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Original poster

DP about to leave - 2 children until 4, how to tell them?

12 replies

mama2moo · 09/01/2012 15:04

To cut a long story short I have found out my dp is planning to leave us. He doesnt know I know but I have suspected it for a while.

I am getting myself financially and mentally prepared but am very upset at the thought of the impact on my girls.

Any tips on telling them? Eldest is 3 and a half and our youngest is 2 in a months time.

Any tips on how to cope would be appreciated as well!

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
brandrethmupp · 09/01/2012 15:11

I don't know any particular tips but want to say how good it is that you've found out before you're told. You sound strong and sensible. Best wishes.

Original poster
mama2moo · 09/01/2012 15:43

Thank you! I have had my wobbles but there is no love there anymore and he is miserable. Just very sad for my children.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2012 10:38

I think small children are remarkably accepting. They will take whatever you say on face value and, unlike adults, once they've had a reasonable answer to any questions, will not waste time looking for hidden subtexts. They may come back to it at a later date looking for more answers to questions but cross the bridges as they present themselves rather than assume their emotions reflect yours.

For a 3 yo I would keep it briefly factual, in the present ('the future' is another country) and in as positive terms as you can muster. If you both look happy about it, they'll be happy about it. When my friends told their 4 year-old that dad would be living somewhere else there was an awkward pause before she asked 'will the dog be going too?'. Once it was established the dog was staying, she thought the idea of dad living in a different house that she could visit & and where they'd have days out and treats was actually quite exciting.

Purpleroses · 10/01/2012 10:47

Would echo what Cogito says - Tell them as simply as you can, and focus on the practical changes. ie get some sort of plan in place first for when they'll see their dad and where he'll live, and tell them this. This doesn't need to be detailed - just a rough idea of whether they'll go and visit him in his house, or whether he'll come and see them at yours or whatever.

My DS was just under 4 when I told him his dad was moving out and he honestly didn't seem too bothered. It was no more a bad thing to him than moving house, going to visit relatives, leaving nursery, etc. The first thing he wanted to do was to make a collection of toys that would go and live at his dad's new place.

But be prepared to have to keep telling them things for many weeks. My DS used to keep saying "when dadddy comes home....." and I would reply "Yes, when daddy comes round next....." and he gradually got the hang of things.

And at the age they're at, I wouldn't tell them more than a few days before it happens, as they really won't understand what it involves until they see the changes happening.

QueenofWhatever · 10/01/2012 18:07

My DD was 4.5 when I left and I said 'Daddy and I both love you very much, but we're not friends anymore so we're going to live somewhere else'. This was after years of domestic abuse and she seemed comfortable with this as an explanation.

Very sorry for your situation, it's always hard.

himynameisfred · 11/01/2012 20:58

That's great that's you know so can plan, I would concentrate on that planning, making sure child benefits are both in your name, as that's the gaateway benefit for everything else including housing, should you need to be rehoused.
I would even wipe out the joint bank account, do what you can while you can, lol, assuming the kids are staying with you, just think about you and the kids only, and plan out everything.
Your kids are very young, bless them so I can't imagine them asking too much? although it is sad of course, just try and focus on making sure he sees them regular:/

himynameisfred · 11/01/2012 21:00

hmm, my advice probably sounds a bit biased and in no way in favour of the soon to be ex whose leaving. (Not a neutral source of advice at the moment)

FannyBazaar · 11/01/2012 22:05

If you know other children whose parents are separated, it might help to talk to your children about how their Mummy and Daddy don't live together so as to sow the seed that other family set ups exist. If they have friends in similar situations, it helps them to not feel they are the only ones even if they are still very young.

My DS was 2 when I split from ex, he didn't seem to notice much difference at first and sometimes even had more time with his father in the first year or so. By 3 and a half he was telling people that he had a Mum and a Dad but they didn't live in the same house.

ninja · 11/01/2012 22:38

ExH left in September and we sat down DD1 (8) and told her, but tbh we didn't really do that with DD2 (nearly 3 at the time). She just got to see Daddy's new house and her room and has never really questioned it.

Kids are really adaptable at that age and are still trying to make sense of the world, she's fine - a little clingy at first but now goes to his quite happily the same cheery child as before (DD1 - now that's a different story!)

Original poster
mama2moo · 12/01/2012 12:12

Thanks all, some great advice. My eldest is a real 'thinker' IYSWIM. She mulls things over and then asks all sorts of questions!

I have my action ready to go! I just need more concrete evidence then I can get it into place. We have a few going on at the moment and one big thing that I think he is waiting to be over.

As much I will be very sad for my girls I cant wait to have my life back and start planning for our future as the 3 of us Smile I think their quality of life will be better in the long run. Seeing 2 parents who barely speak to each other isnt the best impression to make Blush

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 12/01/2012 14:09

Im glad you have an action plan - I had a few weeks notice and was able to squirrel a bit of cash and hide some things with a friend. It was just as well as it took until 6 months ago to get him to pay for the children (thats stopped again but hey!) And he sold everything else we had he could sneak out. Even my inherited diamond ring that was to go to DD! He had the little safe thing so I was on to a loser there!
Mine were just 5 and 10 I fist told them daddy was staying away for work as that was true but then I told them that daddy didnt want to come home as he and I didnt get on anymore and he had to spend some time alone. That was fine for them until the very next time they saw him he was with the OW! They had no time to adjust to our split before seeing them together so Id be as honest as you possibly can.

LordFlashheart · 12/01/2012 14:12

Make you put a flag on any joint accounts

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