give me strength. XFIL rant

[sillywmama]

apparently (thanks go to my XSIL for this information) my XFIL has decided that my husband, who has been having an affair for several months while I am pregnant and we have a toddler, is not responsible for his actions because I was such a disappointment as a wife.

If it wasn't beneath me I would kick him in the fucking bollocks, right along with his sorry excuse of a son.

Clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!!

God help me to raise a better man with my son than his dad and grandad have turned out to be. What the fuck was I ever doing with him???

AAAAAARGH

I don't think it's beneath you to kick either of them in the bollocks, it's just that you'd probably get done for GBH!

I hope you have others around you who are more supportive than your husband and his family.

e *today is day 7 since I discovered the affair, and I've just had a message passed to me from his family that he wants to cancel my sons nursery place and rent out our home... apparently so that he can 'afford to pay us maintenance'

I am devastated. I came to stay with my family for initial support and he's already talking about making me, unborn baby and DS homeless.

I know this is the hardest bit but I feel so shit. When does it get better?

OKy dokey so this is when he gets a dose of reality.

What he'd like to do and what he's expected under the law to do are two seperate things if you are married.

Be thankful he's shown his true colours early on as so many women get strung along for months in the hopes of an amicable split for the sake of the kids only to get shafted well and truly later on. If you are pregnant you need the mental security of knowing where you stand.

If you own your home and the kids have been settled there - HE has to go, not the vulnerable children (apparently the government thinks grown arsed men can cope with a cardboard box better than a toddler lol!). Your children will have the right to remain there till the youngest child is 18 & if you have access to a good lawyer the house cannot be sold etc until then.

TODAY.

1. Notify the bank/any joint financial committments like the mortgage bods you have split. Make sure the bank understand he can't withdraw any money without YOUR signature (empty the account if you can).

1. Ensure you open your own account - ring child benefit/tax credits etc and explain you have split and ensure that all future child related government payments go into your personal account and not a joint one.

1. See a solicitor - if you aren't working you qualify for legal aid , if you are you get a free 30 min consultation - enough for you to see the balance of power isn't quite so swung in barstewards direction as he'd like! This step is really important so book into see an expert today.

Where you and the children live, whether he deigns to pay maintenance etc isn't his choice to make - it's for the LAW to decide & his families opinions are irrelevant. Recite ths until it's a mantra so you can recite it at him or nasty fil whenever needed.

He has responsibilities to his children, you don't have to make yourself ill worrying over his threats while pregnant or listen to the fil. It's not you that has chosen to destroy a family - it's his son. Hold yer head up gel!

Great advice above. Do get a solicitor to take up your case sooner rather than later. As for in-laws. They invariably take the side of their immediate family member, however badly they've behaved. You'll also find - and I think forewarned is forearmed - that some of your friends will disappoint you when they see themselves more as 'his friend' rather than 'your friend'. Good luck.

For points 1-3 for gods sake don't TELL the ex or his family yet. Get yourself to a point where you are 100% sure where you stand with everything so he can't do anything sneaky behind your back.

It'll save hassle all round later on if you keep stum as to what you are up to for now as you need to keep your focus on YOUR mental well being and that of your toddler at such a stressful time.

I've been trying to do the above already...I didn't bring things like my NI number with me, just passports and birth certificates so I'm floundering a bit not having the basic information here. I feel so stupid. I only intended to come here for a couple of weeks until I could form a plan for looking after ourselves... its moving so fast.

I emailed him a very civil and short message to ask him to confirm that he intends to rent the flat out, and to ask him to get in touch to arrange a temporary contact arrangement for our son. I don't know what else to do really for now. I can't lose my temper, or fall apart. But I just feel stunned. To me, this has all come out of the blue. He is so ready to move on it just feels like kick after kick.

((hugs)) What an arse!
If you have your passport go to your jobcentre and make an appointment to see a lone parent advisor, they will give you your NI number and help you with any claims you have re csa housing benefits etc. They are pretty useless helping you get a job but are good at that.
The same goes with banks, passports are a vital id and will get you a long way if you tell them you left in a hurry. The single bank account is vital - open what ever you can to get the kids money paid direct.