stressed by ex!!

[joysofmotherhood]

Any advice please on surviving and moving forward with my ds when I have an angry and bitter ex to face and deal with. He cannot accept relationship is over and saying awlful things like he will get my ds to choose to live with him when hes older (ds is 4 years old).
Any advice be very much appreciated on keeping my sanity when hes making this whole process as difficult as possible!

I believe the expression is 'you have to disengage from him' - that is, you no longer have a relationship with him except to talk about essential matters to do with your DS. You don't let him into your house,you don't listen to his rants, you don't chat to him about your personal life. It shouldn't be that way, but if he is making your life a nightmare this will block his attempts to stay involved with your life.

I wouldn't worry too much about the threat to make your child choose between you when he's older. My XP has been saying for 5 years that if anything happened to me, our daughter would live with him and that he wants joint custody of her - yet he still can only be bothered to see her for a few hours on a Sunday, even though he doesn't work and lives close by! A lot of what you'll hear is just the anger and bitterness talking and I'd try not to take it too seriously.

Totally agree with Corlan - disengage as much as you can, set your boundaries and stick to them - and find a good friend/counsellor to let out all the anger (otherwise the temptation is to let it all out at him, and that just keeps you connected) Good luck x

Thankyou both corlan and atomum for words of encouragement. Things took turn for worse today, have been staying with parents whilst seeking housing for me and ds. Had huge arguement over xp behaviour and was told well I am the one taking his son away. I was so upset, have been through sheer hell past few years and to finally find courage to break away from xp. So am now offically homeless!. Anybody know where to go with a child when you have no home?!. My friend is very kindly giving me a bed tonight but have nowhere to go tomorrow. What a nightmare!.

Go and see the council about finding somewhere to live if you're really desparate - they can find you somewhere temporary at least, or help you sort out longer term options whilst you stay with your friend.

But sounds like you have a long way to go towards working out what kind of parenting you and your ex want to do - saying that DS might go and live with him when he's older might not be an awful thing (assuming he's got the potential to be a decent parent). Who's to say that wouldn't ever happen at some point? He's is father's son just as much as he's yours.But hugely better if you can work out some shared parenting arrangements rather than fight over DS and see it as all or nothing - one person has won and one has lost.

As long as your ex is not a danger to your DS, you need to get things set up so that your ex has some involvement in parenting. He needs to realise that the relationship with you is over, but at the same time, you need to reassure him that you're not trying to cut him off from his role as a father.