Soon to be a lone parent... advice please...

[startinganewlife]

I am soon to be seperated from my h. we have 2 young dc. I dont know where to start listing all the things I am worried about!!

How will I manage financially? I am only really picking up odds and ends of work at the moment... i had an injury last year that forced me to stop working, i am on the mend, but regular work seems to be a way off yet...

How will i fit everything in? what with trying to find work/do work/run kids around etc etc... how do you all manage? I dont have family locally although friends are great... but I feel like i cant ask them for help because I have 'chosen' to seperate and should cope on my own?

I am dreading telling the children... i will seek advice on this... i think they will cope, i know its the right decision in the long term.

How do you stay positive? upbeat? when everything is changing... routines, social life, money, jobs....

at the moment everything seems up in the air because we havent sorted out settlements etc... i have seen a solicitor but until i know what the final settlement is i feel really unsettled....

I am rambling i know... just hoping for some words of encouragement...

thank you x

separated october 6 young dcs.
you will manage, just put one foot in front of the other.

and do ask for help...you can return the favours even if not immediately (in my opinion it's no harder and often easier to have another child at home with yours and you get the bonus time of the return visit!!)

make sure you have people to talk to.
got to run (baby cryhing)

You will manage because you just have too - its hard,scary and things fall on the wayside - but you will manage.

As fool says ask for help and favours, I have a child one day a week all holidays but the june half term and most inset days. In return I get days off in the hols I wouldnt get to rest,chill when she has mine back. Some times I have this child if poorly (not throwing up but sent home early till they can get there) and do the occasion school run.

As for money if you go here: www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/benefits-check

The whole site will help you mange your money after doing the benefit check up as there are budget tools and tips etc. Budgeting and have no spend days is the way I survive.

The best advice is take it day today, make sure the child benefit goes into your own account so it doenst get lost in break up. Open your own account asap if you dont already have one.

Im so glad I am years down the line, huge hugs to you. If you need any advice do pm me x

thank you ladies... i am keeping myself busy doing the practical things, like opening a bank account, looking up estate agents, emailing my solicitor, copying bank statements, trying to get work etc... I have gone thru the benefits stuff and know roughly what income to expect...not really very much! i had an appointment with CAB who will hopefully clarify things for me...

i just wish i was further down the road to be honest, over all the awkward horrible bits and just getting on with living a new life...

yes, I think being in the new situation is probably better than the journey there...haven't got there yet myself but looking forward to doing "normal" things again ...like sewing in name tags!!!!!!..instead of writing out financial statements and trawling thru' old mortgage statements.

best wishes to you. Find some good music and prepare a "fighting" playlist for when your get up and go has done a runner...well it works for me anyway!

thank you.... does help to know i am not the only person doing this! On the one hand I am looking forward to starting again... just would feel a whole lot better if i knew the dc were going to be ok about it (havent told them yet) and that financially i will be ok (expecting h to play devious with this) xx

Start putting money away then hun, when you do the shopping get £20 cash back and squirrel it away. Its not much to be missed (hopefully I dont know your situation) but would go a long way to feeding your dc if things go tits up.

I had 6 months ish and managed to save a bit over £300, not a huge amount but believe me it made a huge difference as when he did go I was literally left with the child benefit and my credit card. It took ages to get him to give me straight answers so I could claim benefits and get the help I was entitled too.

I also bought tesco saving stamps with any change I could find, these were a god send. You could also buy £5 on gift cards at the check out and squirrel those.

I know that sounds devious but its currently both your money and what you chose to do with a small amount is up to you. Im not suggesting you rob the bank account blind but simply prepare a bit.

Hello,

I'm a long way down the road you're just starting and you will survive that's the important thing, you'll do things differently and you will cope. Some days it won't feel like it, but after a very few short days or weeks you'll find a routine that works.

Make a mental list of things you want help with then when people ask what they can do you can tell them. For what it's worth I asked one of my highly impractical friends to phone me once and week and tell me jokes and not talk about the situation, which really gave my brain a rest.

Get outside walking/going to the park with the kids as much as you can the exercise and fresh air will help massively.

Take one single step at a time, don't worry about next week, next month next year, just concentrate on keeping your kids secure and giggling as much as possible.

Squirrel away as much money as you feel you can and always keep a small pot of money for the day you and the kids need a bit of a bloody blow out on a treat.

Good luck.

thank you ladies... actually i have started putting money by... and have applied for a bank account... good tip about gift cards! I hadnt thought of that! I am used to being on my own with the kids for several weeks at a time, and really enjoy it, life is less complicated and i don't mind my own company... some days i feel really strong about whats happening... others i feel daunted... how the hell will i fit everything in, will i have anything of a social life, what will friends think, particulary 'joint' friends... will the kids hate me.... all the usual questions... and the whole process of negotiating a settlement is bound to get unpleasant.... i'm really not looking forward to that. I just want a clean break, no financial ties to him, but security for me and the dc xx

Hi, you have my full understanding. Am going through one of the hardest challenges of becoming a single mum, physically, emotionally am being pushed in every way possible. Had huge falling over with parents, found myself homeless Sunday. Thankgod saving grace was a great friend am sleeping in her spare bedroom, going around with half mine and childs belongings in my car!. Have spent past couple days between welfare, council and rent offices etc. Found out today can move into own home Friday!. Praying that is my light at the end of what has been a v long dark lonely tunnel!. Needless to say relations comp broken down with xp, maybe will improve in time but need to take care of me and child firstly. I know that does not all sound great, but please remember to try look past all this practical stuff. I know it takes great energy and v hard when the tears keep coming and its exhausting. If you have any good support hold on to it for dear life, My relation has offered to fly over next week to stay and help me through this and to get settled in new home. Thankgod, will be happy to share this burden and take a breath!.
Am thinking of you, if you would like ps me, we can keep each other motivated and knowing you are not alone I think is some comfort.
All the best wishes and hugs to you

i was single parent to my first 2 kids now 22 /19 got, married oct 2005 ,sep 2010 now single to a ds2 with sn ,belive me you manage you just do

Well I'm a year and bit down the line and I can honestly say that my dd has blossomed since I left. There's a noticeable difference in her confidence and our relationship, although always good, is really good now. And dsd has commented how I'm much calmer and happier.

Dd has settled into the routine of going to her Dad's really well, there have been no problems whatsoever. It's more or less every other weekend, but he will phone and ask to see her on the spur of the moment, and she copes fine with that too.

It took a little while, but I got into a routine. I had to get my head around not being able to just pop out for bread in the evening, or be able to commit to anything regular on a weekday evening. But the plus side is that every other weekend I have totally free to do whatever I want, and I make the most of that - meeting friends, going away for the weekend, staying in my PJs all weekend!

You'll be fine. Yes, it is definitely daunting at first. But step by step you will do it.

Re cards, make sure you keep the receipts stuck on each one so you know how much is on them.

your not alone, keep posting on here. as for children, be as honest as possible. both my 2 children have said since we separated and now divorced that they are happier!! it was a horrible time lots of tears but 18 months down the line, I at last feel more alive than i have for years, both kids are thriving and doing well in school etc. We sat them down and told them together that mum and dad had fallen out of love, and we were still friends, but we didnt want to to be sad anymore so we was going to separate, we also said that this didnt mean we didnt love the children at all they still were the most important things in our lives.

Practically... start stashing things like bedding and towels etc just one at a time... its the little things that cost alot.

i didnt want to strip the house because the kids stayed at dads and it had been there home, so i left with a portable tv, and my bed. the money i had stashed help me buy new furniture etc.... friends where great and helped with hand me downs etc...

its tough but having your own home to come home to every night knowing there will be no friction is awonderful place to be,... sad and lonely at times but not as lonely as been in a marriage that isnt working!!!

Good luck

oh ladies, thank you for your words... it really does help... I will post properly later when Ive dropped children off .... just wanted to say thank you xx

Wow... you ladies have a lot to deal with don't you. I guess I am lucky in some respects, i won't find myself homeless, I am hoping to stay in my home (settlement not reached yet... nowhere near) so that is a big thing not to worry about. I may be in a position to by h out too... at least thats what the solicitor thinks. But, I will be left with a much lower income... I will rely on child benefit, maintenance payments and tax credits... and any income i can manage to bring in. I'm self employed and only just starting up, so work is slow, but increasing. My worry there is covering the school holidays... how the hell do i manage that? i really dont want to put the children into childcare for their holidays, its not what they are used to and I want to keep everything else 'normal' for them...

I feel sick at the thought of actually filing for divorce, which i need to do soon... because h's reaction to it isnt going to be nice... he doesnt want a divorce. Solicitor has said i can file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour just to speed things up and get the finances sorted... its either that or wait for the 2 years seperation, but financially thats not helpful. H isnt keen on this route, but what do i do?? solicitor also said that it wont be a 50:50 split, it will be greater in my favour because i have the children and my income makes me more vulnerable.... i can see H fighting this...

And then theres the issue of him moving out.... he wants to live REALLY close by, which for the children is great, but for me I would like a little more distance really... but nothing i can do about that.

My family are being really supportive, and friends reaction is mixed... some are being great, others dont seem to know what to do with the news and are keeping their distance and i feel shut out and unable to ask them for help... i guess it doesnt help that over the last 6 months I have tended to avoid themall because i havent been able to explain whats been going on at home. H says we shouldnt tell anyone yet, not before the children know, which i agree with, but i have had to tell a few people... if nothing else but to explain why i have shut myself away...

At home i find myself shtting myself in my bedroom and getting on with work, or anything really... we dont spend much time together now... this is difficult when the children are here as i feel like i cant be around them when he is 'swamping' them...

Ive been offered a short break away next week, only for 4 days, i'd love to go, but feel like i cant ask... as he would have to look after the kids ... and i'm worried he would use it against me, say that i'm being selfish and just disappearing....

He isnt really making any moves to sort things out and i feel like i'm having to prompt him... by seeing a solicitor etc... but when we did talk he said we can sort all this between us rather than pay solicitors... but then i find out he is seeing our financial advisor without me... so he isnt really sticking to his word... and i'm now on the back foot worried that he will stitch me up....

I generally feel sick and tired most of the time, my stomach literally burns with worry... i have seen the gp who has put me on antidepressants which do seem to be helping....

oh god this is so long I had better stop before i put you all off!! xx

i too an going through a divorce due to hubbys unreasonable behaviour ,he talks to me infrount of mt son fing and blinding

I'm sorry to hear that sprouts..... its hard isnt it... so much to sort out and think about... at least we can get some support here xxxx

Hi startinganewlife, you sound quite a lot like me! Me & X decided to separate in August, but he's only just moved out in the last couple of weeks because he decided to buy a house and it took ages to go through. It's been a really difficult time, and it's still hard, but it's better now he's actually moved. I think you will probably feel better once that happens for you - you'll be moving forward rather than stuck in this scarey place. hugs x

thank you suzshi... its hard living together isnt it.... i told H last week that we can pit things on hold for a while because he isnt ready to accept this, or leave the kids and definately isnt ready to be able to tell them in the right way. I made it clear that this is not a delay and i am offering no promises.... but that doesnt seem to have sunk in at all.... he spoke to my mum and more or less said that this delay will give me time to come to my senses and that i obviously wasnt ready for him to move out yet..... so he hasnt got the message at all!! and is being patronising and manipulative.... asking my mum to have a word with me and see if she can influence me... and its just so bloody patronising that he thinks i do not know my own mind and willl come to my senses... but that seems to be him all over really... treating me like a child!! i should have stuck to my guns and just carried on!, now i have to go thru the whole thing again!

Hi, I've just joined here today so I am new to this!

I am needing i think someone to chat to about this very situation! I split with my hb on boxing day and we have a 5month old baby. I have sorted out a lot in terms of benfits etc, but keep feeling anxious.

I am trying to keep things calm because all I want to do is get him out of my life asap (obv apart from his access), but if I keep things calm with him then I am upsetting my mum! I feel like I am to blame for everyrthing and upsetting everyone, when i was the one who thought everything was brilliant. I got the biggest shock of my life!

I am so surprised on how I have been but I feel I have to be strong for everyone else, and sometimes all I want to do is crumble.

Reading people's comments on here shows me how life can move on, but can anyone give advice on how I can help my mum see my reasoning, i feel like we are against each other and not on the same side!

(sorry, i feel like i've gone on and dont want to hijack the post, just thought it was related).

x

Hi Jet.... you're not alone, dont worry... what happened, and why is your mum against your situation?
x

I have been single mother for over 4 years. Everything works out in the end! Sometimes you find it easier then living together cos there are no arguments, you make the decisions in your house and seperation can take alot of the stresses away.
Organisation and budget!, good childcare and good support and you will be just fine.
The kids cope, they can adjust, I often tell my son would he prefer us to be happy and apart or miserable and together! Our family is on paper so disjointed but we all get on great!
Use your friends help, get all the right information, child tax credits, childcare costs, council tax benefits etc.
I found out, sad but true, that if I worked a few hours less then I was better off as I was entitled council tax benefit and free school meals!
Most importantly try and stay positive for you and the kids. Good luck girls x

I hope it's going well for you startinganewlife. I separated from DH in November last year with DCs 6 and 7. I know what you mean about all the upheaval and not knowing how it will be. My children have adapted really well to the change and, if anything, they seem happier than before. I don't have the financial worries and it's an amicable split, but until quite recently I have felt very unsettled and grieved a lot. However, I am beginning to feel less fear and more excitement. I have had wonderful support from my friends and it has helped to hear their certainty that things will be okay even when I haven't felt it myself. I think it gets easier when the initial period is over and you will see what is lost and what is gained. When that happens it is easier to deal with the reality of your situation. The other thing I have found useful is only to listen to helpful advice and not get too caught up in other people's unhelpful views or apparently perfect lives. Now it is easier for me to see that there are serious disadvantages in staying married and there is no absolutely straightforward way of living whether you're single or not.

Good luck with all the changes.

thank you ladies! i am doing ok actually... unfortunately H is deluded and thinks i will 'come to my senses'..... erm....i have, but, not in the way he thinks!

Hello Starting and others. I remember how overwhelming and devastating it was when I split with my x 16 months ago but it gets better every day. I found sitting down and making lists of all the practical chores I had to do really helped. It seems impossible now but with wee baby steps you do get there. Live in the minute if you can. Our kids were 8, almost 3 and 14 months and I really thought I'd never cope but as soon as x moved out this incredible sense of peace and relief filled the house and we managed. The family dynamic changed and the kids adjusted v well. My 8yr old found it v hard in the early days but the news was broken to him in a v insensitive way and he soon adapted. I had no family where i was living but have since moved closer to my family. Some good friends helped me out in the early days which I will never forget. Sometimes showing up with wine in the evening or meeting me for coffee was enough just to keep me going forward. Try and be really kind to yourself, bubble baths and fleecy pjs helped me! Try and go for the break you sound like you need it.
I've joined a rambling group and book group and have started to get a good social life going again. The boys see their dad often and I do my own stuff when he's here. It still aint all plain sailing, there are flare ups between us which are hard to avoid but i have detached so much that he no longer gets under my skin like before. Once in a while I get sad and angry about how it all went those feelings are rare now. I also want to enjoy my kids childhood days as much as I can so the less time now wasted on my x the better. I agree with world with wings there is no one right way of living and bringing up kids.