 2x more likely to be living in poverty than any other sector of society. This is why the recent changes to the CSA are a travesty, why more needs to be done to get maintenance considered as fundamentally necessary as paying tax, and why childcare needs to be much more heavily subsidised. But that's a whole other issue.

It's natural for humans to want to bond with others and to want sex, but that doesn't necessarily equate to life-long marriage despite what the Tories, bible and Daily Mail would have us believe. There are all sorts of ways to achieve those goals that are neither immoral nor damaging to children; it's simply a case of finding out what works for you.

Conversely, of course, once you have a life you love as a single person, you are far more likely to find the right sort of person for a happy, respectful long-term relationship.

happyAvocado · 18/01/2012 14:10

I would say that I have seen so many of couples who stay together because of inability to lover their standards as in - can't imagine living in a smaller house, having less disposable income etc

do they have it all?
I think they have more headaches than me who is single
pretending things are OK takes a big toll on ones mental health

thekidsrule · 19/01/2012 11:06

very true words written on these posts

its only the same as facebook posts,you think everybody has a wonderful life,partys,holidays etc etc the reality is very very different,its a charade now how can that be a happy person that has to big things up

YoFluffy · 19/01/2012 22:16

You don't need to have it all. You need one thing - happiness.

It comes in different shapes, flavours and sizes but you can't buy it. I have many friends who've had all the trappings, hell I've had them all myself, but they often masked a deep sadness because more important things in my life weren't right.

I live in a house not a show home. I'm more likely to be found in Primark than Armani. My car's been around the block a few times. But you know what, I'm happier than I've ever been - probably because I've reached the place where I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy. It comes from within and an acceptance and appreciation of exactly what I have got.

Stop watching others - their lives may or may not be a sham but whatever the case, it doesn't affect yours.
Count your blessings - consider what you have got, health, your children, your home, your freedom as a single parent.
Concentrate on your happiness, get that one right and the rest is more likely to fall into place.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2012 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmIthatbad · 21/01/2012 20:25

toptramp Hope you have had a good weekend so far Smile

girliefriend · 21/01/2012 20:33

It is hard not to feel jealous when I see my friends with lovely husbands and big houses not having to justify every penny they spend but then I remind myself that my life could be a lot harder than it is.

Really I am happy, I have a lovely little flat, a beautiful dd who I get all to myself and don't have to share with anyone else, a good job that I enjoy, family near by, friends - I have nothing to moan about really Smile

suebfg · 21/01/2012 20:41

It might look as if they have it all but why do you think they feel the need to have their flash cars, country gear etc? Probably down to insecurities at some level. I doubt their lives are perfect, just different with different issues. And having a rich DH isn't all it's cracked up to be - often means that DH is hardly around to spend time with kids.

AmIthatbad · 21/01/2012 20:56

girliefriend yes indeed

We had a nice day, cinema, shopping, just had a very late dinner. There are some things I could moan about, but today the positives are winning over and I'm not feeling glum.

BTW, happy couple are NOT all a front. I know loads. And I know loads of couples that are happy and do have it all. I know them well enough to know that there isn't all this shit going on in the background. And I do not believe that the majority of couples are unhappy and putting on a front.

So it is perfectly understandable to feel jealous Smile.

suebfg · 21/01/2012 21:03

Toptramp, maybe consider someone different to the type of man you would normally go for?

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