Am i doing the right thing?

[Emmielu]

Long story short: I have a nearly 5 year old daughter, her dad saw her via social services when she was 2 weeks old. He never saw her again after that but did keep in contact with me via email. We've argued a lot over the 5 years but literally just in the last few months that hes told his fiancee to but out we've got on really well. 2 weeks before xmas i asked if he had made his mind up about starting access for definate next year, he said he doesnt want to see our daughter till shes older but would like updates from me about how shes doing etc. I have no problem with doing that & since then we've still got on. However, just before he told me he doesnt want to see our daughter, he asked what my feelings were towards him. I said "you're my daughters dad. thats all i see you as & there arent any feelings". Was his final choice down to what i said? He then last week told me he still cares for me & our daughter. He's getting married in July. His fiancee has already said to him hes got to delete my number. (She emailed me & gave me his number & told me to sort things out with him). He said she always brings me up in convosations & he doesnt want to discuss me or our daughter with her. Am i doing the right things by keeping in contact with him with updates about our daughter?

Does he pay maintenance? From what you have said I don't know why you give him the time of day. Doesn't see her for 5 years and you are still chatting and emailing him?

His fiancée sounds
Controlling in one sence but she will be your child's step mother and with all the pally pally atmosphere with the two of you (I think he still hankers after you) she may just be totally insecure.

Overall I think this man is a tool who does whatever the hell he likes to make his own life easier and you are enabling him. I think in one way or another he is using both of you and you need to be a lot firmer with him.

Are you not concerned you will do all the work raising your dd and then at the end he will swoop in like a knight in shining armour when things get tough?

The whole situation sounds very off to me but I don't know back story sorry

I would send him updates every few months and have no other contact with him apart from that.

This guy is a massive waste of space and I hope you realise that. He is trying to manipulate you - and it's working because you're wondering if it's your fault he's not going to see his daughter.

What kind of man decides he doesn't want to see his child? What kind of man leaves you to raise his child alone for 5 years and then tells you he 'cares' for you.

It's bullshit, pure and simple.

For your daughter's sake you should keep communication open but please don't let him use this as a chance to manipulate you and mess with your feelings.

corlan you knocked it right on the head. Not many people say that i wonder if its my fault he doesnt see her & its true i do wonder if i havent done enough despite all the arguments & arrangements i made for him in the 5 years. I dont want to be the one to tell my daughter when shes older that i dont know where her dad is or have any contact for her. If she wants to see her dad id like to be able to help her find him or contact him as much as possible. He's happy to wait till shes older but whether he sticks to that or not is another question.

It sounds like you've done the very best to give your daughter a chance to know her dad but got nothing back.

Most of us would crawl over broken glass to be with our children. There are men on MN who are heart broken that they don't see more of their kids. I think you have to accept that this man just doesn't care. Why is he waiting until she's older to see her? It just doesn't make sense.

Have you actually prevented him seeing his DD for the past 5 years? If not, it sounds like you've done more than a lot of women would already in your position. You must be hurt by his lack of interest in seeing his daughter, but doesn't sound like it's your fault at all.

How very odd of him to want to keep up contact with you but not to see his daughter. Is he scared of knowing what to say to her do you think? Or just trying to be manipulative?

I wouldn't waste any time worrying about the new partner just yet. She's not your DD's stepmother - A stepmother has a relationship with her DH's children. At the moment he doesn't even have a relationship himself. She may also find his relationship with you and your DD a bit odd though and may have some influence over it in the future, but it's your ex that you need to deal with directly, not her.

But yes, it is good to keep the doors open in case your ex grows up at some point, or you daughter wants to take things into her own hands when she's older. You only need pretty brief contact in order to do that though. An update every few months would be plenty, and send new contact details if you move or something. No need to hear any of the details of his life back from him or have any conversations about how either of you feel about the other.

Wow, you're incredibly understanding.
What about your daughter doesn't she ask about her dad?

Aren't you or him concerned about her feeling rejected that he doesnt want to see her or be part of her life?

I wonder how he can claim he cares for his child when he doesn't do anything to help make her feel secure and support her wellbeing.
He sounds all lip service,a nd yo are letting him feel that that's okay it seems. Contact with you is like easing his guilt, make him feel like he's showing he cares, but actions would show he cares.
I would like to know if you get maintenaince at least, you should get that if nothing else x

Ohh no i dont get maintenance. I dont bring up money issues cause it starts big arguments & i dont want his money i just want him to see her. DD has asked about her dad once & that was because he sent her a xmas card & said he'd see her after new year last year. 2 months after him sending the card & DD didnt want me to read it to her anymore & asked me to put it in the "dont need" bin that we have. That hurt a lot to know thats how she felt then & there. She hasnt asked since. I hate the fact that the people that love & care for her are in effect replacing the love he should give to her. I know others might nag at me about not caring about having his money but money wont buy her love at all.

After 5 years of failing to get him to take an interest, I think I'd give up and just take the money instead tbh!

Well done for trying, but at the end of the day, it's not your job to make him have a relationship with his daughter. It's only your job not to obstruct him to do so if he wants to. But only he can make the relationship happen. Very sad for you, but sounds like your DD has absolutely the right attitude when she put his card in her "don't need" bin!