I'm stuck in the middle - petty and long

[buriedinoddsocks]

I'm stuck in the middle between my ex and my DD and I don't like it. Or really know how to handle it

In a nutshell, he's emotionally unavailable and totally lacks emotional intelligence. It's one of the main reasons we are no longer together. He gets caught up in work and it's an obsession he doesn't listen he won't be derailed or do anything else.

He is also very passive aggressive in his way of dealing with people - rather than say a straight out "no" he will put obstacle after obstacle after obstacle in the way of doing something if it's not something he wants. Which leaves the person trying to talk to him in no doubt he doesn't want to do it but he can say he never said no iyswim? So it's up to them if they don't do it it's nothing to do with him.

I think he has ASD traits but that's just my opinion I'm not an expert or qualified in any way.

DD is 13 going on 23. She has to take on things like cooking the meals, doing the washing as he simply would not remember to feed the kids when they are there, or wash clothes. She has to do a lot of the organising because he is incapable.

I don't have a problem with all of that - some of it, yes, but not all of it it's not all together a bad thing.

So, she has a birthday party she wants to go to on his access night this week. It is about 5 miles away, and is a meal out finishing at 8pm.

She asked him last night could she go, he asked her loads of questions said "Well it's a run to x, it's on a school night" all the usual stuff but he didn't actually say no. He told her the problem wasn't that it was on a school night, the problem was that he would have to take her to xtown, 5 miles away, it's a run out at 8pm to collect you was what he said (younger child is 9 years old not 9 months it's not that much hassle to put her in the car imho)

She texted me and then phoned me really upset that he wasn't going to let her go and I said if he can't take you and pick you up I can pick you and friend up if friend's mum gives you a lift over as I won't be finished work on time.

To cut an already long story short, I ended up phoning him and he's gone off on one. He doesn't have a problem with her going to the party, she shouldn't have spoken to me, he didn't say no.

But he was so so negative that she knew he wasn't going to say yes iyswim? And now that I've said I'll take her, he's said there's no need for me to be involved it's his access night, how dare I try to interfere.

He admitted he was working last night (he works from home) and he wasn't really listening to her and he was just trying to put obstacles up to test her (WTF?)

How can I help her without getting involved? And without him accusing me of interfering?

Bump

Oh buried you have my sympathies, he sounds similar to my ex in this way. My DS is still youngish though so I still 'do' these conversations with him.

His are usually to do with access being changed to suit him, but instead of saying 'I want to have ds on x day instead of y day' knowing this will be met with a no (after years of him messing us about I finally put my foot down and say it's contact day or not at all) he now will tell me what he will be doing while he has DS there, inappropriate stuff (like moving a friend to a new house), where ds will get none of his time and (much needed) supervision.

Your DD is 13 and if he continues 'putting up obstacles to test her' (what a prat) he is going to lose her. Does he realise this? I think I'd be pointing this out to him despite knowing it will cause a hissy fit, as it may make him THINK and try a little harder. On the other hand it may not.

If your DD started to refuse to go would your 9 year old be adequately cared for without their sister doing meals and what not??

Bored thank you - I am at a loss as to know how to deal with it.

If he didn't want her to go, why couldn't he say no? she's 13, there's going to be stuff she wants to go to that isn't convenient for him - so what - I am at a loss. If I say I'll do the stuff (since he doesn't have an issue with doing the stuff per se he just cba) then wtf is the problem with me doing it?

He literally gives DD the money for groceries, drops her and DD2 off, goes and does something else, and picks them up after. If they forget stuff or dont' get things they need then it's their fault and responsibility.

I don't want to micro-manage and I want to be hands off and let him and her sort it out but it's hard

He put up obstacles to test her?!
What an utter fanny.

That's what he said last night on the phone. He was just putting up obstacles to test her, it wasn't that he didn't want her to go.

Why would you do that?

And she has to go to an appointment this week. I'm snowed under, and asked him to organise it and take her.

He agreed to do this and has phoned me to say it has been organised for today and he can't take her so I'll have to do it.

Totally no respect for me and no understanding that I'm busy and can't easily do it (it's a medical related appointment not wimmins problems or anything so of course I'll take her but it's a hassle for me to do it just as much as a hassle for him) And how fucking dare he say he'll do it then just not bother and think my time is less valuable than his?

I mean, he organised the appointment, he phoned about it, agreed the time, but he is expecting me to take her and he didn't ask me if it suited me.

That's what has got up my nose.

Do you have shared residency? How much time do they spend at Dad's house? Do you both work full time? Just trying to get a picture of things.

The appointment issue - we have stuff like this too all the time. It is like you say, him having no emotional intelligence or ability to put himself in your shoes. He also may well have heard a completely different conversation to you, and genuinely (mistakenly) thought he was just to organise it. Unlikely I know but I often spend time annoyed like you trying to figure out WHY he behaves in this way.

Residency is supposed to be 50/50 but works out more 70/30-ish. Because he changes things and has to work so I keep them. That's not a big deal - they're my kids, of course I'll have them it's just that I can't really plan stuff you know?

We both work full-time but I can be more flexible than him most of the time, so what ends up happening is that he asks me to have them after school for example and he collects at 8pm from me - but that doesn't "count" in his eyes as he still has them overnight

I know he knew he was supposed to take her, because he said this morning that he knew he was supposed to take her but that the time was a pita for him. Well, it's a pita for me too

The bit I don't understand is he knew he was taking her, that's why he was phoning up to organise the appointment in the first place.

If he knew that the time they suggested wasn't really good for him, why didn't he say "no that doesn't suit me when else have you?"

Eldest is 13 so if it gets so bad that it has to go back to court then her feelings will be paramount, if contact arrangements are court ordered.
Check with NSPCC or something what is considered suitable age for a 13-year-old to supervise a 9-year-old sibling. There aren't any laws but if anything happened ie accident in the kitchen or while out shopping, then ex could be judged not to have not supervised properly.
Obviously you know your DCs, what they are capable of, what feel fair or sensible.
It sounds awful that your ex is making her take adult decisions and choose between friend's party and her Dad .
Work out what you can do/would like to do/what your DCs would like then present him with a fait accompli, backed up with a solicitor's letter if necessary.
Keep records, note your DCs feelings etc and then dare him to go to court.
Softer approach is to simply say DD wants to go to this party on this night and I will take her if you can't. Let me know decision by x time.
Same with doctor's appointment. No negotiation, no room for emotional toing and froing and then he can like it or lump it.
Sounds as though he is impossible to negotiate with so you need to do damage limitation.

Stuwel - that's a good idea about contacting NSPCC I never thought of that.

She's caught in the middle, but so am I if I get involved it's not really my place and it just gives him an opportunity to act all the injured party.

I've started to take control - in saying I'd take her to the party and stuff but I shouldn't have to.

He's impossible. Just impossible.