The loneliness...

[NewPatchesForOld]

...is crippling. I've been on my own now for 5+ years following severe abuse. I won't rehash the whole story as it's time to move past it, but for some reason the loneliness at the moment has knocked me for six. I have 3 beautiful kids and they are great company and I'm very lucky to have them, but I am so desperately lonely. I hate feeling like this because I am not a woman who feels 'incomplete' without a man and I have managed perfectly happily up until now.

I have no real girlfriends, close friends, as we were on the run from ex for 3 years and I learned not to form any attachments as we kept moving. However I have settled here now and miss having close friends. I have taken steps to tyr and rectify this, I joined a women@s social group and I do go out for drinks with them, cinema etc and always have a nice time but a) I can't do it often because of money and b) none of them are what I would class as close friends who I would confide in.

My family offer no support. I text my mum to tell her how desperately alone I felt and she text back asking was I watching dancing on ice!

Whenever I try and tell someone how I am feeling they give me a virtual slap on the back and say 'you'll be fine, you're strong' and that's it! I'm not!!! On the outside I may appear that way but on the inside I am falling apart.

God, this is such a ramble...sorry.

I have money worries, health worries etc (don't we all) but absolutley no one to share them with.

I am on anti depressants, have been for 2 years but still want to cry all the time. The dosage is high though so can't go any higher I don't believe.

Aaarrgghhh....what the hell is wrong with me?

Thanks for reading and listening.

Share them with us.

I have a lovely lovely friend who has been crying for the past three weeks at the sheer sodding loneliness (she has been on her own for about 10 years with two kids) and she at least has me and some other friends.

There is nothing wrong with you, as she says, it is just so hard being on your own all the time.

We'll talk to you and be your friend.

xx

Hullygully....that's so sweet. It automatically made me want to cry, but the anti depressants stop that so the feeling is there but not the action if you see what I mean!

I feel ridiculous being like this. I have a male friend who I do lightly confide in, but again he doesn't understand. I would love someone to put their arms around me but he is married and even in friendship I don't feel that would be right.

Then people make me feel guilty by saying 'how can you be lonely...you have the kids?'. And it's true, I do, but it's not the same...over Christmas it was nearly 2 weeks between seeing another adult, and that was the assistant in co op! My oldest is 17, so almost an adult but not adult enough to be burdened with my problems.

I do date, but because of my past choice of men I have raised the bar a lot higher and none of the men I have been on a date with have ticked enough boxes.

God...I am normally such an upbeat person, but it feels like I can't quite drag myself out of this.

I keep typing posts - but MN keeps dying!

The way you feel is perfectly natural, given th epast and your current circs.

One of the htings I always admired about my mother was that she left an alcoholic husband, had four kids and no money, got herself a job and joined every evening class and club going. She made friends, not best friends immediately, but slowly some became good friends, and through those she met other people, and eventually she met her current partner.

It will happen for you, honest. Be patient and be kind to yourself.

nowt wrong with you....keep building relationships with other people, at somepoint maybe some new person will join the class/club/group who you click with...

this year xmas/new year we did lots of stuff with my sister and brother and thei dc cousins as he was here, otherwise it would have been the usual long hoiday of only dc for company so i sympathise - it is a diff thing to being alone but being with the dc can also be lonely. only someone who does it day in day out can get that...

i dont have one "best friend" but have diff friends/colleagues/acquaintances who have diff roles i think - so i can tell one about most things but due to family and other reasons we dont get to go out or share time together as much as would be nice .
and i dont manage to get out much anyway due to work and Dc and no spare cash for babysitter...or i get a babysitter and noone on my list is available to go out...so i go to cinema alone which is fine as i love it but it feels like i should have ready-mates to call on

a few online buddies too - one close nit group (12 of us) i can get valued and forthright opinions from but they live all over the world and some i have never met tho feel like i know them .

MN is good for sounding off but anonymous isnt it?

and sometimes it is just a case of day to day getting on with things.

You don't sound ridiculous or weak at all mate. You've been on your own for five years Most people would be stressing after five weeks. You're more than strong and normal.

Your day will c;ome again, I promise. Don't ask me when or where tho :-)

NewPatches you are not alone. I am on my second glass of wine, and am off to lurk and maybe post on the Chat threads. Give it a go, there is one particular thread about puke inducing words that put a huge grin on my face and made me feel...............well, it made me feel like part of something .

I am now coming up for 8 years without anyone even looking in my direction, let alone asking me out. Mumsnet has actually really helped me. I am still a bitter, jealous bitch that is full of self-pity - but I am also becoming better at looking at all the wonderful things that I have got. A balancing act that I have to do to get through the day, but I am managing it. So much so that people who don't know me have no idea how low I am.

I have had my 10 minute weep earlier, while DD was playing upstairs, crying with loneliness and another weekend without adult company. But that's now out of the way.

Now I'm going to force myself to have virtual company here - give it a go NewPatches, find a thread that makes you laugh,and you will get caught up in the moment. It won't solve all your problems, but it might make you feel less alone.

And I know it's not the done thing on Mumsnet, but xxxx. (see, I'm a rebel, me )

Nothing whatsoever wrong with you. I'm year 8 single, I'm attractive, well turned out, professional and have my own means. It's hard meeting men, get yourself out there. Di new things. You're wondetful, remind yourself. You're a lucky woman, let everyone know it.,

Hi lonelies! How are we all doing today? newpatches how are you in partic lovely?

me too ladies had to move 350 miles after divorce so lost all my friends. Bored stiff and feel soooo lonely. Kids in bed and nothing to do, noone to speak to. I phone my parents up with random things just o speak to someone. Fed up being strong and making all the decisions, want someone to be there to catch me when I need to fall. Not got the time or energy to even go onlien (though did before and only had bad experiences) - think thisis it for the rest of my life and can't contemplate another 40 years of being alone. Will start talking to the wall like Shirley valentine! Kids are great but they also drive me insane and I am eaten up with guilt half the time. Crap isn't it?! xx

Ah,i was on my own for about a hundred years with my dc.I used to feel extreme lonleyness at times,worse for me was after school but before tea.I was in hospital once and felt wretched at visiting times when everyone had a special visitor and i had Mum and kids
I found that having some sort of routine helped me.I worked Mon to wed then thurs shopping and a night out and then Fri my friend stayed and we cooked and Sat (weekends are terrible) i took dd dancing,had alook around the charity shops went home and did baking with kids and then we settled in for x factor or whatever with a nice meal.I read a lot too and really wish id known about mn.Sun id always take dc's to church,mostly to see other people,and then papers and a roast before homework and get uniform ready etc.I did get used to it eventually but sometimes wanted to scream at visitors not to leave when they did.
Internet dating is fun,i never had any intention of meeting anyone in the flesh but it was good to chat to people at night. This was pre face book or knowing about mumsnet btw.
I am re married now and sometimes do miss the solitude.

OP I feel exactly the same, 4 yrs on own, no family and although I have a few friends they're not close friends, I have no-one I feel I could just ring for a chat really Like you I went a long time at xmas/new year without speaking to a single adult.

I know it probably doesn't help, but I just wanted you to know you're not the only one and you're not alone

I'm a newly single first time mum and the thing that surprises me is that sometimes I feel lonelier and more isolated now than before I had dd and was living on my own :s i think we just gotta put ourselves out there and keep going, are there any local groups you could join? Maybe a gym, there always good places to meet people.

Thank you so much for typing how your life is. I really thought it was just me. I haven't any family aside from my lovely SN child or friends. I went all Christmas without speaking to another adult but my child has no speech or sight. My life has been this was for the last 4 years, I have to change but I;ve been hurt so much and i allow people to treat me badly i'm scared to socialise, i never thought i would get like this. I do not want to bother with mind games people play and their petty ways. There is always one or two in a group at least.

Golly goingforgold that must be so hard. I wonder where you live as I would happily meet for a coffee and or wine and cake. I am in devon. Probably not much help. My little boy is just four. I really feel for you. Wishing you big love!

Hi everyone I could have written the posts here, have also been feeling so lonely. I have been on my own for five years after disasterous relationship and get very little support.

Other people just have NO idea what it is like to be on your own ALL THE TIME. I am finding life very hard at the moment. DS is now at school and has joined beavers and so every event I go to I feel that I stick out like a sore thumb as always on my own.

It is so hard to remain positive when all you can see is your life going on day to day the same way. DS is six and I am already dreading him leaving home and being entirely on my own.

Unfortunately I do not know any other single people. let alone other single parents. Was trying to explain to my sister what it was like. She just dismissed me by saying that she had been round at her friend's for dinner WITHOUT her fiance and she did not feel at all uncomfortable spending an evening on her own with a couple! Yes, one evening, when she lives with her fiance is the same as five years of singledom and having to go everyone on my own. Pah.

Hope others are doing ok.

I was just about to post exactly the same message I've stupidly moved to be closer to family but have left all my friends behind and I hate it! Never noticed the lonely evenings when the days were busy!

Good evening, and I hope everyone is having a nice relaxing start to the weekend.

I've had my short private cry in the car on the way home, but then have had a happy fun evening with DD. Now having a nice wee glass safe in the knowledge that we have decided to have a lie in tomorrow and doss around the house, with no real plans.

So whatever you've got plans to do this weekend, enjoy

Hi Amithatbad

Hope you are enjoyed your wine