Is this normal after contact (15mo DD)

[newbabynewmum]

My Dd has started seeing her dad unsupervised once a week for the past 4weeks (previously was supervised and for shorter periods of time). Has been on a Saturday for the past few weeks - today was the first time he picked her up from nursery (she's FT) as he has 3 weekends out of 4.

After her dropped her off at 5pm she behaved really erratically for 2hours before bed. Lots of shouting interspersed with crying. She then at 630pm ISP had a total meltdown, screaming and crying. She wasn't having a tantrum just really really upset. I managed to calm her down by just holding her really close for about 20mins. Then we had a big cuddle & she smiled and patted me on the head saying "awh"

She talks a lot but these are only descriptive words, she can't tell me how she feels yet.

Anyway. Sorry this is long! I didn't want to drip feed. Do you think this is normal behaviour? Do you think it'll keep happening? If she's this upset every time he gets her from nursery can I put a stop to it and make alternative arrangements with him because it's clearly affecting her in a negative way?

Sorry about the length! Thank you for reading!

*630pm ish ..

Hi
I have 2dd's who go to their Dad's for tea and over night one day in week, and sat night, all day Sunday every week. They are older than yours (3&6) and have been going longer (now nearly 12 months) and both on occasions behave off the wall when they come home, not always, and to varying degrees. Sometimes it obviously tiredness, sometimes I can put it down to them having spent a lot of time travelling or watching tv, sometimes one or other is just upset and I don't always get the story of what they are upset about.... I had a similar question a while ago on here, and from the replies I got, I would say it isn't unusual.

As your dd is still really quite little, and if your exp is willing to listen to your concerns, see if you can take it back a step, maybe reduce the length of time she is with him, and then gradually build it back up again, your post gives the impression it has gone from relatively short supervised visits to long unsupervised in one jump, maybe it is too much for her just now? Is it possible for you both to meet her from nursery, and then her to go with him unsupervised a few times, then he can collect her on his own a few more weeks down the line rather than putting a stop to it? Just to get her used to him being there at that time, but still having you as 'security' if you see what I mean?

I think that generally, it's just one of those things - kids of all ages are anywhere between a bit off to downright awful after time with their NRP.

Very hard to say if it's just one of those things or if there's more to it. Under what circumstances and for what reasons was it previously supervised?

The problem is you don't know for certain that it's anything to do with the contact with Dad. It could just be that she may have behaved that way had she been collected by you or her Dad.

Choc - yes this is why I'm waiting to see if it happens again.

It used to be at a contact centre - then we had a court order which was for 1 1/2hrs every Saturday. I'd take DD to a soft play place & sit in the cafe & her dad would play with her. So I was there but not directly supervising.

Then in court a month ago it went up to 3hours totally unsupervised - it increases to 4hrs next month then 5hrs after that then we're back in court.

I'm worried it's too much too soon as some of you say. I guess I'll keep an on her behaviour. Thanks for your advice. I just wish my DD could talk to me & tell me how she feels!

Oh. And it was previously supervised because her dad was violent to me & it was 'going that way' with my DD. that's why I left him.

At 15 months we started the contact centre. At 18 months we went to 2 days of 3 hours and slowly increased it to what it is now at 2yrs 3 months 9 hours twice a week. Untill it went to 2 days twice a week her behaviour was quite erratic when she came home, but now that she is seeing him more often she is fine when she comes back and she is happy to go.

Funnily enough when I was speaking to my HV about putting her into Nursery once a week she said she probably wouldnt settle well as it wasnt frequent enough and she would forget about it before she came back. i think this is probably why contact is better now.

Although no violence in my case just a Dad who wasnt interested for the first year. I would try and increase the days instead of the hours if you can short and frequent will probably be better.

If she can cope with full time nursery she ought to be able to cope with that lenght of time with her dad really. But at that age she's not going to know when she'll see you next except by what's happened in the past. So it will take a good few weeks to get her used to things. Best to make sure the routine stays the same each week as much as possible - ie if you usually pick her up from nursery then go on doing that, and have the same routine around when she goes to her dad each week.

Can you make the contact shorter and more frequent? Otherwise, maybe just give her a really easy time when she gets back - watch TV with her or something that isn't too demanding maybe?