end of my rope.

[mrsmcv]

my dd is five and a half years old. I left her dad when she was 4 months old after he was violent towards me. I have never withheld contact, always stuck to the orders, arranged contact between them as soon as I left him. I've never even been late to see him with her. I'm back in court again. Last week was the 25th hearing, again adjourned for something and nothing. Back in court again in two weeks because he's claiming I've broken the contact order. It's cost me £40,000 in legal fees, five years of my life, two jobs and my career (including my pension) My daughter is so miserable going to see her dad because he makes her stay despite her extreme distress at both going there and staying overnight. I take her because I am under threat from the court order.

All of this is not what has pushed me over the edge.

I asked our GP six months ago to refer dd to a child psychologist to help her with her increasing unhappiness at being separated from me and the GP has just called me to say that having spoken to her teacher and a support worker she hasn't seen since July, there is nothing wrong with her apart from being upset at being caught in the middle of an adult row.

What?

I cannot stop my ex-husband from tormenting me in court, banging on the car windows and abusing me while she is in the car, texting, emailing, phoning, coming back late and I cannot stop taking her to contact. Now how am I supposed to stop her feeling distressed because of this behaviour? How? Doctor told me to go to court, and I told her I'd been to court and they'd sent me to the GP. Told me to go to social services, they told me to go to mediation. Went to mediation, they told me (after assessment) that the case was unsuitable for mediation. Been to the judge, told me to sort it out with my ex-husband because this action was harming her. Appealed to my ex-husband who says that if I don't want her to be harmed by rows, to do as I'm told.

What I want to know is, does anyone care about what my daughter is feeling in all this and when, when is she going to matter?

When it is blatantly obvious that his abuse towards me continues and the court is absolutely emphatic she is going to go and see her dad, no matter what, how is she supposed to cope and where do I get her some help and support? In the last five years I have banged on every single door and every single time I've been told by whoever's door it is that it isn't their problem. I can't even make it my problem because if I take action, ie withholding contact, I'll be back in court and possibly in prison or having residence transferred to a person who frankly isn't fit to look after her.

This is a really messed up situation that these kids find themselves in.

Yeah can relate to your situation, I've been seperated for 10 year now. I've been to court and been through the whole judge saying "I'm not really that interested in trying to understand what would be best for the child because, hell I'm just a middle class, middle aged and middle minded person who's looking for something to do in retirement, I'm not qualified to make those kind of decisions, but I can tell you, your both shit parents for putting me in this difficult position." And then goes on to piss about and hope you either sort it out yourself and leaves it to the next county court judge to deal with this childs/childrens future ... while they slip away to a less taxing case.

Recently my children have started crying and refusing go to the Ex's house it got so bad one evening that I didn't know what to do so I took them to the police station to ask what it is that I should be doing when the court order specifies they should be taken to my Ex yet the children are refusing to go.

Anyway, it was someone on MN who suggested that I take them to see their GP. So I did so, and their GP talked with my DCs and then said they would raise this with both social services and CAHMS. The children leave the GPs room and I ask the GP, "do you have any advice though on dealing with their anxiety on when they have to return to their mothers?"

The GP "Oh mumble mumble mumble, tell them that it's in the court order and you'll get in trouble with the law if you don't go back to your mothers," I know absolutely nothing about child psychology but is laying a guilt trip really the best way to deal with anxiety? I look at the GP with a face of complete incredulity. The GP then hasty ads, "Oh but don't use those words." Again I'm no child psychologist, but all my years of parenting tells me your never quite sure what message children are getting and it would be stupid beyond belief to expect the changing of the words to somehome make such a crass guilt trip to be A-OK.

Anyway CAMHS have got back to me, but seeing as they have already seen one of my DC's this year due to the pressure and anxiety of my Ex and myself going to court and the adverse affect it had on the DCs ... anyway they seem to have refered it to some other agency, and seem to only be interested in passing me onto them.

Meanwhile the GP gets back to me and saying social services arn't interested and suggests that I talk with CAB or speak to my solicitor ... what about how upset my children are when they goto their mothers oh yeah CAB and solicitors they know all about child behavour and that kind of stuff.

Sorry not wanting to hijack ... here endeth the ranting and emoting ... I does bloody wear you out ... don't it.

I'm so sorry to hear this whiteandnerdy, seems like my poor dd has got a long road ahead of her. My ex husband tries to undermine everything I do for our daughter (while barely participating himself, and not because i want to prevent him from doing so)

I just can't get over the whole 'sort it out yourselves' thing. As if?! As I pointed out to my doctor, I left my ex because he threatened me with an 8 inch carving knife. I also told her that he always said he would make sure our daughter 'knew the truth' about why we had split up and that he would make sure he told her whose fault it was, which he has started to do and which is very upsetting for her.

I get so angry and upset because the response of the professionals is that eventually she will refuse to go - how massive a decision is that to leave in the hands of a child when countless adults around her refuse to make it on her behalf? Anyway, I don't want to stop her going, I just want to stop her being upset.

And come the day she ever does decide not to go, the judge isn't just going to shrug his or her shoulders and say 'ok' and neither is her dad. She'll have to go through interviews, assessments and all sorts.

Over Christmas, she was so distressed she was crying hysterically down the phone to me and her dad's response was to take the phone off her and say 'this is because she's not used to us'. WTF? she has seen him and his family three weekends out of four since she was 2 and a half and before that, saw them every weekend. For five years. I know he put her on the phone so I could hear how upset she was, not to help her. And no, he would not bring her home despite her saying 'I want my mummy' at the top of her voice.

I've just woken up in a sweat realising that our doctor has only got back to me today because she's been contacted by her dad rubbishing everything I've said about her distress and basically, the doctor doesn't want to get involved. Like every other professional she's come into contact with.

I have been in court so often accused of breaking a court order when I haven't - those cases being thrown out - that this time I've just been unlucky that the original judge who does know what my ex husband is like is on long term sick leave. This case has been passed from pillar to post because no-one wants to deal with it, therefore our daughter has experienced 12 months of stress and anxiety over a false accusation that no-one will either hear or dismiss.

I have never ever said this before because I do believe she has a right to see her dad, how ever much of a pillock he is but I really wish I had moved to the other end of the country on the day I left him. The contact orders and arrangements have been most beneficial to me, allowing me to work, establish a social life and have time out from being a parent but they have done nothing but damage to our daughter who has been set up to fail with a man who is simply inadequate as a parent and a person. Sadly.

Wow. And I thought all the crap me and DD went through was bad.

I am so so sorry to hear what you and your DD have been through. That's just awful.

I'm guessing that SS aren't and won't be involved as they're (sadly) not interested or equipped to deal with the emotional and psychological abuse that's going on, but surely CAFCASS are involved?

If a magic wand could be waved, what would you want a court order to say?

when he bangs on the car could you contact the police as he is threatening you?

ouch.
i guess the only is hard evidence eg video footage etc of him threatening.

somehow cling onto the " Went to mediation, they told me (after assessment) that the case was unsuitable for mediation" - was this put in writing?

my GP was pushingme to attend joint parenting apart sessions with my exP - i wrote a letterexaplining (again - they have it al on record) al teh background etc - she did write abck an said "i can see your point and wil make sure this is on fiel so you dont ahve to repeat again.

luckily DDs older now 9 and 11 so their viewswould be lsiteened too - and fortunaltey exP wont take it to court as he prefers to try and bully/threaten/plead and know that he has used courts to say he too ill (MH) to deal with stuff (financial) so i think on soem elvel he knows that he wont get much sway on contact - order is for supervised anyway.

so i am not in your position but i do sympathise - i did see judges who gave the impression they thought it was just another rowing exes situation anddiscounted any reports of violence/agression/severe MH episodes etc .

i did make my dd go to (supervised) contact for a year a gainst her will as i wanted to comply with order and give him a chance - she holds this against me now and i think you do need to speak again to psychologist and bring this up. i can understand you dont want to subject dd to five or more years of this...

maybe ask for counselling for yourself - while will be confidential it may give you some more tools and strategies -espec if you ask to see a family therapist and can talk about your dd - and the fact you asking GP for counselling could be recorded?

bang on more walls - family therapist route referred by gp

call police at any threatening situation

reocrd and report everything

ask GP to refer DD for play therapy/psycholgoist again/music therapy

but staying totally calm yourself in your dealings with him

keep taking DC back to GP?

(this for white and nerdy)

mrsmcv, that bit about undermine everything you do sounds so familiar. If I take them for a walk in the country it's far too far for the DC's to walk. I take them on the bikes for a ride in the country ... again too far. Always looking for a way to say your not doing parenting properly ... and yet honestly I think I could count on one hand the number of times the Ex has taken the DC's to the park. In my case it's as though they can't, or find it really difficult, to do the hands on interaction with the child bit and have to over compensate by simply being prescriptive.

Also accusing me of breaking the court order is another favourite of my Ex, like when the DC's refuse to go inside when I dropped them off so DC gets a door shut in his face ... twice. I can't bloody well just stand around with my child in tears so I drive off with the DC. Then I get a text about breaking the court order ... yeah that's because I've driven round with DS to the local police station to ask them what I should do in such a f**ked up situation.

As for keep taking DCs back to GP ... hmm, at the moment I'm trying to sort something out with CAHMS but they seem to think it's autism at least with one DS due to the issues as reported by school. Again I'm no child psychologist but personally I think the issues are environment not genetic.

Women's aid. They are the ONLY organisation I've ever come across that take ths sort of thing seriously.

Read Dr Robert Hare

Are you in SE London? If so there is a good independent MH family MH charity that may be able to help. pm me if you are cos sadly they are tiny and local to that area only.

You don't HAVE to pay legal fees in family court. At this point you can represent yourself - it's OK to tell the judge that due to you've your job due to the constant demands of court appearances for the ex and that you'd prefer what lil money remains to be spent on the kid!

Write to everyone and everything. Write to your MP, write to every agony aunt in the land. Write to Cameron. One letter and copy and send it everywhere. Write to female section of newspapers. Get affidavits/written testimonials from any friends/family who have witnessed her distress. And yes, buy a cheap camcorder and record any incidents of him harassing you.

I haven't been in your situation and can't imagine how awful it must be. What exactly does your exh mean when he says 'tell dd the truth' - what is this truth, and also 'he has already started telling her' - telling her what?

Last resort, can you actually move - persuade a court its to be closer to support network for you and dd? Do you have family in Timbuktu?

Thank you for all these messages, I've just got them. I have been through the mill a bit since originally posting. There have been four more hearings since then. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Trying hard to stay positive but lost all hope. In court again tomorrow.