What's reasonable in terms of contact for H and the dc's? Can anyone help me please?

[carlywurly]

Posted this in relationships but it struck me it might be better here..

H and OW (yes, we're still married but that's another story ..) are expecting a baby soon. It will be the 4th child between them. We have 2 together.

H has requested that we get the childcare arrangements on a more regular footing (fine by me) and that he have the dc's every other weekend from now on, from Friday to Sunday evening. Due to him having moved 70 miles away, he doesn't have them on Sun nights or during the week ever, and he doesn't share the school holidays, inset days etc. He regularly tries to arrange to bring them back earlier on Sundays, or asks me to drive to meet him (often a round trip of 80 miles for me)

As I now work full time and am a single parent, (I have a lovely DP but we don't live together) this is getting tough and I'm feeling stressed out. It means that I'm responsible for the dc's permanently, other than for 4 nights per month. I have no family help where I live, and school holidays can be a nightmare to cover if school childcare isn't available. He's just returned from a lavish, long holiday with OW which covered the entire Xmas holiday and I had to ask friends to step in and help over that time.

My question is, what is reasonable? Should he be sharing the holidays with me? Should I be grateful he's doing his paltry 4 nights per month? He contributes very well financially, but not at all in terms of the effort of having children, ie the day to day childcare - no involvement in school life, didn't even come to their nativity this year, for example.

Tbh I can't understand why they're having another child when he doesn't parent the ones he's got, but am trying not to let this influence me on what's actually reasonable!! Thanks so much for reading.

Ideally he should be thinking how he can see his kids more.

I was repeatedly told that everyother w/e , half the holidays, a visit midweek was "reasonable".

I think what's a reasonable assumption is that a he would want to spend time with his children. Half the school holidays ? Yes. At least.

Getting him to do that is another matter though.

Six kids...... sounds complicated.

I think it's reasonable to expect him to cover half the holidays assuming your kids are happy there. I think he should cover the odd inset day too.

I can see the problem with weekday overnights. The travel .... I think it's good that you meet him half way sometimes. But I guess it's you doing a favour.

Perhaps he could have the dc three w/e in a month ? Mention the cost of childcare in the holidays ?

Thanks Mr Gin, I'm reassured you see it that way, on relationships it was depressing how low the expectations of fathers were. The way I see it, both parents were equally responsible for creating their children, and ideally childcare should be as equal as is possible and practical in the event of a split. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Anyway, I made it a little unclear - this new baby will be the 4th. Xh and I had 2, OW had 1.

Thanks for your reply, it occurred to me that if he had them twice a month for three nights each time rather than two that might be a solution..

My XP has our daughter every other weekend from Sat morning to Sunday afternoon, precisely 2 nights per month.

I have no other help at all, none.

It's exhausting but I know that every time people say how lovely she is, polite, happy etc it's down to us and our happy little family. Absolutely nothing to do with her father.

At least they see their Daddys though, some children dont

Mine see exp teatime Fri - Dinnertime Sun every other weekend. Weds for tea every other week and sometimes Fri when it isn't his weekend to have them.

Given the distance, there's not really any other feasible options in term time are there? Unless you're keen on him having them more than half the weekends? If you are, you could suggest he has them 3 out of 4 weekends and see what he says.

How feasible would it be for him to return them direct to school on a Monday? And would this help you much? It can make it more complicated in terms of making sure their stuff ends up at the right house - I've found that has become much more of a problem in the last 2 or 3 years as the DCs have got older and their lives become more complicated.

But the holidays are the main time I'd have thought you should look for him to have them a bit. I would have thought that he should be looking to have them for most of however many weeks leave he gets - yes it's complicated with other children of his new partner, but not impossible. If you're able to be flexible with him about which weeks he has them, I'm sure that will help but he ought to be able to answer the question of how many weeks of the holidays he wants them with something other than "zero".

For comparision - My DP and I have 6 DCs between us - he has his DCs for all but one of his 6 weeks of annual leave, and we have 1 week holiday together with no DCs each year. My DCs' dad has them 2 (of his 4) weeks a year and I have them or arrange childcare for the other 11 weeks of school holidays. It does mean a lot of juggling, but thankfully there's quite a good choice of holiday clubs where I live, and friends (and DP) who will have them for odd bits of time. Like you, my family are not nearby, but I have ocassionally had my mum come up and take care of them for a few days, or once they went to stay with grandparents for a few days.

Personally I think it is fair to split the travel with your ex some of the time at least - but appreciate you might not feel like doing this if he's recently split with you and it's him that has moved away.

Good luck!

It sounds like you're having a really tough time and I do feel for you. I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to have them for some time in the holidays as well - it must be really frustrating to see him splashing out cash while you struggle!

My only word of caution, from my own experience, is before you change anything, do have a long think about how your kids will cope if they're away more often, and ask them what they think about it. You may have already done that, but thought I should mention it just in case, as my eldest really struggles with having to be so far away from all his friends and the rest of his family every other weekend and in the holidays. His behaviour changes dramatically and its started to affect his health. If your children have had their Dad as their primary carer in the past then it may be a bit easier for them, but if they haven't it might cause problems - my son represses everything at his Dad's because he doesn't trust him with his feelings, and then lets it all out when he gets home.

I suppose I was just thinking that if you've got a full time job, having to suddenly deal with a whole load of behavioural issues from your kids as well might leave you feeling more stressed rather than less! I know I often feel I only need the break from DS1 because I'm shattered after dealing with the problems created by him being going away!

I hope you manage to get something sorted that makes it easier for you and them.
Good luck!